


Out of the Ashes

by Void_senpai



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: College, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, No Magic AU, Romance, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-04-11 11:06:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 75,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Void_senpai/pseuds/Void_senpai
Summary: Bella Swan is a sophomore college student trying to reinvent herself after leaving her abusive ex-boyfriend. When her former best friend Jacob Black suddenly appears at the same college, he brings back old memories that won't leave either of them alone. Will they hate each other forever, or will they remember what brought them together in the first place?





	1. The Calm

I stared into the full length mirror, trying to decide on what to wear. The twin bed was littered with the remnants of my previous attempts: my black skinnies, my usual jeans, a pair of shorts, two deep scoop-neck shirts, and a black tank top. I was never any good at this sort of thing, but at least I had an endless supply of consultants living in my hall. I flipped my head over to pull my long hair into a ponytail, knowing that all the bodies crammed into the tiny house were going to make me sweaty, and I didn't enjoy feeling my hair sticking to the back of my neck. I looked back into the mirror and yanked the tie off again. This doesn't look right either.

"Leah!" I called.

My roommate emerged from the bathroom, mascara wand in hand, rolling her eyes at me. She really didn't need any makeup at all. As someone who saw what she looked like first thing in the morning, I could verify that she was naturally gorgeous. She could have been a model; she was tall, with high cheekbones and glowing copper skin, and her black hair fell down just past her shoulders. She was wearing skin-tight dark wash jeans, and a black tank top.

"Swan, I told you before, it looks just as good up."

"I'm still not sure." I frowned at my hair hanging down over my chest. I needed to just pick one and stick with it. Fine. Ponytail it is.

"You have to think strategically, here," she said, gesturing with the wand. "In addition to looking cute, you'll avoid overheating. And if you puke while I'm not around, you won't have to hold your own hair." Leah was always the pragmatist.

"I'm not going to puke this time. It's the first party of the year. I want to make a good impression."

She sighed and walked back into the bathroom we shared. I picked up various articles of clothing and held them against me in the mirror. Maybe if I gave them another chance, something would speak to me.

"Since when do you care about a bunch of freshies?"

"I don't," I called back. "But I care if I look like crap. I just want to start the year off right, you know?"

My method wasn't working. I huffed and grabbed my black jeans. They would just have to do. I stepped my feet through the holes and began that familiar hopping dance to get them fitted completely over my hips. I didn't used to wear jeans this tight. Everything I used to own was comfortable, if a little old. Leah put a stop to that during the summer by raiding my closet while I was out with Charlie. For someone stuck on a reservation with a bunch of boys for almost twenty years, she had a real aptitude for this sort of thing, something I definitely lacked.

I threw on the red shirt that I'd previously dumped on the floor, and crouched down to loosen the hips of my jeans enough that I'd be able to sit down later on. Upon a quick observation in the mirror, I decided that it was my best bet, and I joined Leah in front of the bathroom mirror.

"Just gimme a sec," she said, running a brush through her hair.

I was still a novice when it came to makeup. Renee tried, but there wasn't enough time before I left Arizona. I ran a light pink stain over my lips and dabbed powder onto my nose, knowing full well that I would just sweat it off in an hour, that is if some guy didn't eat it off my face.

"I don't know about you, but I'm mostly looking forward to all the fresh meat," she smirked. She never had any trouble with that, and I envied her.

"Don't be a creep. You remember what it was like back then, all those 'super friendly' upperclassmen offering us beer? It's a miracle we made it through the first semester without being drugged."

Leah rubbed the lipstick between her lips, opening them back up with a pop and smiling to herself in the mirror.

"Yeah, well, it still got us laid, didn't it? I don't think that bunk bed will ever be the same."

"I don't think it was made to have people banging on both beds at once. That thing could have collapsed at any moment. Just another example of how overly trusting we were."

I'd just barely finished with my own mascara when Leah ushered me out of the bathroom with a smack to the butt.

"Enough worrying. You need to move it, Swan, or the keg will already be empty when we get there."

I grabbed my keys and phone and shoved them into my pocket before stomping my feet into my ratty black converse, the only shoes I still had from high school. They were my big compromise with Leah: I could keep them as long as I wore other shoes too. Given the sludge that usually coated the floor at these things, good traction was top priority.

The party was in full swing when we arrived. There were some girls from our dorm milling about, but it was mostly awkward freshmen and the seniors who'd come to sleep with them. One of the fraternity brothers was manning the keg, taking singles from everyone in line. It was usually the cheapest beer they could find, but maybe they'd pick something nicer for the first party to keep the new additions coming back. Next to him was the "bar," also known as a folding table where another brother poured store-brand liquor into whatever mixers where left in their fridge. I pulled a few bills out of my phone case when Leah stopped me.

"Nope, tonight is on me. After my drunk-crying incident at your dad's house, I owe you a shitty drink." She kissed my cheek and turned to walked to the bar, leaving me against the wall of the basement. "Two tequilas, Jimmy! And it better not be fucking Sunny D this time or I'll tell your mom you suck dick for money."

She was pretty rough around the edges, but I could count on Leah for anything. She was a year ahead of me, and once she caught wind that I was going to Washington State in the fall, she started inviting me to go to Seattle and Port Angeles with her. She wanted to help me shop for dorm supplies and pass on as much of her wisdom as she could. "Remember Bella," she told me, "You can never have too many towels."

I'd never really had a girlfriend like this. Renee's hippie sensibilities and Charlie's…Charlie-ness were all I had to go on. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Edward's younger sister Alice loved clothes and makeup, but I was just a dress-up doll to her. I don't think she cared about me half as much as Leah, and all those designer "gifts" just made me uncomfortable. 

I had barely been left alone for five minutes when one of the senior rugby players appeared next to me. The ruggers were built like football players, but no one had any trouble distinguishing them; like Crossfit junkies, they'll tell you. I could tell he was already a few drinks in, but that meant very little to a 200-pound meathead

"Hey, you look like you need a drink. The beer's pretty good tonight."

"I'm good, thanks," I replied. Usually, facing away from them and barely looking at them at all was enough to communicate disinterest, but these guys could be a little pushy.

"I'm Cody. I don't think I've seen you before. You're a freshman, right? If you need someone to show you the ropes, I-"

"She doesn't need to see your ropes, asshole," Leah interjected.

Her timing was impeccable. She pushed him out of the way with her shoulder and handed me a red cup filled with some mystery liquid.

"What's your problem? I'm just being friendly."

"Yeah, we remember how 'friendly' you were to our friend Mia, Cody. She's not interested. Go find some other girl to creep on."

He trudged away towards his friends at the beer pong table, muttering 'fucking bitch' under his breath. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

"You're my angel of mercy, Lee."

I took a sip from my cup, and swallowed hard as the harsh liquor burned my throat.

"What the hell is this?"

"Oh who knows. It's a tequila...something. Probably mixed with Minute Maid or some shit. It'll definitely do the trick, though."

I coughed and took another sip. It was disgusting, but it was strong at least. At this point, I was used to better quality stuff. One of the fraternities had a side business buying handles of liquor for underclassmen, so Leah and I had developed a taste for the finer things. Leah knew one of the brothers from the reservation, and together they convinced me to be their mule. In exchange for my own handle of cheap rum, I stuffed my backpack with towel-wrapped bottles and made deliveries to the dorms and sorority houses on my side of campus. Back then, I looked innocent and studious enough to fly under the radar of the campus police. 

Together, we scanned the room looking for horny newbies and people we knew. A gaggle of overdressed girls were cackling in the corner, like a herd of antelope clustering together on the savannah. I remembered when I used to go everywhere with the girls on my floor. It was our security blanket while we learned how to navigate campus and all of its hazards. Other people were dancing to music that was almost nothing but a bassline that made the entire house vibrate, drunkenly grinding on each other and stumbling in their heels.

"There's a lot of virgins tonight," said Leah, licking her lips.

"Why do you always go after the virgins? Do you just crave disappointment?"

"What can I say? I like corrupting the innocent," she replied with a wicked grin. "They usually let me take the reins, so I make sure I'm never disappointed. Though I'll admit whiskey dick is a very real occupational hazard."

"They don't need to be virgins for that."

"True, but I'd rather have a virginal guy with whiskey dick than try to initiate some princess. That's where the real disappointment comes in."

Before I knew it, our cups were almost empty, and I could feel the buzz setting in. More people had come trickling into the basement, but there was nobody of interest among them. I couldn't believe I agonized over what to wear for this.

"This is pretty lame."

"Yeah, it's really too bad. People are too shy tonight." I eyed the pong table. "Or not shy enough."

I grabbed Leah's hand, dumping my cup in the trash.

"C'mon, let's hit up the smoke room."

"I thought you'd never ask."

We pushed through the group on the dance floor to the other end of the basement and squeezed through the door, which was partially obstructed by a couple furiously making out. A cloud of smoke drifted out that should have been enough to set off the fire alarm, and we planted ourselves on couch that was clearly no longer its original color. Bob Marley and Scarface posters lined the walls while a Sublime track played in the background. Now all we needed was some Christmas lights and a pile of rancid laundry to win Freshman Dorm Bingo.

They were passing around a glass pipe and coughing like coal miners with every pass.

"Jesus Christ, look at these infants," Leah muttered in my ear. "If they keep torching it like that it's going to be cashed before it even gets to us."

"Yeah well after those drinks, I want to make sure you get your money's worth. I promise: if it gets to us and they don't pack another, we can go back out and I will dance with you."

Leah's eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"Really."

"You've got yourself a deal, Swan."

Of all the things that changed since I left Forks, grace was not one of them, but I was less concerned about embarrassing myself and more so about causing permanent damage. We watched the boys fumble with the lighter for another ten minutes before giving up. There was no ventilation except for a crack in the window, so the secondhand smoke was probably more than we were ever going to get.

"Alright, time's up, bitch," Leah declared, picking me up off the couch and marching me back into the main room.

There had been a flood of new people since we left, and the floor was packed. She dragged me into the center to dance, and in my altered state, I was very grateful to be wearing my sneakers instead of the shoes Leah wanted me to wear. The music had improved, too. It sounded like someone had wrenched control of the music out of Kyle's hands, which was to everyone's benefit. The beat was good, and I was slowly coming around to dancing. It wasn't long before Leah stumbled, and I grabbed her by the waist to steady her. For a lame party, I was actually having a lot of fun, and Leah was too, though she was more far-gone than me.

"Lee, I'm going to go get a beer. You want anything?"

She shook her head, still too immersed in the music to care.

I barely made it back to the keg, which was nearly empty, shoving a dollar into the guy's hand before filling up with the dregs. I stayed on the edges of the floor for a bit observing Leah, who was now grinding on a wide-eyed kid that was probably barely eighteen. One day, I wanted to be on her level, able to just do whatever I wanted without being so goddamn self-conscious all the time. It was all part of the New Bella Swan Project. I was going to be more outgoing, take more risks, and be more up-front with people. I wasn't going to take any more shit from anyone. Leah was a good coach.

I scanned the crowd again, only finding my old roommate chatting with her sorority sisters. Gina was nice, but not someone you'd want to live with. When I looked to her left, I nearly choked on my beer. A tall, bulky figure was facing the wall, apparently making out with some girl whose leg was hitched up around him. He had long, thick black hair tied in a ponytail at the nape of his neck, with a circular tattoo on the russet skin of his shoulder, peeking out from under the sleeve of his shirt. There was no mistaking: It was him.

I was frozen in disbelief. What was he doing here? He couldn't be a student. I heard that he failed a semester and would have to repeat. Not that I cared. He'd made his bed. Jacob Black wasn't my concern anymore. But why did he have to show up after all this time?

I should have moved. I should have hidden behind a tall person or a wall or literally anything, but I didn't. I was too transfixed by the back of his head, praying that I had it all wrong and that it was just one of his stupid buddies from the rez. The girl he was with climbed down off of him and headed towards the bar, receiving a short smack on the ass from her partner as she departed. He turned around and leaned against the wall, shoving his hand into his pocket to retrieve his phone. I was right, and it wasn't until he looked up and noticed me staring at him that I realized just how badly I'd fucked up.

I made a beeline for Leah, sloshing beer onto the front of my shirt as I searched the crowd for her. She was making out with the guy from before.

"Lee!" I shouted over the music.

"Kinda busy here, Swan," she slurred, looking at me from the corner of her eyes.

"We need to go, Leah. Now."

She shoved the guy off of her and loudly whispered something lewd into his ear.

"What's your damage?" She saw my unusually pale face, and her expression changed from annoyance to concern. I grabbed her wrist and led her outside and into the street.

"Seriously, what's going on? Bella?"

I was still power-walking towards the dorm, which was thankfully just across the way from the house. She got tired of being dragged and finally yanked her arm away.

"Jacob Black was in there," I replied sharply over the thudding of my racing heart. Leah finally caught up to me as I tapped my building key into onto the door.

"Holy shit, seriously? What's Black doing here?"

"My question exactly."

My coordination was hindered more than I estimated. I clung to the bannister as I climbed the stairs to our room on the third floor. My hands shook as I shoved my key into the door, and slammed it shut behind us. I landed hard onto the mattress, my mind racing with questions. I was still too sober to deal with this.

"Wait, how do you know Black? He went to the tribal school."

"He transferred to Forks High for the magnet program after his second year."

I grabbed my purse and began fishing around fruitlessly for a cigarette and a lighter. Leah, who had somehow sobered up to be the calm and responsible one over the course of ten minutes, handed me one of hers and led me out onto the balcony facing Greek Square. I sank into the folding beach chairs on the balcony, clicking the lighter over and over before getting the cigarette to light. Leah took it from my mouth and lit it with her own before handing it back to me. I shoved it back between my lips and took a huge pull, and it made me cough.

"Jesus, Bella, it's not going anywhere. Why are you so wigged out?"

"Jake and I used to be friends. Best friends."

"No way," she gasped, clearly intrigued by the very notion. "Black, of all people? Seth told me he was always glued to his dumbass rez friends. Where would you even see him?"

"We met at the beginning of my junior year. Charlie and his dad are friends, remember." I took another drag. "We met in AP Psych."

"He was really funny. I used to roast him a lot because his notes sucked and he'd get me back by making cracks about my truck being a piece of shit. I got yelled at a lot in class 'cause he was always messing with me, trying to make me laugh." I couldn't help but smile fondly at the memory. "Then we got put on a project together. I went to his place to work on it with him and he showed me his garage and the stuff he was working on. We just started hanging out after that. We went on his bike sometimes, or First Beach, or did homework at my house. I'd just moved to Forks and I had a lot of trouble making friends, and there he was, just out of nowhere."

Leah exhaled, and I could see a smirk growing on her face. "And?"

"And nothing. We were really close, but...I don't know. None of that matters now. He hates my guts and I'm not really hot on him either."

I sighed and closed my eyes. I thought I was never going to see him again. I thought I was going to be able to leave that entire chapter of my life behind me and embrace New Bella, but I guess something of that magnitude wasn't going to go away without a fight.

"What happened?" she must have read my face, because her own voice became uncharacteristically quiet.

Before I could answer, a howl echoed through the night air. About a dozen guys were pouring out of the frat house, stumbling and braying like mules. Leah leaned over and peered through the railing to get a better look.

"There he is," she said, her voice filled with disdain.

She was not the diplomatic type, and I worried that she would try to punch him if I told her too much. She was half his size, but she wasn't afraid of anything. 

His arm was swung over the shoulders of the girl from before. His face had obstructed my view of hers before, but it looked like one of the girls who lived on the second floor of our dorm. Happy-happy, joy-joy. I put on my best neutral face, but I couldn't stop myself from staring down at them from the balcony as they approached, puffing away at my cigarette. I was going to need another one in a second. Looking at him was like watching a car crash: you hate every second of it but you still can't look away. But now we were on my turf, and I wasn't going anywhere this time. Theoretically, anyways.

Our eyes locked. My heart was racing, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of looking away. That scowl was so un-Jacob, but then again, I wasn't the Bella that he remembered anymore. It only took a moment before he simply scoffed at my challenge and turned away. Leah was watching him like a hawk, and she was in no state to suffer fools. I watched her face contort, and leapt to her feet, leaning over the railing.

"What's your problem, asshole?" Her voice probably carried all the way to the library.

"I don't have a problem, Clearwater," he sneered. "But I am itching for a fight if you want to get your scrawny ass down here."

"I'll kick your ass, Black! You don't get to just waltz in and-"

I had to stop her before she went postal. I stood up and grabbed her from behind by her arm, trying to lead her inside.

"Leah, it's fine. Really. Just leave it alone."

"You should listen to her, Clearwater. She knows how to leave things alone better than anyone."

I managed to shove her inside to keep him from getting her any more riled up than she already was.

"Hey!" he called. "Make sure you tell Cullen I said hi. I wasn't kidding about that fight."

The security lights from the building bounced off his face, illuminating the teeth in his trademark smile. Only now, the genuine sweetness of it that I remembered had been replaced with sarcasm and bitterness, and a tiny, long dormant part of me began to ache. Who the hell did he think he was? He bailed on me when I needed him the most, and now he had the nerve to get pissy at me. Maybe, in some twisted way, that meant we were even now. He disappeared with his date, and for the first time, I was glad Jacob was gone.

I found Leah sitting on the rug, looking like she'd be more than happy to run outside and finish what they started. As much as I loathed the whole encounter, I couldn't be surprised by any of it. Scenes from senior year played out in front of me like a movie. How could I ever forget that look of disgust and betrayal in his eyes as they bored holes into my back, day after day? 

"What the fuck was that all about?" she hissed.

"Same old, same old. I thought I was going to have a fun college experience where high school didn't follow me around like the Grim Reaper. Silly me."

"I thought you guys were friends before?"

"Only until I met my ex, and then it all went sideways."

I walked back onto the balcony, pulled another smoke out of the carton, and put it to my mouth. I really didn't want to get into this now, or ever really, but she wasn't going to let this go. Leah waited expectantly.

"Not long after I got together with Edward, I couldn't really see Jake anymore. I knew most of the tribe hated him and the Cullens, but I didn't know why, and I didn't think it was enough for him to do a 180 on me."

"Edward Cullen? The doctor's kid?"

"Yep."

"No wonder. The Cullens are racist as shit."

"Yeah, I figured that out eventually," I said dryly as I tapped the ash off the edge of the railing.

"So what, he just turned into an asshole overnight?"

"Not exactly, but after a while, I could barely see him anymore. Edward didn't want me over there anyways. The Cullens were convinced that he and the other guys on the reservation were part of some kind of gang. Kept talking about how it wasn't safe for me to be around them and how it would ruin my reputation."

"Are you serious?" she said, amazed by the very idea. "And you believed them?"

"Of course not! But Ed used to get really mad whenever I talked about visiting, even mentioning Jake, really. Then Jake found out Ed and I were dating and he confronted me about it. We had this huge fight, and I guess he decided he didn't want to be friends anymore. It really pissed me off for a long time. After a while, I thought maybe Edward would ease up on me..."

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I hadn't revisited any of this since it happened. I didn't want to. I wanted to put it all behind me and start my life over in a new place with new friends. This was something for a therapist to handle in ten years. I quickly collected myself and resumed my quiet stoicism.

"Bella-"

"-It's fine, Lee. It's actually a really long story. I don't want to get into it tonight, but I'll give you the reader's digest version: I had to get a restraining order. I was super messed up and I needed him, but when I tried to talk to Jake again and apologize for the fight, he just was gone."

Some smouldering ashes dripped onto my finger, burning my skin, and I just watched it roll off. I needed to bury all of this back where it belongs. No more Cry-baby Swan. I didn't need another guy in my life again. Guys are trash. I wasn't going to let my dumbass feelings get in my way. I was going to focus on having a career and a social life. I called all the shots now.

"Bella, I'm sorry," she said, gently placing her hand over mine. Her quiet moment of concern and empathy was quickly replaced by rage.

"I can't fucking believe it." She stood up suddenly and went back into the room to grab her cell.

"What're you doing? You're not calling him, are you?"

"Of course not! I'm calling Seth. Little worm is going to tell me everything."

"Lee, it's past midnight. You can harass your brother tomorrow."

"No, he's been keeping shit from me. I bet he's up with Embry and those other little shits."

He had lit the fuse and now she was on a rampage. Seth wasn't a bad kid, and he didn't need to deal with her when she was like this. I don't think Leah really wanted to be an only child, either.

"Lee, honey, call him tomorrow morning. He'll probably be hung over."

"You're right," she said, shoving her phone into her pocket.

I sighed and put out my last cigarette before shuffling back into our room and flopping down onto my bed. I yanked my shoes off and threw them on the floor in a huff. Leah followed me in and locked the door behind us. She sat on the edge of her bed, staring wordlessly at me as I found shapes in the plaster on the ceiling.

"What Leah," I said flatly.

"I should have known he was coming here. Of all the news going around in the tribe, I should have known."

"It's not your fault. And how would you even know to warn me? You didn't even know we used to be friends."

She sniffed. Oh no, drunk-crying Leah was trying to come out, and at the most inopportune moment. I didn't know I was going to need to diffuse two Leah's tonight.

"Lee, come on. It's fine. It's not a big deal. Let's just go to bed."

I peeled off my jeans and crawled under the blankets. Hugging my pillow tightly to my chest. I still had my makeup on, but I was too wrung out to make the ten-foot journey to the bathroom. I had barely closed my eyes when sleep took me, and Jacob's scowl faded from my mind.

I woke the next morning to find myself alone. Leah was on the balcony again, and her muffled ranting was carrying through the door. Hell, it could probably carry all the way to the student center.

"...Because you were pal-ing around with him for months, Seth! You followed him around like a dog, and you're trying to tell me you had no idea?...That's bullshit...It is, it's bullshit...Okay, fine. What did he say to you?...Oh, that's rich… Of course I hate Cullen too! That doesn't mean she had to take the heat for it...whatever, Seth. Just let me know, okay?...Yeah...Love you too, you little brat...Bye."

I rose from my bed like a zombie, and walked into the bathroom to look at the damage. There was definitely going to be foundation on my pillow, along with some mascara. Most of my lipstick had already been worn off on cups and smokes, so that thankfully wasn't an issue. I hadn't brushed my teeth and there was a large bump in my hair from where the ponytail was. In short, I looked like a mess, so it was time for a shower. No matter what happened, a shower always made me feel at least a little bit better, like a snake shedding its skin, or in my case, shedding a layer of dirt and regret.

I scrubbed myself down with body wash twice, once for the dirt and again for the regret. I could hear Leah pacing over the flow of the water, and I wasn't awake enough for a recap just yet. I washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and shaved, and I emerged from the shower reborn. I opened the door to find Leah finally stationary, staring down at her phone.

"Alright, let's do this," I sighed, going through my drawers for underwear and a shirt.

"So I talked to Seth. You were right about calling him in the morning, by the way."

"Of course I was."

"Anyways, Seth told me that Black started hanging out with Quil Ateara and Embry Call sometime in his junior year. All of the sudden, they started acting up. Sneaking out, cliff diving, drinking, partying, that kind of thing. Just pissing off the elders, mostly. Seth didn't really know him well then, but he said that he had a really short temper. Word has it that he got into a fight with his sister's boyfriend and broke his nose."

"Holy shit, really?"

That wasn't the Jacob I knew before, before everything went to hell. He was a tough looking kid, but he was a teddy bear. I pulled my shirt over my head and stepped into a pair of old yoga pants. I was in no mood to dress up for anyone.

"Yeah, but Paul's an asshole so maybe he deserved it. Sam's friend is an asshole; what a big surprise," she muttered acridly.

I knew that Sam was her ex, but she didn't like to talk about him. Just mentioning him seemed to piss her off even more. Neither of us were ready to go into any detail about our exes, and we respected that boundary.

"Apparently, Black had been spending some time with Sam and his cronies, too. Seth thinks it was some kind of macho crap. Sounds like he was sleeping with every girl who'd have him. I mean, he's a dick, but you can't deny he's hot."

I certainly couldn't. Jake was already attractive when I knew him before his growth spurt, but when pairing his boyish face with his new muscular frame, the overall effect was breathtaking. If we had never met before, I might have turned into a drooling, lovesick idiot. Maybe that would have been better. Maybe he wouldn't have been the person he is now if we hadn't met.

I sat down on the floor to tie my shoes, the new information churning in my head, and it was making me nauseous. Or maybe that was just my empty stomach.

"Well?"

"Well what?" I snapped. "He can live however he wants. He doesn't owe me anything. If he doesn't want to be friends anymore then that's fine. I just want him to leave me alone."

Leah smiled sympathetically. "There's the inner bitch I know and love. Come on, babe. Let's go eat before they run out of bagels.


	2. So Two Years Ago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety and chance encounters.

By some miracle, I did not see or hear from him for weeks. I would have been overjoyed if I wasn't already loaded down with classwork. I was almost done with all of my GenEd and prerequisites, and now I could finally get started with the interesting stuff. The Psych department had tons of interesting classes and I was itching to get started on the electives. Lucky for me, I got the top score on the AP test, so I wouldn't have to sit through Intro to Psychology and listen to toddlers talk about Freud. But that was all assuming I made it through Chemistry, which was never my strong suit to begin with. Sure, brain chemistry is a major contributing factor in the field, but balancing equations and mapping out electron shells was never going to come up in my line of work.

Some people say that Psych kids choose the major to diagnose their own issues, and part of me believes that. I had refused counseling over that summer despite Charlie's pleading because I wasn't ready lay all that out on the table for anyone, but especially me. I still wanted to be a therapist as a career regardless, but I had to admit that part of me just wanted to be able to pick all of that apart and solve it myself. I was always better at solving other people's problems than my own. Other people were so straightforward, but my brain had slowly turned into a labyrinth inhabited by guilt and anger and anxiety and David Bowie. Nobody needed to see any of that.

The more time I spent on campus, the more truth I saw in the stereotypes about different majors. Psych majors were depressed; Political Science majors were sociopaths; Philosophy majors were insufferable; History majors were irredeemable nerds; Business majors didn't know what to do with their lives, and Engineering majors were masochists. Maybe I was a masochist, too.

It sure felt like it. I had spent the better part of my free day working on Chemistry. It was comforting to know that most of the class was struggling right along with me, but the professor was only going to curve the tests so low before I had to start blaming myself. I'd met with a few kids from my class and the Tuesday-Thursday class in the common room to go over the review together, but once they all left, I suddenly had no idea what I was looking at. Another hour went by, and I had worked through some of it, but my brain was about to start oozing out my ears. I needed coffee, but if I was going to get coffee, then I would have to journey halfway across campus. And if I was going to walk across campus, then I needed to put on something other than three-day-old sweats.

Leah had been trying to convince me to dress better, even on days I didn't have class. I would have lived in jeans and whatever shirt was at the top of my drawer forever if she wasn't going to nag me about it, but I was supposed to be making a change. Leah wasn't dressing me up for her own benefit; this was just guidance, guidance that sometimes included a little arm-twisting. I already vetoed heels as a hazard to myself and others, but they were too much for a 10am class anyways. Skirts were hard to wrap my head around. They increased my chances of flashing someone, which wasn't usually helpful. Dresses were a bit easier. I liked that I only had one article of clothing to think about, nothing to match or tuck in. In a way, I could keep being a total slob without necessarily looking like one.

Putting on clothes was somehow costing me more brain power today than I had left. I grabbed a light blue t-shirt dress that Leah insisted I buy and yanked it over my head. I quickly ran a brush through my hair, only to find that Leah had hidden my converse again. I sighed and kicked my feet into the barely-used ankle boots and took a quick look in the mirror. See, Swan? It almost looks like you put effort into this

It was one of the few remaining sunny days in Washington, and I was almost happy that I had been forced to leave my room, or maybe that was just the sudden influx of vitamin D. The mid-afternoon slump was a very real phenomenon, and I arrived at the bookstore to find that everyone else had the same idea as me. By the time I made it to the register, I was ready to climb over the counter and make it myself.

"Dark roast with a shot of espresso," I grunted. The cashier smiled sympathetically.

"Would you like any whipped cream, sprinkles, chocolate or caramel syrup?"

"Yes."

She waited for me to elaborate. I simply stared back at her, deadpan and unblinking. Sure, let's add a metric fuck-ton of sugar. I probably had low blood sugar anyways. I should eat, but I hadn't been in the mood lately. Hell, let's make it an Irish coffee, too. Add Kahlua. Whatever. Just pour everything in a bowl and bring me a ladle.

Surely she'd seen this before. She scribbled the rest of my order on the cup and ran me through without subjecting me to any more decisions. I clawed my order away from the poor barista so aggressively that I almost took his arm with me. I took a huge gulp at once and nearly burned my mouth, but the bigger issue was that the sweetness set my teeth on edge. I was surprised at myself. My drink of choice was pretty consistent: whatever I could find that was strong, black, and bitter.

I longed to escape the noise of the cafe. I found a bench outside under the shade of a tree and sank into it. It was facing the library, an annoying reminder of what I was supposed to be doing instead of throttling my pancreas. How was it possible to feel this burned out two months into the semester? I wondered how I was going to get through to December without failing or giving myself a heart attack. I pulled out a cigarette to add more fuel to this fire. Smoke-free campus my ass.

I'd been doing this too much lately. I told myself that this pack had to last me until Thanksgiving break, but at this rate it would be empty before Halloween. The smoke was burning my lungs, but I liked it. I liked the rush of nicotine, the way it occupied my nervous hands, and the way the resulting cloud kept people away. It wasn't my fault. Ever since I saw him, I found myself reaching for the pack. His presence was literally killing me.

I could feel myself spacing out despite the triple action of everything I was putting in my body, and I settled on watching students file in and out of the library. Kids went in looking anxious but hopeful, and they left looking like retail employees. Freshmen with too many books that they were naive enough to buy new, sophomores with rented copies, and upperclassmen with the bare minimum to get them through the class. Whether we intended it or not, everyone would be a different person by the time they graduated.

And who should walk out looking utterly miserable than the man himself. I could feel the adrenaline spike as he trudged towards the old campus, praying that he wouldn't spot me. God must have been smiling on me, because he was too engrossed in his conversation with what looked like the guy Leah was trying to hook up with that night. What an odd pair. They had to be roommates. Dangling by his side was a massive tome. What was that, calculus? When did that happen? At the rate he was killing brain cells on the weekend, I was surprised that he was jumping in head first. Not that it mattered. I quickly threw my bag over my shoulder and started walking in the opposite direction, but not before I saw him glance at me over his shoulder and turn around.

Shit. Not again. I hurried across the quad and through the massive pine trees that lined the main walkway. I know, I'll zig-zag around the back of the economics building, around the other side of the neighboring dorm, and sneak into my own through the back door. Wait, what was I doing? Developing a strategic plans to avoid some guy? Running serpentine like he was trying to shoot me? Maybe I was getting more neurotic with age. You were supposed to be trying to be more up-front with people, Bella. Confident. Risk taking. Stand your ground, you coward.

Maybe next time. For right now, I was way too stressed and way too wired to deal with that jackass again, but I wasn't going to be able to avoid him forever. I was going to be stuck with him for three years, and then I could go to grad school in California or Florida or Siberia. Leah was going to be annoyed with me for being such a wimp, but maybe a pep talk would keep me from acting like a complete idiot.

Leah was reclined on her bed when I got home, eyeing me suspiciously when I slammed the door shut. I could tell without looking that I was pink from power-walking the entire way.

"You got a little something there, Swan," she remarked, wiggling her middle and index fingers at me.

I had never ditched the cigarette, and it had burned down almost to the filter. I realized then that I probably looked like a crazy person. She raised her eyebrows.

"Jake saw me," I stammered, blowing through each word at ninety miles a minute. "I was getting coffee and I stayed too long in front of the library and he came out and he was talking to that guy from the party and then he saw me and then I came back." I took a gulp of air into my singed lungs.

"Jesus fuck, Bella. Calm down. Why are you freaking out?"

"I don't know!" I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "I just hate knowing he's here, that I could run into him anywhere, any time. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"What's the worst he could do, be a dick? Stand your ground, Swan. If he spits at you, spit back."

Exactly what I expected from her. She was right of course. I was trying to be strong, to stay focused and confident and objective about everything, but he made it so difficult. Staying objective in anything regarding Jacob Black had been a challenge from our very beginning.

"I know. I just really don't need someone constantly making me think about my ex, or even just high school in general. I had a really solid streak going until he showed up."

Leah sat next to me and hugged me around my shoulders.

"I get it, babe. If I knew that Emily was walking around campus somewhere I'd lose it. You just can't let one asshole ruin college for you."

She put her hands on my shoulders and twisted my upper body to face her, and for a moment I was afraid she was going to shake me.

"You are not going to hide in this dorm anymore," she said in her usual commanding tone. "You can freak out about your test this weekend, but after that we are going to a Halloween party in the trashiest costumes we can find. We are going to party, and we are going to have a great time. And if he shows up...?"

"Who cares!"

"That's my girl!"

Leah's fire was infectious. I just hoped I could keep it up when she wasn't around.

After a bit of prodding, she was able to convince me to go back to the library the next night. She wanted me to do well on the test, but I think she mostly just wanted the room so she could bring that Brazilian exchange student over again, and after seeing Paola, I couldn't really blame her.

My textbook, workbook, and notes were spread out haphazardly across most of the table. I knew I was taking up too much space, but this was an emergency. The review at the end of class got me back on track, and now I just had to memorize as much as I could before Monday. I was hunched over the table scribbling formulas on index cards to add to the growing stack of homemade flash cards next to me. I put my hair up again to keep it out of the way, but the end still slid over my shoulder to tickle the back of my hand. If I spent the rest of the weekend with these, I could probably pull a very respectable 70% on this test. I stood up to grab my backpack off the chair in front of me and I realized I really needed to hit the bathroom.

Upon inspection in the mirror, I thought I looked like I was holding it together pretty well. I was sailing through my other classes, I was going to pass my next chem test, and I didn't look half as strung out as I'd expected. I'd even been able to dress myself in something other than leggings and a giant hoodie. All in all, not too shabby. I checked my phone. It was already eleven-thirty.

I made my way back to my table at a decent pace, trying to get more blood flowing to my brain after sitting for so long, to discover something was different. Sitting atop my open book was a tiara, the glittery plastic kind I might've worn when I was six. It had a giant pink heart-shaped rhinestone in the center with about a million white ones glued around the sides.

That son of a bitch.

This time, I was going to follow Leah's method: Don't get anxious; get angry. My head darted all around in search of Jacob. I was half expecting to see him smirking at me in the corner, congratulating himself for such a clever and original joke. But he wasn't there. I went around the corner, walked along the aisles, surveyed the nearby tables and chairs, but he was nowhere to be found. Someone as big as him should not be able to sneak around that well. I groaned and massaged the bridge of my nose. There went my studying rhythm. I admitted defeat and threw everything in my bag for the trek back to the dorm. I looked down at the tiara like it was The One Ring, and I swear it was looking back. I'd really hoped he would forget that nickname. I decided to shove it in my bag with everything else, and I stomped out the main entrance, where he was waiting for me.

He was leaning against a giant column, his arms crossed over his giant chest and a smug smile plastered on his face.

"Did you like my present, Princess?"

He had to be kidding me. He was really going to try to make a scene in front of the library, of all places. The complete and utter silence inside would pair well with all the profanities I had prepared.

"Tell me, why are you spending your Friday night alone in the library?"

"Why are you spending your Friday night being a douchebag?" I countered. "Why do you care? Isn't there someone else around here that you could annoy?"

He was completely unfazed. In fact, he almost seemed amused. I would have slapped him if I could reach.

"Speaking of which, where's Prince Charming?"

"How the fuck should I know?" I spat.

I turned on my heels and started to walk away. It always had to come back to Edward. Of all the things he could torture me with, this is what he picked. He was obsessed. Maybe I should tell him where he went so they could beat the shit out of each other and leave me in peace. He had no right to be mad at me, not after everything that Edward put me through. Even now, it stung that his grudge was more important than our friendship.

"What's wrong? Trouble in paradise?"

Stay cool, Bella. Don't take the bait.

"I'm surprised he even let you out after dark. Or does he just have GPS chip in your arm now? I hear there's all kinds of gang activity-"

That's it. I whirled around to face him.

"What do you want from me? Hmm?" I was yelling. I don't remember the last time I was this loud. I guess I was the one causing a scene.

"We broke up! Is that what you wanted to hear? Well we did! We broke up and he went to a different school, and if I ever see him again I'm calling the fucking cops. So there: You're all caught up now, so you can shut the hell up!"

That wiped the smile right off his face, and I loved it. In second place behind the seething anger pulsing through me was the perverse satisfaction of yelling in his face and seeing how quickly he backed down. Leah was going to be so proud of me.

Or at least she would have been if she wasn't naked when I entered the room.

"It's called knocking, Swan," she hissed.

"Sorry!" I turned and ducked out into the hall. I heard their muffled voices as they got dressed. The door swung open again, and Paola waved at us as she pranced out the door and down the stairs. Leah was wearing her robe, draping her disheveled body between the door and the frame looking more annoyed than usual, and I knew I was going to get an earful.

"Bitch, I thought we had a deal."

"I know. Something came up."

"Something that couldn't wait another half hour?"

"Leah, you and I both know it wasn't going to be just another half hour."

"Ugh, fine." She regarded me sourly. "But you owe me a room tomorrow."

"Only if that doesn't mean I'm going to have to sleep in the library. That's really more a of a final exams thing."

She opened the door and gestured for me to enter with all the sarcasm I would expect from her. She sat on the bed and closed her eyes.

"Okay, lay it on me."

I dug through my backpack for the tiara and tossed it briskly into her lap.

"I left my desk for a minute, and when I came back, I found this."

Leah looked down at the ninety-nine cent hunk of plastic in front of her and snorted. Then she just laughed. I frowned

"I'm glad you found it as hilarious as he did."

"Oh shit, you saw him?" As usual, she was getting way too excited about this.

"He was waiting for me outside the library, like he knew I was coming for him. And then he started talking about Edward and making shitty jokes and I just snapped."

"And?"

"And I yelled back! I told him to shut up, and he backed off. He looked kind of surprised, actually."

She grinned and pumped her fist in the air.

"Yes! See, this is what I was talking about. Now if you really want to throw him for a loop next time, you should punch him."

"Only if I want to break my hand on that thick skull of his."

"It was weird, though," I began thoughtfully. "He was still asking where Edward was, like he didn't know. Either he didn't know about the breakup, or he just wanted to drag it out of me himself. Probably the latter."

"That is weird. I didn't know you two were a thing back then, but even I knew that Cullen got shipped off somewhere after he graduated. The tribe practically threw a party."

"Weird," I echoed, taking off my pants and getting into bed.

She inspected the crown a second time, spinning it around in her fingers.

"Why does he call you 'Princess,' anyways? Has he met you?"

I sighed and laid my head back on the pillow.

"Edward's family was loaded, like really loaded. Both his parents are doctors. He used to buy me all kinds of expensive stuff, and so I guess Jacob thinks I'm Anna Nicole Smith."

Leah snorted again.

"I mean, I didn't even want all that. It was all jewelry and expensive clothes and spring break at their beach house. It was way too much. I thought Jake knew that. I thought he knew me better than that, but the fact that he thinks I would stay with a monster for the money is what really blows my mind. I didn't know he thought so little of me."

"I'm sorry, babe," she said softly.

"Yeah, me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Wish You Were Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions were made, and none of them good

Being around the Cullens was like being in another world. They lived in this ridiculous house not far from the center of town that they had custom-built before they came to Forks. Everything was sleek and white, made of marble or glass or steel, with modern art perched on tables and pedestals around their angular furniture. I was afraid to touch anything or even sit on the sofa in the main living room, lest I trip and knock over ten grand worth of ceramic sculptures. It was beautiful, but cold and sparse; more like being in a museum than someone's home.

Mr. Cullen had his own study, which was lined with dark wood paneling and built in shelves holding hundreds of novels and medical texts. He wasn't one for knick-knacks, but the top shelves were populated with oni masks, fossils, and archeological artifacts from their travels abroad. The house had been built that the perfect angle to view the sunset over the lake from his window. The kitchen was massive for a family that never cooked, with glittering granite countertops and a gas stove that went largely untouched. I would have given my right arm for a kitchen like that. The basement was for billiards and playing cards, with a wine cellar that was bigger than my bedroom at Charlie's house.

Each of the three Cullen children had their own suites, complete with master-sized bathrooms with a shower and a jacuzzi. There was a home theater too, with red leather recliners arranged like stadium seating in front of a giant screen. I'm sure there was much more to that house, but I never saw it. You had to call someone on their cell just to see if they were even in the house. I had never seen so many beautiful things in my life, things they didn't seem to care all that much about. With time, I started to get the impression that they cared much more about having nice things than using them, like they collected whatever was beautiful and valuable wherever they were because they liked the way it made them look.

Mrs. Cullen was gorgeous, like a lady in a renaissance painting. He long brown locks always fell effortlessly around her face, with sapphire eyes that sparkled in the light. She was so enthusiastic about meeting me. Alice was clearly the organizer in the family, putting anything from a weekend trip to an outfit together in record time, all while exuding a ceaselessly chipper demeanor. She quickly became my self-appointed life coach, buying me clothes, doing my hair and makeup, giving me an itinerary of every gala and dinner party they took me to. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful. I felt glamorous, like someone who was actually important enough to get invited to events like this.

Rosalie was not so interested in me. I met her for the first time when she came home from Dartmouth for winter break, bringing her boyfriend Emmett with her. She was as flawlessly beautiful as the rest of them, but all her smiles looked choreographed as if from years of practice, and few of them were ever intended for me. I was disappointed that she didn't like me, given that she was attending my top choice of colleges. I wanted to ask her about it, about the classes she was in, the professors, the dorms, but she only gave me a few words before changing the subject. Emmett was pre-med, and I could tell that the Cullens were absolutely chomping at the bit for him to propose. He was the perfect addition to their perfect family.

They were making real estate investments all over the area, which proved pretty divisive in such a small community. People had enjoyed the quiet for decades, and they weren't ready for their shabby bars and hardware store to be replaced with vacation homes. I never thought that the city would grant them the permits, but they somehow never encountered any problems getting approval.

The Cullens began to roll out the welcome wagon not long after we met. My truck broke down and was going to cost a fortune to fix, so they insisted that I borrow the "fun" car that they almost never drove: a tricked-out silver Volvo. That was too much for me and definitely to Charlie, who seemed to get increasingly fidgety as the Cullen's gifts and invitations piled up. Wither way, it wouldn't be long before Edwards appointed himself my chauffeur as well. Edward insisted on buying me jewelry for Valentine's day and Christmas, and every event they took me to included a new dress with impossible shoes. Every time I started to feel less uncomfortable with whatever they were doing for me that week, they piled on something new, ensuring that I was constantly overwhelmed. I never had enough bandwidth to think about what was going on, and by the time I did, I realized all of my spare time was spent with Edward and his family.

When they learned about the schools I was looking at over on the west coast, their eyes lit up like Christmas lights. It was a pipedream, given that out of state tuition cost a fortune and I wasn't expecting to get a scholarship. I had been trying to save my earnings to help pay for it, but I was nowhere close. They told me to just worry about getting in. The rest would sort itself out.

Edward was like some kind of prince, in like an old-school Disney kind of way. He showed up out of the blue and completely swept me off my feet. He was excessively charming and handsome, and he was more intensely interested in me than anyone I had ever met. He took me out to dinner most weekends, wrote songs for me on the grand piano in the formal living room, and constantly told me how beautiful I was. I couldn't believe someone like him existed, let alone would want me so badly. Even when he saw how clumsy I was, he didn't laugh. He just insisted on carrying me instead. How could anyone resist that kind of adoration?

I was used to Charlie's particular brand of over-protectiveness. As the chief of police, he had pounded stranger-danger and other terrors facing the youth into my head since I could spell my name. When I was eleven, a teenage girl was abducted in Port Angeles, and Charlie was called in when they found her body in the woods not far from the Quileute reservation. He didn't want to talk about it, but I knew those images had seared themselves into his brain beyond any hope of recovery. When I moved back to Forks, he never wanted me left alone, but as long as I was with someone he trusted, I had some freedom.

They were pretty keen on getting on good terms with my dad as well, which wasn't hard. They were well-versed in the many hazards of the world, like gang violence and abductions, and he looked relieved to have someone else watching over me when he couldn't. I didn't need my job at Mike's family store. Minimum wage jobs apparently rife with sexual harassment, and they were delighted to take care of anything I needed. Before I knew it, I was being supervised everywhere I went.

But then there was Jake. I kept trying to spend time with him in the weeks after Edward and I became official, but we didn't have any classes in common this year, and the Cullens were demanding more and more of my time, to the point that I was only able to catch him on the phone. I could tell he was hurt, but I didn't know how to explain the situation to him. I was certain that he wouldn't understand, that everything only looked weird to people at school because they didn't know the Cullens that well. They were such decent people, so kind and generous, but that wouldn't win him over. Jake was visibly uncomfortable just hearing their name. The overwhelming level of attention and affection had everyone fooled, and it nearly had me fooled as well, almost enough to make me forget the real reason I was doing this.

As the saying goes, the longer you wait to do something, the harder it becomes. What I didn't know was that the longer I waited, the more likely it was that he would hear it from someone else, and that's exactly what happened.

Things became dead silent on his end. Our game of voicemail tag stopped, and I started to see him eyeing me coldly in the parking lot after school. Now it felt like he was actively avoiding me. The weather was terrible, with rain falling heavily on the town from morning to night. I managed to wrestle the afternoon away from Edward, telling him that I was swamped with applications and an English paper and I would just go straight home to work. Instead, I braved the downpour to find Jacob, who I knew would be home by now. I pulled into his driveway, and I could see him standing behind the threshold of the open garage door, staring intently at the Volvo.

I was completely unprepared for rain like this, and the best I could do was pull my second hoodie over my head and make a mad dash through the puddles. He was right: the duct tape did nothing to keep water out of the bottom of my shoes.

"Wow, look who finally found the time," he scoffed, turning away from me and sauntering back to where he'd been working.

"Jake, I'm sorry," I stammered, having no excuse handy that wouldn't sound like complete bullshit. "There's just been so much lately with school and college applications-"

"-And Cullen?," he snapped. "Don't worry about it, Princess."

"Come on, don't be like that."

"Like what, Bella? Get real."

He crouched down and started picking up the tools that were scattered on the dusty floor. I couldn't see his face, but his knuckles were white around the fistful he'd already gathered. I could feel my heart slowly sinking into my stomach. Seeing him so upset, and knowing that I had caused it, was making me sick.

"I mean, really? Edward Cullen, of all people? And you didn't even bother to tell me."

"I didn't know you would take it so well," I replied more sharply than I'd intended. "My mistake."

"How the hell would I take it any other way? The whole fucking family is a nightmare. I never thought you could be stupid enough to buy into their charade."

That felt like a punch to the gut. Jacob never talked like this, especially not to me. I wanted to know who this person was and what he did with Jake.

"I can't believe you!" I snapped, my hurt quickly turning to anger. "The Cullens are good people! They've been nothing but kind and welcoming to me. You don't know them like I do."

He shot up and threw his wrench to the ground with a clatter.

"The Cullens are stuck-up racist assholes who have been trying to keep the tribe from having any say in what goes on. His little brat sister has already started running her mouth to everyone. She's telling people Sam and the guys are selling drugs."

Alice was a sweetheart. I'd never heard her say anything like that about someone. It could have been anyone, even other Quileute kids. He couldn't actually know who was spreading it.

"Alice would never do that!"

"Oh yeah?" he spat. "Why don't you go ask your new bestie about it then?"

He shook his head in disgust.

"Do you honestly believe them? They aren't doing any of this because they like you. They want something out of you, just like Cullen. He doesn't love you; he thinks you'll help him get elected prom king and his dad thinks cozying up to the police chief's daughter will help him get away with shit."

Of course Edward loved me. He'd never been anything but thoughtful and romantic. Maybe it was a little too much, but he seemed so devoted.

"And what the hell would you know about that, Jake?"

"He's fake, Bella! How can you not see that? It's all an act. There's nothing real about him. He's using you and you're too busy enjoying the perks of being some rich asshole's girlfriend to see it."

"Oh, so he couldn't possibly love me that much, is that it? Why would anyone ever pay that much attention to plain Bella Swan? They must be up to something!"

"That's not what I said!" he growled. He was shaking, his eyes blazing with anger.

"You might as well have! You're acting like me having a boyfriend is some kind of grand conspiracy to destroy Forks."

"It's not about you having a boyf-" He stopped, almost wincing at the word. "It's about  _who!_ "

"Well, we're past the point where I'd give you any say in the matter." Oops.

He cocked his head. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing," I replied, sensing unwelcome thoughts trying to claw their way to the surface again. I thought I'd gotten rid of those. Better change the subject.

"And what's wrong with having money, anyways? They've been helping me and Charlie out a lot. I'm getting to do all these things I never thought I could in a million years. They want to help me get into Dartmouth, for Christ's sake! "

He stalked towards me, and for the first time in my life, I was almost scared of him.

"Are you hearing yourself right now? You sound like my sister! So that's your price, huh? All it took for you to sell your soul? You know, for someone who's getting so much money thrown at you, you're pretty fucking cheap."

I could feel tears stinging my eyes as he spat it all out. I was furious, but so desperately sad. I never wanted any of this. In the beginning I had hoped he would be happy for me. I never thought he would try to make me feel guilty for letting someone love me. I couldn't deal with this anymore. I had been rendered completely speechless. I could feel myself crumbling under the weight of his insults and accusations, as if my heart was going to cave in and kill me right then and there.

"I don't need you to jerk me around anymore, Bella. Go find your prince and leave me alone."

That's when I turned tail and ran out of his garage, letting the rain soak me through completely. I didn't care anymore. At least nobody would be able to see my tears. I cranked up the heat in the car to stave off the shivering. It was bad enough that I was driving with impaired vision and clouded judgement; I didn't need to add unsteady hands to the mix. I completely spaced out, to the point that my body took over driving while my mind was asleep. Every part of me had started shutting down.

I pulled into my driveway to find Edward pacing back and forth on my porch. I didn't know what he was doing here, and I wasn't entirely sure if he should go or if I never wanted him to leave. The car door slammed, and I drug myself through the mud to meet him, no longer able to feel the icy rain on my skin. He looked upset, and I couldn't tell if he was angry or just worried.

"Bella, where have you been?"

"It doesn't matter," I said flatly, looking up at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I knew you weren't really going to do homework. You're a bad liar, so I came to check on you, and it's a good thing I did."

I didn't answer. He looked over at the car, which had mud splattered all over the bottom half.

"Bella, you shouldn't be driving in this weather. It's not safe, and neither is staying in these wet clothes. Come inside."

He ushered me through the front door, grabbing a throw blanket from off the couch and wrapping me up like the victim of a car crash. I dropped onto the couch like a rock. Edward sat beside me, reaching his arm around my shoulder and searching my face for clues.

"My love, please, you're scaring me. Tell me what happened. I can't bear to see you like this."

I had no words, just the hole that Jake had punched through my chest. I never understood just how much he held me up until he let go.

My face began to contort into a wretched grimace of anguish, and I let out a breathy wail that bounced off the walls of the house. If my dad were here, this was the point where he would have burst into the room brandishing his shotgun. Tears came pouring out as heavy as the rain as I howled into my hands.

"Was it Jacob?"

I sucked in a heavy breath, trying to calm myself for even just a moment to respond. I simply nodded.

"Oh, darling," he sighed, wrapping both arms around me.

"It's all my fault," I gasped.

"No, love, no. I knew something wasn't right."

"I can't.."

"Bella," he cooed, brushing a lock of my soaked hair out of my face. "None of this is your fault. There's something going on with those kids from the reservation. Your father passed me on the porch when he left for work. He told me that he'd been there a lot lately."

I finally looked into his eyes, scared to hear what he might say next.

"There's been a lot of activity down there, a lot of fights. A kid ended up with a concussion and two broken ribs, but he wouldn't give up who did it do him. None of them will."

"He wouldn't," I choked.

He paused, letting me soak it all in.

"My heart breaks for you, but the reservation isn't safe for you, my love," he said softly, stroking my face. "There's something going on there. Those kids aren't who who you think they are."

I wept, so confused and exhausted by what had transpired in the last hour. I had lost the best friend I'd ever had.

"Shhh," he whispered. "It's all going to be alright. You will always have me, no matter what."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I didn't enjoy writing this chapter because I hate seeing Jake so upset. Don't worry, though. He's going to be alright.


	4. Sixteen Candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No fucks were given.
> 
>  
> 
> Until they were.

After the last time I saw him, it was becoming increasingly difficult to concentrate. I was spacing out again, reading through several pages before realizing that I hadn't internalized any of it. My exams were probably going to be fine, but the memory of them from my very first semester still haunted my dreams. Maybe spending the rest of the weekend studying was overkill, but at least it kept me busy. I was stuck with three midterms on Wednesday and one on Friday, which was more intense than I'd hoped for, but I could afford to backslide a little in preparation for Halloween.

Halloween was always my favorite holiday growing up. Renee always came up with some ridiculous costume idea and made it herself so that I could confuse the other kids in my class. But once I got too old for school parties and trick-or-treating, it just depressed me. All of the celebrations happened when you were a kid, and then you were left high and dry forever afterwards. That's what I thought anyways until I started college. One of Leah's friends lived in a house off campus, and last year she threw the wildest party I'd ever seen, at least up until that point. The jokes about trashy costumes were completely true, but something about the debauchery spoke to me. I think that might've been the moment when I officially decided that I was going to stop caring about people watching me, or what they'd think. I was too much of a wimp and too freaked out about classes to dress up last year, but with a little help from Leah, this was the night I was going to embrace the ho within.

The last few weekends spent chained to my desk had taken their toll. I was thinking too much about my life again, and there was no better cure for intrusive thoughts than doing shots with Leah. The crunch plus our conflicting schedules meant that we had barely seen each other that week, and I was in serious need of some girl's bonding time. I guess I could have tried to hang out with other girls in our dorm, but we were still working on the "outgoing" part of the Bella Project.

After my last exam of the week, I was ready to rejoin the world of the living. It was three in the afternoon, and I had just crawled to the finish line of a two hour chemistry test. When I got back to our room, I could have easily pulled the blankets over my head and made up all of my lost sleep in one night, but I was too excited. It was a strange sensation, caring about a party. I was stuck attending a few in high school because Edward wanted to go, but they were too stressful to be fun, and I was afraid that Charlie would show up to raid it. I wondered if he would have been proud or disappointed to bust a middling high school house party, only to find his eighteen-year-old daughter sitting quietly in the corner with a sprite.

I had plenty of time, though. I could fit in a three or four hour nap before dinner, and then I might actually have the energy to enjoy the evening. My backpack hit the floor, then my shoes, and then the rest of my clothes, before I set an alarm and jumped into bed. I don't think I had even finished one sleep cycle when Leah burst in, far too energetic for anyone after the week we'd all had.

"Wake up, bitch! I've got news."

I groaned and propped up on my elbows so my irritation could be on full display.

"Yeah, I already saw the headline. It said, 'Local College Student Murdered By Roommate.' Very sad. They never found all the pieces."

"Love you too."

She hopped onto the end of my bed and pulled me up to sitting. I guess I wasn't getting that nap now.

"So," she started. "You remember that kid I was trying to hook up with when Black showed up the first time?"

"The one who kind of looks like Anthony Michael Hall?"

"Yep. His name is Sean, and he's Black's roommate."

A long groan escaped my mouth as I flopped back down onto my pillows.

"Leah, what did I tell you about unauthorized recon missions?"

"There was no mission here, Swan. This one just fell into my lap."

"So what, now you'll finally know what kind of hair products Jake uses?"

"No, smartass. I bumped into Sean in the dining hall. Apparently I made an impression the other night."

"You usually do," I said. Probably an impression of her teeth on his neck.

"He told me Black's been acting weird since the tiara incident."

"Weird how?"

"I think 'bitchier' was the word he used. Whatever it was you said to him, I think you really shook him up." There was too much schadenfreude in her voice.

Why? I had a hard time believing that I was the first girl to tell him off, and an even harder time believing that something I said would mean anything to him. Everything just seemed to bounce off him.

"That's not even the interesting part, though. Sean told me that Jacob got a full academic scholarship. He's trying to get into the engineering school."

That was the second biggest Jake-related shock this semester. I couldn't believe he did it. I mean, I did believe it. He was doing really well in school when we were still on speaking terms. The surprise was how he was able to swing it given his reputation his senior year. Even though I was still pissed, I still couldn't help but be happy for him. Memories of him sitting at my kitchen table and poking me in the back with a pencil in class flashed in front of my eyes. I wished they wouldn't.

"Hey, I thought the plan was not caring? That was fun, wasn't it?"

"Look, Swan. I'm not out there sleuthing on your behalf. I learned this by accident and I'd rather tell you than keep it from you for no reason.

"You're so thoughtful," I said sourly.

"There's more."

"Oh Jesus, Lee, what did you do?" Talking to her should not be stressful, and right now I was ready to dive back into chemistry.

"Well he asked if I was going to Angie's Halloween party tonight…"

"No…"

"And I didn't want to be rude…"

"Something you're usually  _so_  concerned about." .

"And I might have told him that we were going, and he asked who's 'we,' and I said, 'my roommate Bella' and then he got this weird look on this face, like I told him where to find Jimmy Hoffa or something, and then he said he'd see me there and ran off."

I could have killed her. There was no way that this wasn't going to get back to him. For some bizarre reason, that Judd Nelson-wannabe and his roommate seemed pretty tight. I slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom, leaning against the sink as I stared down the drain.

"Why would you tell him that? Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

"It wasn't on purpose. It just happened. So instead of not telling you and risk you seeing him and freaking out later, I'm letting you freak out now."

"Thanks for throwing me under the bus for the chance of mediocre dick."

She leaned into the doorway and watched me splash water on my face.

"You're making waaay too big a deal out of this. I didn't tell him the passcode to the fucking safe. Maybe if Black will steer clear if he knows you're coming."

"Or maybe he'll see this as a special opportunity to poke a sleeping bear with a stick."

I brushed past her. Now I really wasn't going to be able to take a nap. I wasn't angry with Leah very often, but when I was, it really got to me.

"Only if you let him. I think there's more to this story, Bella. I know you don't care, but as a member of his tribe, it's my prerogative to stick my nose where it doesn't belong," she grinned devilishly.

"Whatever. Stalk him or ignore him or take him shopping. I don't care. Just leave me out of it. I'm going back to sleep."

After struggling for over an hour, the last two weeks finally caught up to me and I passed out. When I woke up, I was greeted by a plate on my bedside with three slices of apology pizza. It was well past eight already, and I knew Leah would be in here any minute to fix my face. I leaned over and dragged my laptop onto the bed beside me to put on something to watch. My usual websites were a wasteland. Looks like more Futurama for me.

When she found me, I was still in my underwear and an over-sized t-shirt. My pizza was reduced to crusts, and my plate was sitting on my boobs as if they were a shelf. I'd gone up a size since high school and they were a pain in the ass, but they did have advantages in times like these.

"She's beauty and she's grace…" she sang.

I shot her a look from my spot on the bed. I was still mad, but at least I didn't have low blood sugar.

"Can I help you?" I grumbled.

"Yeah, you can," she said, snatching the paper plate off my chest and dumping it in the trash. "You can stop acting like the world is ending and go get your ass in the shower. Your B.O. is going to arrive ten minute before you do."

So it begins. She was right, of course. I knew I needed one desperately. I'd been neglecting myself for days, and now it was time to dress up and become a living optical illusion. I shuffled into the bathroom, shut the door, and cranked the water up to scalding. Maybe if I got third degree burns Leah would let me bail on the party early. Probably not.

Steam poured out of the bathroom like a fog as I emerged, still feeling a bit punch drunk from the heat. I started fumbling through my drawers for underwear, only to have Leah slap my hand like a child reaching for the stove.

"Nope. You're wearing cute underwear tonight. None of that faded bikini bullshit you're married to."

She pointed to my bed, where she had laid out my entire outfit. I should have known giving her full control was a bad idea, but I wasn't in any position to deal with it on my own. I found a couple scraps of red lace that I realized on closer inspection were a bra and matching panties. Next to them was a tiny red gingham dress with an underbust corset and a white chemise. A red hooded cloak and white knee socks completed the outfit.

"Oh my god, Leah."

"I know, I outdid myself," she replied, grinning from ear to ear.

"Little Red Riding Hood?"

"Seemed appropriate. I'm going as Alice."

She gestured over her shoulder with her thumb. Leah was clearly on a mission tonight, and I didn't know if I should be excited or scared. At the moment, I was both. There was no compromising with her now. I simply sighed in resignation and pulled on the ridiculous set. She spent the next half hour doing my makeup, and it was probably more than I'd worn since escaping Alice's sticky claws. I'd mistakenly believed that an innocent cutesy character meant she this was going to be toned down. I don't know why I thought that.

Her makeup went on a lot faster, probably because she didn't flinch and nearly get poked in the eye by an eyeliner pen multiple times in a row. She was trying in vain to bring out the curling iron for my hair, which was the one thing I wouldn't budge on. I'd suffered that medieval torture device too many times, sometimes from my mother, whose terrible coordination made her burn my ears on more than one occasion, and from Alice, who wouldn't let me be seen outside of school without my hair done. Living with Leah was sometimes like exposure therapy. We spent the better part of last year warming me up to the idea of makeup again after the Cullens nearly put me off it for good. I put on the dress and the kneesocks and took a cautious look in the full-length mirror.

"Stop worrying, Swan. You look hot."

"I'm not worried," I said, somewhat unconvincingly

"You are. I can always tell because you get the same look on your face that Charlie does whenever you leave the house."

"Thanks a lot." I added the hood, and sat down on the bed to watch Leah finish dressing.

"Remind me again why I'm doing this?"

"Because it's fun, and because you haven't gotten laid in a long time"

That much was true. Whether it was due to school or my lack of initiative as up for debate. Perhaps if I had just tried dating someone...No, we'd been down that path before.

"And," she added pointedly. "Because I think you're secretly hoping he'll be there."

"Now  _that_  is the most insane thing you've ever said."

"Is it, though?"

I knew I never should have told her that much about Jake. She enjoyed meddling in my love life much more than a person should.

"Come on, girl. I know you aren't telling me everything."

"For this exact reason, Yenta. I'm trying really hard not to think about that chapter in my life, and nobody else seems to be on board with that plan."

"That's because it's pretty obvious that whatever it was that happened with you two, you aren't over it."

Maybe I wasn't, but I was trying. I didn't want to miss him. I never thought I'd be at a point where I'd have to miss Jacob. But our friendship was damaged beyond repair, and it didn't make sense for me to obsess over it. My Jacob was long gone and never coming back. Ha. 'My Jacob.' What a joke.

"You wouldn't be freaking out about this all the time if you were over it."

"None of that matters," I said quietly. "It's all in the past now. I can't fix it, and I've already driven myself crazy wondering what would have happened if I had done things differently. I can't stay like that forever. It hurts too much."

I wasn't going to cry. I could feel the lump in my throat and the swelling around my eyes, but I wasn't going to cry. I promised myself over and over that I wouldn't, and it seemed to be yet another promise I couldn't keep. Leah wrapped her arms around my waist to pull me in for a hug.

"I get it, babe. I really do. Just remember how much time I spent on your eye makeup and how pissed I'll be if I have to redo it."

I chuckled. She was right again. I wasn't going to let this mess up my night or my face. But that didn't mean I stopped thinking about it.

The trip to the party was its own adventure. As good of a job as Leah had done, I was pretty apprehensive about appearing in public. After some literal and figurative arm-twisting, I agreed to actually leave our building, on the condition that we joined another flock of costumed girls that I could disappear in. The shoes were another matter altogether. There was no way in hell I was wearing anything but flats, or she would be responsible for carrying me to the ER when I broke my neck. It had been raining for most of the evening, and the roads were slick and shiny as we all tottered towards the driveway. I bet that most of those shoes wouldn't last the night.

My memories of last year's party were not exaggerated. Every wall in the house vibrated with the music, and there was already barely any room to stand. The kitchen was serving as the bar for the evening, and it was putting every other one I'd seen to shame. It might have been low quality stuff, but it looked like Leah's friend had enough alcohol to last through the apocalypse. The two couches in the living room were already occupied by a horizontal couple and a group of girls in trashy princess costumes who were shrieking with laugher at something Belle said. Aurora was already passed out.

"Fucking drunk-ass white girls," Leah snarked as we passed.

We settled around the kitchen island, which was covered in plastic cups, liquor bottles, and half-emptied soda bottles. Among them were tiny plastic ramekins filled with candy-colored goo.

"Shit, that's right," Leah said as she whizzed past me to the fridge.

"I almost forgot. She told me they were making jello shots and she would save us some."

She thrust two tiny cups in my hand, both a sickly green color and smelling like rubbing alcohol. I brought one to my mouth, only to wince as the smell burned my nose.

"Wow, she isn't messing around, is she?"

She smiled and raised her shot to mine.

"Bottoms up."

I slurped it into my mouth as best I could, but the cup wasn't the only resistance I was met with. It tasted just as strong as it looked, and I would have to be pretty drunk not to feel that kind of burn anymore. The worst part of the entire equation was the flavor.

"Ugh, who the hell likes lime?" I sputtered.

"Nobody, but we aren't here for the taste, are we? Now take the second one before I take it for you."

She had already picked up the second and quickly sucked it out. This one wasn't as bad, but I was ready for something more substantial. I bent over the counter, reaching for an unattended bottle of coconut rum, and I felt a rush of air under my skirt. I'd forgotten how short it was. That could work to my advantage if the evening goes well. I took a large swig from the bottle.

"Easy there, Swan," she said, oddly surprised. "At least wait until the jello kicks in. At this rate you're going to tap out before midnight."

The jello had already started to kick in.

"It's Malibu! Well, knock-off Malibu," I said, examining the label more closely. "This was the first thing I ever got drunk from, remember?"

"I do. I don't think the grass ever grew back."

I stuck out my tongue at her.

"Fake Malibu is practically my elixir of life. It's never led me astray. In fact, I'm already feeling lucky."

Leah sighed and shook her head at me the way she always did when she had given up. She poured herself some vodka and mystery soda in a cup.

"Just don't wander off too far, alright? I don't want to find you face down in the bushes because you didn't know when to let up."

"Sure, sure," I replied, waving dismissively. I wanted to be with Leah anyways.

Dancing was so much easier now. To be fair, I could hide in an enormous cluster of similarly dressed girls and keep the attention off of myself so I could just focus on having a good time. The problem of course was that I was still carrying the bottle with me everywhere I went. I probably looked more like a pirate than a sexy...child? Yikes. But I could feel the booze pumping through my body, loosening every muscle from the tense state that had been stuck in for weeks.

As usual, it wasn't long before Leah had a suitor. She knew exactly how to reel people in, even though she never really needed to. She was definitely beautiful, but she had this aura about her that pulled you in like a tractor beam. It felt like a great talent to have, but I knew I would never have enough confidence to deal with the resulting onslaught. One at a time was the best I could do. After an hour, I could feel myself becoming somewhat disheveled. My socks kept migrating down my thighs, making me yank them up constantly, and I could feel my nipple trying to escape my bra with every bounce. The longer I danced, the more I sipped from the bottle, and I could feel my brain starting to dissolve; the perfect remedy for overthinking things.

I looked away for what felt like a second, only to find Leah gone. She'd probably made a friend and wandered off to eat their face. In as much time, I felt a pair of hands on my waist from behind. A tall guy with cropped black hair was smiling down at me, rocking his hips along with mine. Even better. From what I could gather, he was cute. He was lean but very muscular, like a dancer, and he had this bright white smile...

No. Not looking at him anymore. I put my hands over his to guide him, grinding against what was probably his thighs, given the height difference. I could feel the hem of my dress creeping up from the movement, but I was past caring. This was what I came for, right?

"Hey, Riding Hood," he whispered in my ear. "I'm Justin."

I leaned back, turning my head so that my voice could reach his ear, feeling it press into his chest.

"Bella," I replied.

I wasn't going to remember that in a little while. I took another look through the crowd for Leah to make sure she was doing alright. There was no sign of her, just a million vampires and sexy nurses and rubber horse masks. Not that my eyes could focus well enough on anything anymore. They were probably rolling around in their sockets like ping pong balls. It was a good thing I had this guy to prop me up, because I was having more difficulty with my balance than usual. My eyes came to rest on a familiar shape, but it wasn't Leah.

Motherfucker. If I could get through one party without seeing him, I would be truly blessed. He was chugging the rest of his cup while his dorky roommate looked on with rapt attention and admiration. Sean looked pretty out of it too, but I was in no position to judge. I didn't wait to find out if he saw me. I immediately twirled around to face my dance partner and draped my arms around his neck. You can't worry about someone looking at you if they can't see your face. I grabbed the sides of Justin's face and pulled him in for a kiss. Then another. And another. Before I knew it, I was making out with this guy in the middle of a crowd of people. I didn't care.

The time dilation was messing with my head. I wasn't sure if I had been with him for ten minutes or thirty, but I was enjoying being distracted. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder from Leah, who seemed very amused by my display.

"I need my girl back for a minute, bro," she shouted over the music.

She didn't wait for him to answer before pulling me by the elbow back to the kitchen. It was much quieter, and I'd forgotten what it was like to not have my eardrums pulsing constantly.

"Lee," I whined. "I was having a good time."

"I can tell. Good job, Swan. It looks like my plan worked."

"What plan?"

I leaned on the counter for support. I could feel myself wobbling, and I imagined how many times I would have broken my ankles by now if I hadn't worn flats.

"Black looks pissed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Fun fact: I was going through some things when I first started writing this, which made me delve back into an old favorite band of mine and would later serve as a little inspiration for the story. Because I'm absolute trash, these chapter titles came from their songs, and I originally posted them with relevant lyrics from their namesake. I've ditched the lyrics, but I'm keeping the titles as a monument to my hubris. If you guess the band's name correctly in the comments, you get a cookie and an internet hug.


	5. All I Got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when you pour alcohol on lingering embers.

"Black is pissed," she whispered, sniggering like a a middle schooler. "I was watching him the whole time. He was watching you make out with that guy and he just got up and left."

"What'd you do?"

"Nothing! I was planning on dressing you up anyways, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to fuck with him a little, so I decided to play up your assets. And maybe nudge you into his line of vision."

"What the fuck, Leah?" I slurred.

"It was funny!" she replied defensively. "And I wasn't expecting you to start dry humping some guy right in front of him. I thought the outfit alone would be enough. I didn't know he'd up and leave. You must have really got to him."

"Why should I care? I can make out with whoever I want. I don't care who he's with, either. I bet he's got ten million different girls programmed in his phone for booty calls."

She just stood there, looking back at me with a penetrating gaze.

"Not this again. Lee, I don't care what he does. He's not my concern," I shrugged.

I wasn't in the mood for this, not that I ever was. It was time to get re-distracted. I reached for a near-empty bottle of tequila and took a huge gulp. Leah didn't intervene. She observed me carefully, as if she were waiting for me to reach the cutoff point.

"He doesn't have to follow me or stare at me or stay stupid crap or anything else." I took another sip. "It's not my job to care about what he's doing. He made that pretty clear." I took another as I failed utterly at sounding nonchalant about it all. "He's a big boy."

"Girl you are going to hate yourself tomorrow."

"Too late. I already do," I laughed. I took another sip.

Leah just rolled her eyes and turned away, surveying the rest of the house for anyone we knew. I could feel myself descending into a giggling fit. Here it was: the downward spiral. I just hoped it wouldn't devolve into the ugly-crying like spring break last year. I told her that a Titanic drinking game was a stupid idea, and not just because it's a three hour movie. It was only a matter of time before I would start blacking out, stripping off various articles of clothing and begging Leah to take me to Taco Bell. Charlie was probably traumatized, but at least I knew I was predictable.

"Leee," I whined, reaching for her hand but grabbing her wrist and tugging it back. "I want a smoke."

"Only if you leave the bottle here."

"Fine," I pouted, dumping it sideways on the counter.

I trotted out the door, dragging Leah behind me. There was a small porch on the front where people were sitting on a handful of molded plastic chairs. With no real seating left, I plopped down onto the front steps while Leah lit a cigarette for me. She handed it over, sitting down beside me and taking a huge drag that she let out with a sigh. I needed to cut back, but I loved a smoke when I'd been drinking, and sober me was not strong enough to contend with drunk me. The apron on her costume was stained with beer and some mystery blue substance, and I briefly wondered where she'd gone when I was dancing. She tucked the cigarette into her mouth and began prying off her shoes, which had no doubt given her blisters. I leaned my head on her shoulder as I puffed away, looking up at the moon shining through cracks in the rain clouds. It was a welcome moment of tranquility after a couple hours of loud music and louder people.

"Lee, what time is it?" She checked her phone.

"It's almost one-thirty. Why, do you want to go back?"

"Nooo. I'm having too much fun. Hey, do you think Justin is still there?" I asked, accidentally exhaling smoke in her face.

"I think you're a too far gone for Justin, babe," she said, waving it away from her. "Finish your smoke and then we can dance again or something."

"Ugh. Fine, Mom."

It had been a while, and I was disappointed that I had cockblocked myself like this. I wasn't really into him, or anyone for that matter. One or two inconsequential crushes came and went like the tides, and I never felt that kind of connection to someone since I'd left for school. At least Leah had the good sense to keep me off of him now. People were beginning to trickle out, laughing and stumbling as they passed me and headed down the street. The roar of traffic scored their chattering as I watched them. I was nearly down to the filter when I heard the footfalls become much heavier than everyone else's. Leah looked over her shoulder and snorted, pressing her lips together.

Jacob and his friends passed us by and were now standing in front of the steps, checking their phones. Leah apparently couldn't contain her laughter anymore, and started loudly snickering. I still didn't understand what part of this she found so funny, but maybe she was more far gone than I thought. So what if he looked annoyed? I was pretty sure that's just how his face looked now. Thanks to her outburst, now they were looking right at us, and there was absolutely nothing and no one who would be able to rein me in now.

"Jakey!" I yelled in cheerful surprise, my arms outstretched as if for a hug. I needed to remember to keep my knees shut in this outfit.

I'd interrupted him trying to tie his long hair up in a bun to keep it out of the way. His dark gray shirt was clinging to his muscular frame and a tiny sliver of his lower abs was peeking out from under the hem. He was so pretty, wasn't he? What happened in the last two years that made him bulk up into this manimal? He used to smile a lot. I wished he would smile again. He would be so cute if all his smiles weren't sarcastic. He was so cute back then. He still was. Why was he here again? Why was I here?

"Wow, dude," his roommate said quietly, his eyes wide as saucers.

"She is-"

"-gone, yes. Move along," Leah said in a low, almost defensive voice, waving them off.

"Nooo, Leah, it's fine. I'm fine. I've just been playing the Jacob drinking game." I felt myself listing to one side like a boat.

"It's fun. I take a drink every time he says something mean and every time he glares at me." I studied his face.

"Ooh! Look, Leah! There it is!" I pointed. "I need another shot. Will you go get me more Malibu?"

Leah snorted again. I began giggling like a lunatic while everyone stared at me. Sean clearly had no idea how to react to any of this. Leah was looking more and more bemused with every stupid thing that tumbled out of my mouth and Jacob was as impenetrable as ever. I was beyond caring or even knowing what I was saying anymore. All of the thoughts and emotions I normally avoided had turned into a slurry that was coming out like word-vomit.

"But you know, Jake," I began. I uncrossed and re-crossed my legs while I held the smoldering butt of my cigarette in the air like Cruella de Vil.

"It's fine. No, really, it's fine. Everything went tits up, but at least you got to be right," I said sharply. "And isn't that what really matters in the end?"

The embers in his eyes had been re-lit, and I was surprised he didn't fire back. I was turning into a mean drunk. Was this new, or was I always like this, somewhere deep down? Either way, we were tied now. An ambush for an ambush.

But he wasn't looking at me anymore. He was focused on my hand for some reason. No, not my hand; My wrist. Leah must have caught him because in seconds her eyes had followed his to the jagged pink scar that was normally hidden by long sleeves or my charm bracelet. After that night, I promised myself he would never see it, especially not like this, but it looked like the cat was out of the bag now.

"Oh, this old thing?" I chuckled, waggling my wrist around like some kind of twisted pageant wave. "The only present I got to keep."

I was still laughing over the tense silence that followed my admission. I could see Leah's amusement was gone, and Jacob looked like he'd seen a ghost. I guess he had, in a way. I'd never seen an expression like that on his face before, and I instantly regretted causing it. A small stab of guilt pierced my heart like a splinter, and that's when I could feel the laughing turn into crying. Leah hugged me around the shoulders.

"Hey, come on, Bella," she said softly. "It's okay. Let's just go home."

"No, Lee. Malibu..."

She stood and tried to hoist me to my feet, which was much harder than it should have been. The world through my eyes had already been swaying for a while, and now the tears were making it blurry too. I felt like I was going blind. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. She put her arm around my waist to stabilize me and picked up her shoes for the journey back to our room. That's when I started to feel my legs give out under me, and I fell over, nearly taking Leah down with me.

"I'm sorry!" I sniffed, pawing at her leg as if I could keep her from falling. "I'm sorry, Lee! You okay? I'm sorry."

I had fallen on my side, and I carefully began rising to my feet. Looks like it was time to pay the piper. Now I was little more than a wet noodle. She pulled me back up to try again, but I could feel my stomach starting to turn. Without thinking, I'd neglected to eat a proper dinner. A little bit of pizza was not enough to save me from falling asleep spooning the toilet, and I wondered if I would even make it that far. I figured out pretty quickly that I wouldn't.

I ducked out of Leah's grip and began emptying my stomach into the landscaping. Sorry, guys. I guess that's another plant dead at my hands. She leapt after me to hold my hair out of the way. There was a lot more in me than I remembered, and I was receiving a painful reminder that coconut rum goes down well but feels like lava if you're unlucky enough to have to revisit it.

"Lee, you're the bestest person on the planet, you know that?" I croaked over my tears after the last heave.

I coughed and tried to steady myself enough to start walking again, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. The storm had a second wind, and the streets were once again slick and filled with puddles. Leah grabbed me again by the hand and I began hobbling along beside her. I felt guilty that she was going to ruin those kneesocks on my account. I was feeling guilty about a lot of things. This wasn't what I wanted. Nothing about this evening was what I wanted. I wracked my brain for the reason why I let Leah dress me up like a cam girl and drag me out here in the first place. It was possible that she had been right about my intentions after all. I felt sick again.

"Why is this happening, Lee?

"Shhh, it's okay, babe," she said in my ear. "You just had too much. We're gonna go home."

A deep voice called out from behind us, but it sounded different; gentle, but pained. It felt soothing until I remembered why that was.

"Clearwater...Can she walk okay?...I-"

"-I've got her," she answered as she continued pushing us forward. "I'm taking her home."

I didn't remember the walk home. I didn't remember how I got into my bed either. Nevertheless, that's where I found myself when I woke the next morning. My head felt like it was filled with marbles, rolling around and crashing against the inside of my skull whenever I dared to move it. The sun was shining through the crack in the curtains and directly into my eyes, making me hiss and hide under the covers like a vampire out of its coffin. I wasn't in my costume anymore, but instead one of the giant faded t-shirts. I was alone in our room, but I was glad to have a little privacy while I quietly prayed for death under the sheets.

I was still nauseous as hell. I knew I had puked the night before from the stench of my breath and the sensitivity of my teeth. There was a fifty-fifty chance that I was going to have a repeat of last night, and it really needed to not be in my bed. I wrenched the covers off to find an old box sitting on the floor beside me. Leah always thought of everything. How was it possible that she was becoming a better parental figure than my actual mother? I loved Renee to death, but she had the attention span of a gnat, which was yet another reason why she could never seem to hold down a job for very long. My dearest friend returned to our room with a stack of bagels and the largest coffee I'd ever seen, like an angel from heaven.

"Morning, Swan. I know you're feeling like shit, but it's three already and you need to put something in your stomach."

I grunted in acknowledgement, my eyes half-open as I groped for a bagel and shoved it in my mouth. The idea of food was nauseating to me right now, but she was right. I wasn't going to feel any better until I ate.

"And take a shower. I'm going to have to tent the room if you don't."

Reluctantly, I sat up, massaging my head as I reached for caffeine. I wasn't going to be a functioning human today, but at least I would be able to leave the bed.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Spectacular. Really. I was about to go run a marathon."

"Hey, I know you're hungover, but you don't get to be a bitch, not to me anyway."

"Yeah," I said closing my eyes and retreating back to the comfort of my pillow. "You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you for saving my ass yet again."

"You're welcome. Now back to my question." I shook my head.

"I'm doing. My memory is kind of spotty. I remember stealing rum from the kitchen…"

"Wow, that was pretty early in the game. You must have actually killed off some brain cells."

"What happened after?" I sighed. Based on how I felt, I was sure I'd done something I would regret. That seemed to be the pattern these days, sober or otherwise.

"You were drinking like a monster, babe. I was actually pretty impressed," she laughed. "After that, we danced a lot, you drank more, I went to go pee, you drank even more, and then I got someone to swipe your bottle when you weren't paying attention."

"I appreciate that."

"You were grinding on a lacrosse bro at one point and you two were making out, but you started falling over yourself so I figured it was time to intervene, which is a shame because he was pretty hot."

That sounded very familiar. He was good-looking. He was probably dumb as a sack of hammers, but it's not like I needed to know his thoughts on the Middle East peace process or anything. Truthfully, I couldn't remember much other than how sweaty he was. That probably explained a lot about the smell. It reminded me of Mike Newton; you could always tell how drunk he was by how transparent his shirt was. There was a loud repetitive knocking at the door, and I almost vomited from the echoes in my head.

"Leah, why is the fucking Blue Man Group in our dorm?" I cried, pulling the pillow over my head. "Make it go away."

"Calm your tits, Swan. I'll deal with it."

She opened the door, and I heard a familiar voice muffled by my pillow. I could just barely hear them.

"Sean?" Leah said.

"Hey, Leah. How're you doing?" he sounded off, nervous almost, like he was afraid she would bite him.

"I'm fine. Bella on the other hand-."

"-Yeah...that's actually why I'm here. I know things got a little...you know...last night. We just wanted to make sure you guys got home alright."

"We?"

"I. I wanted to make sure," he corrected.

"We're fine, Sean. Well, I am. Bella still feels like shit."

"I'm sorry. Do you guys need anything or…?"

"Nah, I've got it under control here, but thanks," she said somewhat curtly. "Sean, you're a good guy. Don't let him make you run his errands. If he has something to say, he knows where to find her."

He laughed sheepishly.

"Yeah, he's not really up for leaving the room."

"Tell him he can join the club."

"Sure. Well uh...later, Leah."

The door closed, and I heard Leah scoff before walking over to my bed. I removed the pillow from my ears.

"D'you hear that?" she asked in a skeptical tone.

"Sort of."

"You don't remember anything else from last night, do you?"

I paused, searching my abused brain for anything else that I might have said or done, but the headache was making it impossible. I reached into my nightstand for the bottle of aspirin and downed two before collapsing on the bed, bringing my coffee and my blankets with me. I went down the list. What are the most common ways I embarrass myself? Singing, crying, falling down, puking...

"Did I puke on one of them?"

"Figuratively," she replied, still being weirdly cryptic.

"Leah?"

"You kind of went off on Black before we left. And you...showed him your wrist. Actually, you kind of showed everyone, and then you were pretty much incoherent after that."

I groaned loudly, pulling the sheets over my head once again. Now I'd really done it. It was time to hide in my room forever. Maybe I could just do the online classes the school offered until I graduated and then I wouldn't have to see anyone again. I'd order takeout every night and buy everything else online. My plan was flawless.

"Why? Why, of all the things that I could have done during a blackout, did I decide to go after Jacob Black?"

Now I was the asshole, though truth be told, I was probably always the asshole. Our previous encounter still bothered me, but this wasn't even remotely comparable. He didn't deserve to have to deal with that. He didn't deserve a lot of things.

"Well, you saw him while you were all up in that lax bro. Must be because you won't stop freaking out about him."

"Or because you made a big deal about telling me he'd been watching me," I said sourly.

"So you do remember," she smirked. "He looked so jealous though, Bella. It was amazing. You should have seen his face." Leah's tact and timing left a lot to be desired.

"He doesn't get to be jealous. Not now, anyways. It's not like we were ever…Ugh," I groaned.

"Ha! I knew it!" She jumped on my bed and yanked the blankets down. "You like him!"

"No!" I barked at her accusation. "...Okay, maybe. Past tense. That was a long time ago."

She looked both smug and fascinated by the news. I had hoped this was a secret I could take to my grave, but it looked like she was determined to get every sordid detail of my life on-record. At least I knew I'd have a reliable biographer when the time came.

"So was this before or after you started dating Edward?"

Which was it? I'd never thought about that before. There was never a clear start or end to my feelings for Jacob. They just sort of 'were,' like gravity. Was it that day at the beach, or the night that thunderstorm left me stranded in the garage? Was it our first day of class together? I was a frog in a pot. He already had me by the time I figured it out.

"Kind of both?"

"Oh my god," she exploded, falling backwards on the foot of my bed. "I knew there was something juicy buried in there, but I didn't know it would be this good."

"Laugh it up, bitch," I grumbled, rolling over. "I was a big chicken back then."

"You're still a big chicken," she said, wiping her eyes. "Until booze takes the wheel. God, I fucking knew it."

"Yeah, yeah, you know everything. Well none of it matters now. I blew it a long time ago. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to be dead tomorrow, so I have that to look forward to."

"Bella…" she began, her grin slowly fading into concern.

"What?" I huffed. I'd really had enough of this conversation already.

"What's the deal with...that?" She tipped her head downwards toward my arm.

Wow, we were just going to air everything out today. I supposed this was part of my penance after flying off the handle and making her take care of me last night. She was my friend, after all. There was no reason to hide it other my hope that not talking about it would make it magically go away. I took a deep breath and let it out heavily.

"Edward and I had one last fight before I left him," I started.

There wasn't a short answer to any of this. I decided to cut myself off before I delved any deeper into this than I was capable of going today. I took a deep breath.

"That's why I didn't want to go to the pool with you that first week we were here. I was supposed to stay out of baths and pools for a while after."

"I wish you'd told me sooner. I wouldn't have made all those cracks about how white you are."

"It's fine. I felt so stupid for getting into that mess. I put up with him for so long when I wasn't even really in love with him. I thought I was, but it was all just empty gestures. I let him break Jake and I apart. Jake is like that because I wouldn't pull my head out of my ass."

My voice was wavering, I rolled over to the other side, clutching my pillow for comfort. I never wanted to think that hard about it, but it was true. I abandoned Jake and my real self because I was a stupid girl who thought that writing me songs and taking me to expensive restaurants meant I was special. I was never special to him. I was just a tool to boost his social status and help push his family's agenda. How could I have not seen it?

"You aren't stupid, babe. Cullen is a manipulative little weasel and I'll punch him if I ever see him again. It could have happened to anyone."

"Maybe," I whispered, a single tear rolling off my nose. "I want old Jake back, Leah," I choked. "I miss him so much, but I don't think he's coming back. He's still so mad at me, and I don't think I can blame him."

She laid down on the bed next to me, hugging me from behind while I cried for the second time in a twenty-four-hour period. I was pathetic. This was not in accordance with the New Bella plan. Over a year of progress was being undone in less of semester.

"I know, babe. Maybe it's not too late. There might still be time to fix things."

"I don't know how. I don't think he's ever going to forgive me for leaving the way I did. He has every right to be angry about that," I sniffed. "I just wish that he wasn't being such a dick about everything else."

"I don't think he saw what was really going on with the Cullens."

"That would make sense, I guess," I said, wiping my nose on the corner of the sheet. "I just thought that Billy or Charlie would have told him what happened."

"Seth told me he was staying out a lot back then. He said Billy and Jake don't really talk much."

"Yeah," I breathed. "I remember that."

"Just give it time, babe," she said, petting my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Looks like the wolf's out of the bag now. If only she knew what was going through Jake's head...


	6. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looks like she's not the only one obsessing.

I was more than ready to get out of Forks. There was no better motivation to go to summer school than the prospect of getting the hell out of dodge on time. I was sick of Billy being on my case all the time, sick of being in this bumfuck town, sick of having the judgmental old kooks on the tribal council looking at me like I was going to corrupt their kids. If their kids were partying, it wasn't my fault. It was just another symptom of being stuck on the reservation. But there were only so many girls and bonfire parties you could go through before it all starts to blend together. More than anything though, it was the stink of Cullen and his family that permeated every square inch of the peninsula.

How could anyone defend them? I can't be the only person who saw their facade. Cullen walked around like he owned the place, and he kind of did. The family couldn't hack it in Seattle, so these big fish moved to a tiny pond so they could buy up land and turn it into Cullenville. His siblings were all bad in their own way, but at least the older one already shipped off to some ivy league school on the East coast. Cullen demanded everyone's attention and admiration because he was a rich prettyboy, but anyone with half a brain could see that there was something cold and dead behind his eyes. I thought Bella did, but then she started spending every waking second with those leeches. That's what they are: they attached themselves to Forks and began to slowly suck the blood out of it. No wonder everything went to shit.

I never thought she could be so shallow, so completely superficial that she would just fall in his arms the second he waved a c-note under her nose, but I guess I was wrong. She was always so down-to-earth. She loved old things and shabby things and broken things because they meant something to her. She stopped driving her truck and started riding in his Lexus. Her jeans turned into designer dresses. Bella, who hated being fussed over so much that she avoided getting her hair cut, was getting French manicures. She used to laugh and smile and tease, and then she was all-business. I don't think I saw a real smile on her after they started dating. Her entire life suddenly revolved around the Cullens, and she wouldn't be seen dead with her peasant friends. Who the hell was that? Was my best friend switched out with some Stepford clone?

So when my acceptance letter came in, I decided to party like it was the end of the world. There wasn't a drink left in a ten mile radius. I finally punched Rachel's boyfriend in his stupid fucking face. I let myself get completely wasted on liquor and adrenaline, but it wasn't enough. None of it was enough. Nobody gave a shit anymore; they all just accepted that I was a hopeless case, some kind of wild dog that would give them rabies if they got too close.

Things had never been good between me and my dad. Mom was the only thing that really held the family together. She was the one person that everyone loved, which made her the sole mediator when any of us would knock heads, which happened almost constantly. She knew how to calm all of us down, but she didn't take anyone's shit, either. She was probably the only person who ever really understood me when I was growing up, but after she died, we could barely function around each other.

Billy and I always had trouble talking to each other, and soon after our communications revolved entirely around where I was going and what I was doing. My sisters left the second they could, and I was completely on board with that, though Rachel was still acting like she was going to move home again after graduation. Billy seemed to think that interrogating me regularly was a substitute for being involved, and telling him the truth never got me anywhere. So after freshman year, I had the option of being stuck in that gloomy house with a man who was constantly on my case, or I could just fuck off to the woods or the garage or crash at other people's houses. I started trying to spend more time on school in the hopes that I could get into college somewhere far away. That summer, I decided to transfer out of the tribal school and force my way into whatever AP classes I could.

Psych soon became my favorite class, but not because I liked it or even because I was good at it. I looked forward to it every day because that's when I would get to hang out with Bella. Well, as much as you can during class. She was a transfer too, and she looked just as out of place at Forks High as I did. It was funny to watch her trip over everything, and I let her know that, but she just as quickly shot back with jokes about my long hair or how I never dressed weather appropriate. Once she got over being shy, she was actually a bit of a pistol, and I liked that. A lot.

I felt comfortable around her from the start. She was a good listener, and she was the least judgmental person I ever met, even if that made her a naive. It wasn't long before we started seeing each other most days of the week, usually to do homework or to hang out at her house or the beach. Billy liked her too, and I could feel him easing up on me already. He and Charlie were two peas in a pod, and I think she knew exactly how to handle them both. We could talk about anything, and I never felt like I had to be anyone else when I was with her. This was the only Jacob she'd ever known. I hoped it would stay that way.

Once she was gone, everything started falling apart. Dad and I were fighting again, I was coming home in the wee hours of the morning, and my grades were slipping. I forgot why I was working my ass off in the first place. She used to be one of my biggest sources of motivation, but now it was just the desire to leave. The guys from the reservation had only gotten douchier with time, but as much as their phony machismo annoyed me, they knew how to have a good time. It all felt so hollow. Nobody gave a shit about me, and I didn't give a shit about them.

Sometimes, when I was too hammered to care, I thought about Old Bella. I thought about how she would react when I told her I miraculously got a scholarship. She'd tell me 'Oh my god, Jake! That's amazing! See, I knew you'd get it.' And then she would jump into my arms and try to squeeze me to death with her tiny noodle body. I thought about telling her I finished my rabbit, and she'd tease me and say 'Took you long enough! I want to be there for its maiden voyage.' And then I'd drive us to the beach and sit on that driftwood log and listen to her talk about her day. I thought about telling her about my mom, something I hadn't been ready to talk about since the accident, and she'd wrap her arms around my waist and say 'I'm so sorry, Jake. I'm glad you told me. Do you think you could tell me more about her sometime?' and I'd try to swallow the rest of my tears and say 'Sure.'

But my Bella was gone, if she ever existed at all. I guess she was never  _my_  Bella. I never manned up enough to tell her how I felt, and then Cullen swooped in, and she left me behind to be prom queen. She would follow them all to Vassar or Columbia or Dartmouth and marry Prince Charming after he became a lawyer and got a corner office at his uncle's firm. She'd spend her days shopping and planning dinner parties and drinking champagne on their boat and getting those stupid fucking manicures, and I would never see her again.

But this was a new place and a new me. I wasn't going to think about her or Cullen or Forks. My new motto was "Work Hard, Play Hard." Not very original, but exactly what I needed. You can't stay stuck in the past if you stay occupied with classes and partying. The girls here were bound to be much better than any of the girls back home, too, and now no one had to sneak around. But it wasn't doing it for me. None of it was. I started getting bored with it all over again just a few weeks into my first semester. It was exactly what I'd been hoping for: more girls, more booze, more weed, less supervision. There wasn't time to think about it if I was knee-deep in calculus or sorority chicks, but it turns out that there was. And after that night, deep down, I knew it was hopeless.

The basement was packed with people, many of whom were staring as I made out with some random girl against the wall. Like I gave a shit. And then, there was suddenly two more eyes on me, and they belonged to the only stationary thing in the room. I gave in and looked up, only to find a familiar pair of huge brown eyes looking into mine, like a deer in the headlights. Her hair was up in a ponytail, just like when she used to help me in the garage. She was still just as tiny and pale as ever, and she was wearing jeans with those ratty old converse. In the second it took me to register what I was seeing, she bolted.

Fate was a cruel bitch. Of all the gin joints in all the world, she just  _had_  to walk into mine. Cullen had to be somewhere around here. My heart restarted, and a wave of emotions hit me like a bus: Anger. Grief. Heartache. Nostalgia. More anger. Hope. No, not hope. Even more anger. Well, if there was ever a night to get absolutely trashed, that would have been it. It was time for shots. Down the hatch. One. Two. Three. Four. I couldn't feel my throat. It was a good start. If I was lucky, soon I wouldn't feel anything at all.

That was all it took to break the dam. I couldn't look at her, but I couldn't leave her alone. I should have. I should have just taken that girl back to my dorm and called it a night. I should have kept pounding shots until I passed out on the floor. I should have just stayed away from her when I saw her walk into the library. All of it was a mistake, but after two years of being apart, I couldn't not see her. I had to be sure she was real, not just some fantasy I cooked up out of loneliness or grief. If she was, then she was a good one. Nobody else could ever do that for me.

She was real enough, and she was almost as angry as I was, though I don't know how. What the hell would she have to be mad about? Maybe she was just sore that Cullen dumped her. I still couldn't believe that he would. How could anyone ever leave Bella Swan? No one would need further proof of that after taking one look at this fucking sucker. There was nothing I wanted more than to give myself amnesia, to leave the past and move on with my life, but it turns out there was one thing I wanted more than that, and it really pissed me off.

I couldn't stand it, this back and forth game playing in my head. It was somehow more exhausting than all my efforts to ignore her after she started dating that stuck up little asswipe. It was like trying to keep magnets apart. I knew I had two choices in front of me: ignore her and spend the rest of college alternating between working my ass off and pretending to have a life, or come crawling back to the selfish princess that already bailed on me once and who didn't want to see me in the first place. They were both more masochistic than I thought was possible. I tried to choose the former.

And then she walked in. She was dressed up in some stupid costume like every other girl there, all Leah's doing no doubt. More makeup than I'd ever seen her wear, but she couldn't hide behind any of it. Despite the fact that it was about fifty degrees and raining, she was wearing a tiny short-sleeved dress, nothing substantive enough to keep that girl warm. She felt like ice all the time anyways, even when she was with me. It had its perks, though: it was an excuse to have my arm around her shoulders.

What I didn't expect was the purely visceral reaction it caused. That hemline was crippling; I hadn't seen that much of her legs in forever. They were just as milky white as the rest of her, and they seemed to go on forever until they disappeared under a criminally short skirt. None of that was her, but that annoying voice in the back of my head wanted to see what the rest of her looked like. I watched her carry that bottle around with her like a blankie, getting progressively more and more wasted until she needed some jock to hold her up. The guy was a creep; that much was obvious. Like the idiot that I was, I kept an eye on her, hoping that Leah would show up so I didn't have to watch her grind against this guy, but punctuality was never anything that bitch was known for.

And then, like some punishment out of Greek mythology, she started kissing him. There was something stilted and cold about the way Cullen kissed her that always creeped me out. It looked almost fake, though that didn't mean I didn't want to put my fist through a wall. I was dumber back then, just a fool with a crush that somehow thought that he was going to be able to compete with Prince Charming. The way she was kissing this asshole was different, like she actually wanted him, or at least something of his.

The old me would have sat there imagining her pressed against me like that, clawing at my waist and threading her hands through my hair. I would have thought about the way she used to smell before the Cullens started covering her with that shitty perfume they all wore, a mix of her shampoo, her clothes, and the soft scent that radiated off of her skin that I only got a taste of when she would hug me goodbye. I would have thought about  _my_ hand holding her leg against my hip, her hands skating down  _my_ chest, the taste of her lips and the soft flesh of her neck. I would have thought about her chest pressed against mine, one hand slowly climbing up her thigh while the other rested on the small of her back. I would have started to overheat. Good thing I wasn't thinking about it. New me was going to cool off with a few more beers once Leah decided to show her face again.

I really underestimated her capacity. I had somehow forgotten that while I might have drank like a fish during senior year, she had been going to college parties for over a year now and had clearly learned a thing or two. There was something a little wilder about her now, something that came out of her once she stopped being so self-conscious, but it was more unhinged than before, and I didn't know how to feel about it. It didn't look like she was actually enjoying it. I knew what drinking your problems away looked like all too well, and I knew that she was too experienced at this point to be getting that drunk that fast. She wasn't the only one hiding from something; I just wasn't sure what. I was finally relieved of my duties in time to not have to explain to Sean why I'd been sitting there so long. The kid was too nosy, and even I didn't know why I did it.

I'd had it. The whole ordeal put me in a bad mood, and there wasn't going to be any redeeming this party for me. I could just drink more, but that was my solution to everything, and it was starting to lose its effectiveness. The music was getting louder, the sounds of laughter more shrill, and there was suddenly less oxygen in the room. Everything was just so irritating, and I couldn't stand to be stuck in there any longer. It was time to go have a smoke and clear my head.

I have the shittiest luck. I couldn't even take a minute to destroy my lungs alongside my liver, because there she was. Her voice calling out my name sent chills down my spine and I silently command my feet to just keep moving, to not get involved with whatever it was that had lead her to this point that night. All I could do was stand there while Leah's eyes bored holes into me, listening to Bella rattle off her list of complaints until-

-What. My brain had completely shut down as I gazed at the line running diagonally across the underside of her wrist. In the dim light, it looked almost like she had been bitten by a wild animal. She was laughing, well, half-laughing anyways. I'd never seen her like this before, so strung out and desperate. I didn't think it was only because she was drunk; it just let her say what she was thinking, and in a way, I'd missed that. She used to be such an open book. We used to understand each other so well, but now I was struggling to comprehend how I could have missed this, even when we were apart.

There was that tsunami again. I was annoyed that she chose now to start busting my balls. For a second I thought she might have put on that show earlier on purpose, and that stung like an entire hive of hornets. As for the exact cause of her souvenir, I could hazard a guess, and it filled me with white-hot rage. Why did no one tell me? How could I get through an entire year without someone letting me know that something had happened to Bella? Some fine fucking friends I had. It was too bad Cullen left Forks. I'd never been so ready to break someone's face.

Then came the guilt. I'd been so busy obsessing over Cullen and what his family turned her into that I hadn't given any real thought to how she got there. Sure, she was mad at me for teasing her about Cullen, but he just dumped her, right? We all knew he would eventually because he was a piece of shit who didn't realize how good he had it. But now I understood that there was something else that I wasn't seeing, something that she had kept from everyone, from me, for a long time, and I couldn't handle it. Was that why she called me out of the blue? Billy told me to call her back, but I was beyond caring about anything he had to say. Whatever it was, I'd been throwing it back in her face in some fucked up attempt to make her see how much it hurt when she left, but now I knew I wasn't the only one who had suffered.

I saw her reduced to a puddle in the grass, sobbing and hiccuping as Leah tried to collect all the pieces and haul her back to safety. Did she know? Did Bella tell her what happened? Did they think that I knew and did all this just to spite her? I couldn't breathe anymore. All I wanted was to scoop her up and hold her to my chest while she cried, but I couldn't. Leah probably would have told me to fuck off. I was just at a loss.

"Clearwater...Can she walk okay?...I-"

"-I've got her," she answered. "I'm taking her home."

I don't think I ever made it back to my dorm as quickly as I did that night. Sean kept yelling for me to wait up, but my legs were longer, and I could just ignore him. It was better that I would beat him back anyways. I didn't need to hear him yapping or asking me questions, and I really didn't need him to see me like this. The shower was the only place I was certain that he wouldn't bother me, but I was too exhausted to bother. I could feel the weight of the last two years, all the spite, pain, and self-medicating, pressing down on me, like someone had been piling bricks on my chest until I couldn't breathe. I barely had the brain power to kick off my shoes before I crashed into my bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. Summer Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Which is worse:
> 
> Forgetting or remembering?

"Jake?"

I pulled myself out from under the truck, where I had been for the last hour. My garage was like a black hole; it was way too easy to lose track of time in there, and not just when I was working. She was crouched down by the front tire with a can of soda in her hand and a smile on her face. It was almost March, and the days were beginning to get warmer and longer, though that didn't mean much to the girl who was perpetually cold. It seemed like she was adapting pretty well to Washington weather, but I knew the lack of sun would get to her eventually. Yearly trips to see her mom in Florida were not going to be enough vitamin D to last the year. Seasonal Affect was a big driver of business for bars in the state, but as pale as she was, I was more concerned about third-degree sunburns than S.A.D. As usual, she was wearing her favorite blue hoodie under her jacket with jeans.

"Hey, Bells."

I couldn't help but smile whenever I saw her. The guys thought I looked like an idiot and made a point of telling me how obvious I was, but she didn't give me a choice. They were all full of it anyways. None of them had girlfriends either, but at least I had a chance. I finished crawling out and rose to my feet, searching for a rag to wipe my hands with before giving up and wiping them on my pants. They were already stained and torn from months of working on my rabbit, so what was a little more?

"It's almost done," I said, tipping my head towards the rusty red truck behind me. "I just want to double check a couple things. You need to change the oil soon, by the way."

"Thanks again," she said, scratching the tip of her nose. "You should really let me pay you, though."

"Not a chance. Just promise you won't take her somewhere else because they'll rob you blind. Plus, where else can you get such great customer service?"

She smiled and took another step closer, dropping the can into my open palm. She hovered for a moment, barely a foot away from me, and I felt a strong urge to either retreat or close the space between us completely.

"Nowhere I can think of."

I heard another car pull up to the house, followed by the sound of footsteps on the gravel leading up to my garage. She looked over her shoulder, and began walking backwards towards the door just before we heard a knock.

"Who is it?" I asked as she answered it.

"Dinner."

"Wow, the guy even knows to go straight to the garage. Are we that predictable?"

"I guess so," she laughed.

"You don't have to do this, Bells."

"I want to. You won't let me pay you, so I'm going to feed you at least."

She shoved the change back in her pocket and waved the guy off. She sauntered over to the raggedy couch with two large boxes. I never got around to bringing a table in there, so I created a makeshift one out of cinder blocks and plywood when she started hanging out with me in the garage. She grabbed her own coke from the shelf and opened the boxes, letting the smell of hot cheese and garlic drift through the air. It was then that I realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast.

"You act like I'm going to starve." My stomach let out a loud gurgling noise as if to disagree.

"Well, you already look like an orphan in a Dickens novel," she teased, gesturing at my jeans and stained white shirt. "Or the lovechild of James Dean and Pig-pen.

"That's funny coming from the girl who dresses like a Foo Fighter."

I laughed and sat down beside her on the couch as I watched her eyes narrow in mostly-false annoyance.

"You're being pretty rude for someone with only one customer. I'll just have to take my business elsewhere," she said with a wry smile. "But seriously though, Jake. How are you not cold?"

"I'm telling you, it's the Quileute blood. My body is perfectly adapted to living here," I added, flexing a little. "You'll adjust to it after a year or two, Arizona."

I didn't realize just how hungry I was. I dove in, folding two slices on each other like a book and taking a massive bite. She just chuckled as she watched me stuff myself. This growth spurt was seriously killing me. Now I was just over six feet tall, and the weights class at school was really starting to pay off. Sometimes it seemed like she'd noticed it too.

Giant rain clouds had been assembling over Forks for the better part of a day, and I wondered when the sky was going to finally let us have it. It responded with a huge crack of lightning, and the resulting thunder made the entire garage shiver. Bella practically levitated out of her seat with a squeak.

"You are the jumpiest person I've ever seen. You're going to hurt yourself one of these days. More than you normally do."

She stuck out her tongue at me before going for another slice. I began to hear the soft patter of raindrops on metal, which was soon replaced by a downpour that sounded like buckets of marbles were emptying on the roof. Hopefully those tarps would stay put this time. She said something to me, but it was getting hard to hear over the sounds of heavy rain on corrugated metal.

"What?"

She leaned in next to me, her mouth only inches from my ear. I tried not to melt as I felt her breath on my earlobe.

"I said I guess you're stuck with me for a while."

"I'm not complaining," I replied. The close proximity was messing with me more than usual.

I had a rare opportunity tonight. It had gotten dark and the roads were wet and slippery, the exact kind of weather that Charlie hated for her to drive in, though I wasn't too wild about it either. He wouldn't want her coming home on her own when it was like this. I was going to have her all to myself, and there wasn't going to be a better time, at least not for a while. I just hoped I wouldn't chicken out. Thankfully, the storm had calmed itself enough that I wouldn't have to shout it at her.

"Jaaake," she groaned. "Why did I eat so much?"

She was splayed longways on the couch, her legs slung over my lap as I nibbled on the last piece of crust. We'd always been physically comfortable with each other, even in the beginning, and I was enjoying it more and more as things progressed. I could hug her, I could hold her hand while we walked around La Push, and I could feel her head rest against me when she fell asleep watching tv. I was grateful for it, but another part of me wondered if she was so comfortable with it because she didn't see us as even a remote possibility. That seemed to be the running joke from my friends at my old school. On second thought, maybe I should just keep it to myself. Those dreams had been getting more intense and frequent lately, and there just wasn't enough time in the morning to properly address the issue, not that I honestly thought they would get any easier if she felt the same. Swimsuit season was probably going to be the death of me.

"Really? Four slices and you're tapped out? What a marshmallow."

"I'm eating a lot more now than I used to, remember," she grumbled, patting her stomach.

"I remember." I tossed the remains of the crust back into the box. "I had to twist your arm to get you to finish a box of fried rice." I stuffed another one in my mouth.

"Not all of us are as big as you, Jake."

"Are you calling me fat?" I asked, my mouth still very full.

We only survived the silence another few seconds before I gave in and we started cracking up. As it died down, her eyes suddenly began wandering up my torso to the top of my head and down again.

"Are you bigger than the last time I saw you?"

"That's what she said."

Her face disappeared into the palm of her hand, drawing out a frustrated sigh. I, on the other hand, was still snickering. So I was right: she had noticed.

"I guess I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"You really did. I thought you knew better by now. But anyways, it's very possible," I conceded. "I've already grown two inches since last summer. I'll probably be forced to get new clothes soon."

"And I know how much you love shopping."

"Almost as much as you do," I replied, setting my coke down on top of the empty boxes. I held her gaze for just a little too long.

She wrinkled her nose. "You're trying to get me to go with you, aren't you?" she asked.

"Yep."

"Why, because of my world-renowned fashion sense?" she said dryly, gesturing to her own jeans and dirty sneakers.

"No, for moral support. I'll buy you one of those terrible giant cinnamon buns and you can watch me beat those guys at the kiosk to death with their straighteners."

I touched the ends of my hair protectively. Once was enough.

"Fine, but remind me to pick up a ladder before you get so tall that I can't talk to you anymore."

She swung her legs back down and drew them in to her side to sit next to me on the seat, leaning against my shoulder. Bella always had this way of making things more tolerable, sometimes even fun. We did homework together most days, which was good because she was much better at it than I was. Whenever I came over, there was something that she had made the night before, like brownies or cupcakes, which I usually demolished. She had been keeping Charlie on a tight leash as far as his eating habits were concerned, so my visits meant he was allowed to splurge. That may have been the whole reason why he liked me so much.

"It's a deal," I chuckled.

I slowly wound my arm around the back of the couch as we listened to the sound of the rain. I loved talking to her, but we never felt like we needed to fill the silence. I was happy just sitting with her, and it seemed like the feeling was mutual.

She took another sip before frowning and turning the can upside down. She threw it across the room and just barely made it into the trash.

"Hey, do you want another one while I'm up?" she said, pointing to my soda as she rose to her feet.

"I'm good, thanks."

She trotted over to the shelf where I kept them and reached up on the tips of her toes to grab another one. Unsurprisingly, she began to lose her balance and stepped back to stop herself before she suddenly let out a sharp yelp.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she said, lifting her foot. "I think I stepped on something."

"C'mere. Let me look."

She settled back down in her old position and lifted her foot for me to assess the damage.

I whistled. "I hope you've had your tetanus booster."

"Why?

"Because that's a screw."

"In my shoe?" 

"Yep."

I began working the foreign object out of the sole, hoping I could wiggle it free. It relented, and pressed it into her hand.

"It's so tiny," she said, holding it up to the light. "It felt a lot bigger."

I kept my mouth shut, trying not to make a sound while I waited.

"You're terrible."

"You're the one who said it."

I looked back down at the bottom of her sneaker, which now had a hole in it.

"I think this might be the end for these shoes, honey. You've sprung a leak on the bottom here."

"No way," she said, yanking back her foot. He started searching the mountains of crap piled all over every horizontal surface. "Do you have any duct tape?"

I sighed. "You're hopeless. There, next to the battery." I pointed, sighing in resignation.

She hopped over and grabbed the roll, barely making it back without falling over. I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her onto the couch to avoid a major collision. I had to grab her by the waist to stop her from falling on top of me. I thought about how she'd land on my chest, bracing herself with her arms on either side of me. Her face would end up buried in my neck, pulling back slowly until our noses just barely touched-

-Jesus Christ. I needed to calm down before I gave myself yet another problem to worry about.

"Easy there, honey. You're going to break your neck."

She frowned, tearing off a piece of tape with her teeth. She started groping around the bottom of her shoe for the hole with no success.

"Here, allow me," I said, taking it from her and pressing down over the heel. "That's not going to last long, you know. It'll probably come off the next time it rains."

"You don't know that. I'd rather try to save them than just toss them out. I love these shoes."

She sat back down next to me. My hand snaked its way along the back of the couch behind her again. Here we go. It was already getting late, and this was probably my last chance tonight. You've got this. If you don't, it's going to kill you. You'll going to spend the rest of your life taking cold showers while you wonder what could have been if you'd just opened your mouth. What's the worst that could happen? She could turn you down, and then you've messed everything up by making it awkward. Then she stops wanting to hang out anymore or won't let you hold her hand, and you'll still spend the rest of your life taking cold showers and fantasizing about her.

She could say yes, though, said that dumb little optimist voice in my head. It's not like you haven't caught her looking before, or getting really close to your face, or letting your hugs linger maybe longer than they should. Maybe she was just a really huggy person. What she like that with other people? I wasn't sure anymore. This was a bad idea. Waiting for her to make a move would be a better idea, but that's assuming she's actually interested, or that she wouldn't also be waiting for  _you_  to make a move, or that she didn't find someone else. Clock's ticking, Black. 

"Hey Bells?" I practically whispered.

"Hmm?" she grunted.

I looked down from my agonizing to see her nodding off. Her head was resting on my chest and her eyes were closed. She had been picking up extra shifts at her job lately on top of school, and it looked like it was really taking it out of her. She was a junior, after all. She had SAT's and college applications to think about, and she had to keep her grades up at the same time. I was just a sophomore, and I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I just knew that whatever it was, I hoped it would be near her. I noticed her hand had been on my thigh the entire time, and thankfully my skin was dark enough to hide the heat I felt rising up my face.

"I..I like you a lot, you know?"

Her eyes were still closed, and her breathing was still soft and slow.

"I like you too, Jake."

She readjusted on the couch, wrapping her arm around my waist and nuzzling further into my chest.

"No, I meant like...the other way."

You're doing great, Black. Very articulate. You're really making a moment out of this. How could any girl not be won over by your mumbled half-confession on a dusty couch in a shack that smells like motor oil? I heard myself let out a sigh and I turned my gaze upward to the ceiling, watching water drip through a seam in the metal. Maybe she was far-gone enough that she would think it was a dream. I wasn't counting on it.

"So did I, dummy," she chuckled.

I froze. Crap, did she really say that? My heart stopped, and it wasn't until an eternity later that I realized I'd been holding my breath. Say something, Black.

"Really?"

I watched my right hand drift over the one she now had on my waist, and she inhaled suddenly, finally opening her eyes. A deep blush was rising in her face, and her eyes darted upwards to meet mine.

"Yeah," she said softly. She was so cute when she was embarrassed.

Her fingers began to weave into mine, as bony and frozen as always. I had no idea what to do with any of this. To be honest, I didn't think I was even going to make it this far. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe while she looked up at me. I was going to need a minute. I leaned over to rest my forehead against hers, watching her chest rise and fall with every heavy breath.

"Bells...you know I-"

"Shh...you need to stop talking."

It took a minute for my brain to catch up with my body. When it did, I found her mouth on mine, her lips moving slowly and softly, and I was kissing her back. God, she smelled good. I could have done this forever. She pulled away, our noses still touching, and let out a tiny giggle. I thought I was going to lose it.

I gently pulled her in by the waist, threading my fingers through her hair as I guided her lips back to me. I kept things slow, savoring the warm, sweet taste. I never truly understood just how much I wanted her until now. I felt all the blood drain out of my head and turn my muscles into rubber. Everything about this moment was completely intoxicating. I couldn't imagine anything else making me feel as drunk as she did.

I didn't know what came next. Did this mean she was my girlfriend now? I could think about that later when her chest wasn't pressed against me. Who was I kidding; I was going to be spending every waking second replaying this in my mind for a week. Good thing no one couldn't read my thoughts, or I would be screwed. Reluctantly, I pulled away to catch my breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she whispered softly.

"I'm sorry." I looked away. "I was just waiting for the right time. I was worried that I was going to make things weird between us and-"

"-No, Jake," she interrupted. "You never told me."

"What?"

My mouth twisted in confusion. Her playful smile was replaced with a quivering lip. Did it really upset her that much that I waited?

"We could have had this."

"Bella, what are you talking about?"

Her voice was cracking as she spoke.

"I loved you, Jake. Nothing would have torn us apart."

She gently took my face in her hands, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. Her eyes were locked onto mine with a bewildering intensity that I didn't know she had.

"You could have stopped all of it. He never would have...."

I felt a drop of water dripping down from the roof and onto my arm. I allowed my gaze to leave her for only a second, but what I found wasn't water. A crimson stream was winding down from her wrist and landing on me in small droplets.

"I would have stayed right here with you, but you left me.  Why did you leave, Jake? Why do you hate me?"

I jolted awake, panting and completely soaked through with sweat. I scrambled onto my hands, pushing myself up against the headboard as I looked around my room. The sun was radiating through the tiny, dingy window of our room, and I knew it must be late. My heart was pounding like a drum as the images played in a loop in my brain.

Why did you leave. Why do you hate me. Why did you leave.

I buried my face in my hands, trying so hard to keep it together. It was completely overwhelming and still so vivid: her smile, her head on my shoulder, the softness of her lips, her tortured expression, the way she choked on my name. My subconscious had truly perfected this method of torment: twisting my memory of that night, letting me get exactly what I'd always dreamed about, and then knocking the wind out of me. I wanted to see her so badly. I wanted to make sure she was okay, that she hadn't woken up the same way I had. But she wouldn't want to see me. I didn't really want to see me either.

I finally caught my breath and wiped my eyes with my arm. The muffled sound of the toilet flushing interrupted my thoughts, and Sean emerged from our bathroom soon after. He looked like he had been showered and dressed for hours.

"Dude, you look like shit."

"Thanks for noticing," I growled.

He started gathering up his books and shoving them in his backpack. What kind of kid went to the library so early on a Saturday? If I was going to even attempt to get something done after a long night, I was ordering delivery and doing everything in my cave until the sun had set and it safe to come out.

"Not really surprised after last night. You started freaking out and talking in your sleep again, by the way."

"I don't talk in my sleep," I retorted, massaging my temples.

"Yes you do. You woke me up last week yapping about spark plugs."

He was avoiding making eye contact. Sometimes I wondered if he was afraid of me or if being alive was too stressful for him.

"But I guess now we know who 'Bella' is," he muttered pointedly, raising his eyebrows as he zipped up his backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

"Something you wanna say?" I could hear the irritation growing in my voice.

"Nothing. I didn't take you for a 'relationship' kind of guy, but you seem  _really_  hung up on your old girlfriend."

"She wasn't my girlfriend."

I slumped back down on the bed and turned away from him.

"You spend a lot of your REM cycle talking about her for someone who wasn't your girlfriend."

"Just drop it, okay? I'm not in the mood."

He was intentionally standing in front of me now, forcing me to look at him while he tried to pick my brain.

"Yeah, that's the problem. You're never 'in the mood.' Ever since that party, you've been either stomping around or moping like somebody died. The least you could do is tell me what's going on so that I won't keep accidentally strolling into your drama like last night."

Damn. The guy did have balls after all. I had to respect that, even though I was pissed off and sick of his endless prodding. I couldn't help but feel a little bad about what he saw since I knew he avoided conflict like the plague. Being such a ball of anxiety all the time must be rough.

"She and I were friends in high school," I sighed. "And then she started dating this rich prick, and I pretty much never saw her again. I thought she ditched me just so she could be popular, but now...I don't know. There was something else that I wasn't seeing. That party at the start of the semester was the first time I'd seen her in almost two years."

He looked down at me with almost overt pity. I didn't want it, but I was feeling pretty fucking pitiable at the moment.

"And you're still not over her?"

That was a good question, just not one that I had any interest in exploring with Sean, a guy who had only recently gotten a girl's top off. I stayed silent and averted my eyes, staring at my clock. It was reading eleven-thirty.

"Look man, I'm sorry about last night, okay? I promise I'll make it up to you, but would you just do me this one favor?"

He rolled his eyes.

"I'm not bringing you food again, Jake. I've got shit to do."

I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Not that. I want you to check on them, make sure they got back alright."

I knew he was still interested in Leah, so maybe that would be enough motivation on his end to drop by.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'll try later today."

"Thanks."

The door had barely closed behind him when I lurched out of bed and began stripping off my damp clothes from the night before. I looked down at the enormous wet patch on the bed and realized that the sheets were probably going to have to get washed too. I shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the water as hot as it would go. It was going to take fire to cleanse me of the last twelve hours. The water burned my skin as I lathered up every inch of my body and doused my hair in shampoo, but that wasn't enough to distract me from the dream or from Sean's comments. Though I tried ignore it, there was no way I could delude myself any longer.

I was still hopelessly in love with Bella Swan.


	8. Dark Alley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when "sorry" isn't good enough?

Midterms were over, but I was still spending way too much time in the library. After Halloween, I'd lost my taste for going out on the weekend, not to mention the fact that I was unreasonably anxious about the prospect of bumping into her again. That seemed to only end badly for me. I was thankful that Sean didn't need a babysitter anymore, and even more so that he wasn't trying to bring girls back to our room. I still wondered if he had hooked up with Leah yet. He wasn't one to kiss and tell.

It was going to be another Saturday night spent camped out in the corner of the library's second floor. I was closing in on three hours in the study-hole. The pre-req's for Engineering were killing me. Taking physics and calculus at the same time during my first semester was one of the dumbest ideas I'd ever had. My sister was pre-med before she changed her major, and she told me these were "weeder" classes, designed specifically to weed out people who wouldn't be able to survive the program to the end. It sounded a bit cruel, but at least it would give freshies enough time to change majors before it was too late.

After working on the same problem for a half hour, I'd had enough. I decided to lay my head down for a few minutes on my physics book, its cool surface soothing my flustered skin. At least it was finally being useful. I had made the mistake of thinking I could get away with 'just five minutes' and not turning it into an hour. It wasn't like I was going to be getting much more mileage out of this session without a break anyways. Of course, I quickly nodded off despite how physically uncomfortable I was. There were no more dreams, just darkness. That was the only real peace that I got these days.

To no one's surprise, I woke up just as tired as before, but now I'd been set back in my plans. I sat back up in my chair with a moan that reverberated off the huge panes of glass, and surveyed my surroundings. In such a short time, it looked like the floor had cleared out, leaving only the losers who had nothing better to do that night. I felt groggy, like waking up after taking allergy medicine. I still had work to do, and it didn't look like I was nearing the end. I glanced over at my phone to check the time, which was propped up on the two books stacked in front of me. Right beside it was a can of coke.

Well that certainly woke me up. I looked around again, but there was nobody else in my field of vision. Wow, it was even room-temperature. Finally giving up on studying, I haphazardly threw everything in bag. I made my way down the stairs and through the lobby on the bottom floor with no idea of where I was going or why. I didn't know why a fucking soda was making me like this, and I didn't know what exactly I was hoping to find, or not find, when I finally came to rest. Maybe I was getting a taste of my own medicine. But there she was, legs crossed on the bench facing the automatic doors, perching on the far end and sipping from her own can. Her hoodie was enormous on her, almost reaching down to her knees. Still prioritizing comfort over fashion, I see. 

"You looked like you needed a break."

Her voice was quiet, and she looked like she was struggling to look at me. It was dark, the walkways illuminated by nothing but a handful of antique iron street lamps, but I could still see a faint rosiness creeping onto her face. At least she wasn't mad this time, so that was a step in the right direction. I moved forward hesitantly, still unsure whether this was an invitation or just a joke. She finally looked back at me and nodded shyly. Slowly, carefully, I approached and sat down in the empty spot beside her, as if I were trying to pet a mountain lion. So what now? I cracked open the can. Now I had something to occupy both my mouth and my hands while I waited for something to happen. 

"I'm sorry about the other night," she said, fiddling with the drawstring around her hood. "That was-I was...shitty."

We sat in silence for a moment while her words echoed in my head. I wasn't sure that I was ever going to get another civil word out of Bella, and now she was apologizing. I was happy to finally hear it, even after all this time. It eased my mind far more than I thought it ever could.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked, sneaking a peek at her arm.

"I never wanted you to know."

Even without knowing the details, I was confident that I wouldn't have wanted to be kept in the dark. I was pretty ill-informed as it is. As terrible as her intimations were to hear, it was better that I didn't have to find out from someone else.

"Why not?"

She shook her head.

"Partly because I felt so stupid."

"And partly because you knew I'd burn his house to the ground?"

She stifled a laugh. It was nice to see her smiling again.

"Something like that." She took a large gulp.

"Anyways, I just wanted to apologize." She looked away. "For a lot of things. I know that isn't enough."

A part of me felt vindicated, which wasn't how I wanted to feel about any of this. It wouldn't bring down the swelling in my bruised heart; it would only serve to make me more bitter, and I didn't want to live like that anymore.

"Not on its own," I mused. "But maybe with time."

I wanted to forgive her. I wanted to just let everything go right then and there, but I knew that was impossible. I'd held onto all of this for too long. There was no way that it would just vanish overnight, no matter how much I wanted it to. But god, how I'd missed her.

"What can I do?" I could hear her trying to maintain her composure. "I know we can't just pretend everything didn't happen. I'm not asking for that. I just want to make it better."

"That makes two of us," I sighed wearily. "I don't know. I don't want it to be like this either. I guess I just need time to think."

"That's fair," she conceded.

"I'm not gonna push you to talk about whatever is was that happened, Bella. Not unless you want to. But I do want you to be honest with me. I promise I'll tell you the truth, whatever you ask, as long as you do the same."

She looked at me and another smile crept onto her lips. She looked into my eyes the way she used to, that look of understanding that went past all pretense. I had no idea how the hell I was going to stay objective when she was around.

"Yeah, I can do that."

A long pause followed, just taking in each other's company. I didn't mind. Things were still a little tense, but I felt myself becoming comfortable with her presence again. It was so much easier than I remembered.

"So how many of those did you have to go through waiting for me to come down?"

"Two."

I snorted.

"Lucky for me, I was pretty dehydrated to begin with."

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Nah," she drawled. "It looked like you needed some sleep. You're really burning the candle at both ends, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I puffed.

I raked my fingers through my hair as I was reminded of everything I was supposed to be doing right now. My backpack sat on the ground by my feet, gathering even more dirt on it than before. It had somehow gotten even heavier lately, making it the most literal physical manifestation of my academic experience thus far. Hoisting that thing back on my shoulders was not an alluring prospect. 

"I heard you got the scholarship."

I could feel myself flush a little.

"Yeah. Full ride. Now all I have to do is keep up my grades and not go broke buying all these books."

She turned to look at me again.

"I knew you'd get it. You earned it." Her voice grew soft. "I'm really proud of you, Jake."

Dammit. I wasn't prepared for that. It wasn't intentional, but she always found a way to switch off the logical side of my brain, the one that I shut off myself on the few nights I'd had the room to myself. Every now and then, my stupid, juvenile imagination got thrown a bone. As much as I'd hoped everything I fantasized about would come true, that batting average sometimes made me wish that reality would stop indulging it. If I didn't fully commit to this whole reconciliation process, there was a frightening chance that I was going to let her waltz right back in. No, it was almost certain.

"Thank you."

"You know," she started. "Leah and I have been hanging out and smoking a lot on the weekends, if you ever want a real break."

"I think Clearwater would rather punch me than smoke me out," I countered.

"Only if you keep calling her that. And besides, it's my stuff. She can deal with it."

"I might take you up on it then, if you can guarantee my safety."

I rose from the bench and bent down to pick up my backpack again, swinging one strap around my shoulder. Either it had gotten heavier or I was getting weaker.

"But until then, I've got to get caught up on my reading."

"Sure, sure" she said, clearing her throat and nervously climbing to her feet.

It might have been the cold, but it looked like she was blushing from under her hood. It had been a while since I saw that. I could try to dissect it later when I wasn't running on fumes.

"I'll see you later, Bells."

The words felt strange coming out of my mouth. I hadn't said that in years, but it still felt the same. Now she was definitely blushing.

"Yeah," she said with puff of frozen breath.

She tucked a lock of her chestnut hair behind her ears.

"See you, Jake."

I watched her shove her hands into the pocket of her hoodie, her hair spilling forward out of the hood. I wanted so badly to hug her, to see if she smelled the way I remembered. No, Black. Stop that. You are stronger than that. Turn around and walk home before you do something stupid. For once, I listened.

We went our separate ways. As I trudged back to the dorm, I yanked my phone out of the deep recesses of my pants to check the time. Eleven-thirty-five. Great. Maybe I could squeeze in another chapter before bed. How had I been staying up until two or three in the morning three times a week for this long? If anything good had come out of Halloween, it was putting a stop to all that. The dry reading material of higher education must be the cure for insomnia that the world had been searching for.

Once pillows entered the equation, I realized that there was no hope of getting anything else done tonight. In addition to feeling completely wrung out by school's endless demands, my mind was far too preoccupied with other matters. I shouldn't be. This was going to be the last big test of the semester before finals. I'd been doing pretty well thus far, but I wasn't going to push my luck, especially given that my free tuition was riding on it. What kind of psychopath schedules a test for 8 a.m. the day before Thanksgiving break? At least I had that five-day weekend to look forward to. I scoffed at the irony of being the first Native to look forward to Thanksgiving.

I was still on the fence about going back to Forks for the break. Dad and I hadn't left on the best terms, but I had to admit I was feeling weirdly homesick. If I was going to start sucking the poison out of my life, maybe he was a good place to start. As much as I was loathe to admit it, I wouldn't mind seeing my sister, too. There was no way Rebecca was going to leave Hawaii to visit, at least not until she made Billy a grandpa. From what I gathered, she and Bella's mom were far too alike in personality. The idea of either of my sisters being a parent was hilarious. Those poor kids were going to need at least a decade of therapy.

Paul would be around the whole time, I'm sure. I dreaded the day that she would tell us he was going to be my brother-in-law. Rachel was helping him mellow out, but she wasn't a miracle worker. They did seem happy together though, and I had to admit I was a little bit envious. I wondered if Bella would come back to Forks, too. Charlie would probably demand it. As much of a grouch as he could be, nobody ever questioned how much he loved her. Almost nobody loved her quite as much as Charlie. Renee was an idiot.

* * *

I listened to the dial tone, waiting and hoping that Charlie would pick up the phone. His schedule was so unpredictable, and I never knew if I was waking him up after a late night or interrupting him at work. The usual lunch hour seemed like a safe bet.

"Hello?" answered a low, gravelly voice.

"Hi, Dad," I replied.

"Hey, kiddo. How are you doing?"

"Good. I managed to pass all my exams without a complete mental breakdown, so I think that was a success."

I guessed that was half true. 

"Glad to hear it. Just don't work too hard, okay? You're in college. You should have a little fun, too….Just not too much fun," he corrected. "I don't want to get a call saying you're in the ER or that I need to come bail you out of jail."

"Nothing but hard drugs and unplanned pregnancy. Got it."

"Bella..." he groaned. "At least pretend you're being careful?"

"Dad, seriously, you don't need to worry. Leah has been taking good care of me."

Far too often. I should buy her dinner or a new piece or something.

"Well that's a relief. I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley. Or a well lit one, for that matter."

"She is a formidable opponent. She nearly punched Jacob back in August."

It was quiet on the other end. What a smooth segue, Bella.

"Jacob Black?" he asked confusedly.

"Yeah," I answered with a nervous chuckle.

"He's going to the same school?

"I was just as surprised as you are. I thought Billy would have told you."

He let out a heavy sigh.

"Billy has been less talkative than usual, at least as far as Jake is concerned. Things were pretty tense between them for a while. Billy told me Jacob was leaving for school, but he didn't elaborate much."

"That's strange. I figured Billy would have been over the moon about the scholarship and everything."

"He got a scholarship?" he asked again, even more surprised.

"Wow, he really hasn't volunteered anything. Looks like we were both in the dark."

"He won't admit it, but I think Billy is having trouble with it all. Both his daughters left at the same time. One gets married almost immediately and ships off halfway across the Pacific and never visits, the other is about to move out again, and his youngest leaves for school and barely says goodbye. If even one of those things happened with you and me, I'd be a wreck."

I hadn't thought about that. I knew that leaving for college would be hard on Charlie, but I didn't consider how everything piled up on Billy, who already had a hard time taking care of himself as it is.

"I didn't know things had gone south with him and Jake again. They seemed to be doing so much better."

"They were. Seems like things started to deteriorate sometime during his junior year"

I knew it. There was a lot that I had missed because I was too wrapped up in the Cullens. I should have known back then that something was wrong, but I realized later that I couldn't trust them to give me reliable information. It was never explicitly stated, but they definitely were prejudiced against the Quileutes. Rosalie liked to make snide remarks about colleges giving greater consideration to Native Americans over white kids or how they were 'all on welfare'. It boiled my blood, but I was afraid of having yet another fight with Edward where he ranted about what an 'ingrate' I was, how I would never get anywhere in life without their help. I should have walked away right then and there.

"Dad," I hesitated. "What happened to him?"

"He kind of fell down a hole, kiddo. I don't know much, but Billy was having a hell of a time with him. He didn't know where Jake was most of the time, what was going on, or pretty much anything else. They did nothing but fight, and eventually Jake just stopped talking to him. Completely shut him out. Billy took it really hard."

They both had me to thank for that. I couldn't fix any bad blood between he and Billy that pre-dated me; Only Freud and a bottle of scotch could do that. But I wasn't blind to the changes in their relationship when Jake and I were together, and I still felt like I should have known how far reaching the repercussions would be.

"He asked me to come out to the reservation a couple times after you started school because Jake kept coming home with bruises. From what I could gather, the boys were getting rowdy and doing stupid crap that should have killed them. All kid stuff, really, but I understood why Billy was worried. I think he just didn't know what else to do. I sure as hell wouldn't."

"Did Billy say anything about why he...changed?"

"Bella, I know where you're going with this. It's not your fault. You were seventeen, for Christ's sake," he urged.

"It's kind of my fault. He felt like I bailed on him, and he was right. And to make matters worse, it was with for worst possible person.."

"You didn't know what Edward really was. Neither of us did. There was no way you could have-"

"-Jake did. He tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen," I interrupted, my voice starting to crack. "I knew something was off about the Cullens, but I ignored it because I didn't want to believe it was true. I just  _had_ to learn it the hard way."

"Don't you dare blame yourself for what he did to you," Charlie growled.

"Not for  _that_ , Dad. Just for everything else I ruined in the process. Jake isn't the person I remember anymore, and it breaks my heart knowing that I caused that. I'm never going to get that back, what we used to have."

"There's nothing you can do about the past, kiddo. Believe me, I've tried. All you can do now is try to make amends, if he's willing."

"I'm working on that. I had to shoot myself in the foot a couple of times first, though."

"Any progress is good. You're just going to have to be patient. Rome wasn't burned in a day, you know."

"'Built,' Dad," I chuckled.

"See? This is why I always insisted you go to college. You've got to educate your old man."

For a self-described 'terminal bachelor,' Charlie had a lot of wisdom. A decade of contemplating his marriage and subsequent divorce must have taught him a lot.

"Now can I ask you something?"

Oh, no. Time to spin the wheel of Charlie's Awkward Questions. What would it be this time?

"Why did you start seeing the Cullen boy anyways? I thought maybe there was something going on with you and Jacob before he showed up."

"No, there wasn't," I mumbled bitterly. "I'm not exactly sure what I saw in Ed. I guess I was overwhelmed by him in the beginning. Boys never noticed me before, and then here comes this handsome guy who was really into me and just showers me with affection all the time. I mean, you know the gifts and parties and stuff weren't me, but I was just kind of dazzled by it all, like hypnosis. I never thought I was the kind of girl who was so easily won over, but I guess I was wrong."

"You aren't. There's nothing wrong with wanting things, Bella. They were doing a lot of things for you that I couldn't. I wish I could have been the one to give you a better life. Maybe things would have turned out differently."

"Now it's your turn to not feel guilty," I scolded. "You've done more for me than anyone in the world, Dad. It must have been really hard to take over without any help from Renee, but you did it. I've never been without anything I needed, and I should have been more grateful."

He didn't say anything. I heard a sniffle in the background, and then he cleared his throat.

"Dad?"

"Nothing, it's fine," he replied. "You know I was happy to do it, kiddo, and you took good care of this old grump."

"Jeez, I didn't mean to make you all misty-eyed."

"I'm not misty," he croaked. "When you called, I was expecting you to just tell me about school and Thanksgiving break."

"Crap, that's right! What're we doing this year?"

I was looking forward to being home again. School was great, but I missed Charlie and the familiarity of my hometown. I might even see Angela or Jessica, if they still wanted to see me. Jake wasn't the only person I lost when Edward and I were together.

"I'm still trying to nail that down, but we've got a couple weeks to mull it over. If nothing works out, it might just be the two of us."

"That's okay. It'll give us a chance to catch up. Either way, you're still getting pie."

"Looks like you've got me pegged," he chuckled. "Well, I've got to go get ready for work. I'll call you when I know what the plan is."

"That sounds good. Love you, Dad."

"Love you too, Bells."


	9. Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the games begin.

The outcome of our meeting surprised me more than anything else thus far. There was a very good chance that he would have just blown me off, or not come down at all, but the fact that he came looking for me _and_ stuck around long enough to hear me out gave me hope. The truth was, I had no idea what to expect from him, given the tense nature of our interactions that semester, but for one fleeting moment, it felt like we were sixteen again. I was certainly being as awkward as I was when I was sixteen.

I found Leah laying on her stomach on the bed, pretending to read Sartre while some show played on the laptop beside her. I knew she had attempted to make sense of it by highlighting the important points, because nearly the entire page was yellow. Now I knew how we kept running out of highlighters. I dumped my coffee cup into the trash can, finally grabbing her attention.

"Oh thank God," she exclaimed, slamming the book shut and tossing it behind her.

"I'm dying, Swan. I can't deal with anymore of this existentialist bullshit. It's depressing the hell out of me. If I have to read the word 'bourgeois' one more time, I'm going to throw myself off the balcony. Did you have to read this?"

"Yes, and it was a nightmare. I could have told you that Philosophy 101 was a bad choice, but you just  _had_ to prove me wrong. 'It's an important foundation class!" I said, mocking her harsh voice. "'You're supposed to challenge yourself in college'!"

She narrowed her eyes, looking at me with the same scorn that she saved for when I accidentally woke her up at 8 a.m. for my chem lab. It looked like she was still mad about this morning.

"Shut up and entertain me," she whined, rolling onto her back and continuing to glare at me from upside-down.

"How, exactly? You're the fun one in this relationship."

I peeled off my sweater and fell backwards on my bed. The spot where I landed was pilling and fading faster than the rest of it. I was starting to sense a pattern. For once, I wasn't tired. Anxiety was now my constant companion. I wasn't afraid of seeing him like I used to be, but rather I was anxious about when I would get to see him again. It was astounding just how much he occupied my thoughts now, how much I wondered what he was up to and how he was doing. Charlie's account of what I had missed was still just as clear in my mind as it was then. I knew I wanted to see him, but I had no idea what I was going to do once I did. 

"Darling. Sweetheart. Angel. Light of my life. You're turning into a boring person, and you're taking me with you. I'm tired of pretending I understand any of this and I want to do something fun."

"Nobody in that class understands it," I said, getting increasingly exasperated by Day Fifty-Million of her complaining about this class "Just find a really pretentious freshman and shit all over whatever he says. It always worked for me."

"I'll keep that in mind. You're still not off the hook, by the way."

I rolled my eyes and sighed heavily

"Jesus Christ. Fine. Let's get really blazed and watch something."

"Yesss," she hissed.

She jumped out of bed, and I was grateful to finally have a way to occupy her. She understood why I wasn't keen on going out after the incident, and she was indulging my impulse to act like a hermit. It wasn't in her nature to be sitting still indoors for this long. She had too much aggressive energy, and I feared for my sanity when her cabin fever finally reached critical mass.

She started rummaging through the junk under her bed, pulling out old boxes and forgotten dirty laundry until she found what she was looking for. She pulled out a hardcover book with a hollow interior and rose up off her knees to place it on the bed.

"One of these days, we need to get something nicer than this janky-ass piece, like the sophisticated adults that we aren't."

"You'd just spazz out and break it," she laughed. "At least I won't be out another sixty bucks."

"I said I was sorry," I mumbled, averting my gaze. Jake was probably the only person who could have ever found my ongoing battle with gravity endearing. After a couple of well-timed jokes, of course. Being funny but not too mean used to be his specialty.

Leah either wasn't listening or did care. She was too busy with the grinder, which was giving her problems again.

"Piece of shit," she whispered loudly as she struggled to maintain her grip.

"So, it's your turn to decide what we watch, but I'm going to go ahead and veto any Disney movies after last time."

"Come on, Swan. 'Pocahontas' was a fucking riot and you know it."

I shook my head. "You have the weirdest sense of humor I've ever seen. I still can't believe it was your idea," I stopped to think for a second. "Oh, and no Shyamalan, either. I've seen enough of Bryce Dallas Howard to last a lifetime."

"God, you're so picky tonight. Would John Hughes meet your lofty standards?"

"Sure. 'Pretty in Pink'?"

"Deal. Load it up while I finish packing this."

I was always in the mood for the holy trinity of 80's teen movies. Their problems were always so simple, so easy to fix: Just talk to them. Stop letting your stupid pride get in the way. Just tell your crush you like them already. Obviously, I had zero room to talk when it came to solving my own problems. I wasn't convinced that I'd progressed much further than any of them, but at least most of them weren't old enough to drive. At almost twenty, I had absolutely no excuse, nor any right, to yell at the screen like Charlie during the World Series. That's all on you, kid.

I arranged the pillows on my bed long-ways against the wall, scooting backwards to rest on them before grabbing her computer and finding the movie so it would have some time to buffer. The internet speed on campus was an endless source of frustration. Leah grabbed her lighter, climbed up next to me, and pressed play.

"Alright, Andie Let's do this."

"Why am I Andie?," I asked, mildly offended.

"You're pale, oblivious, and you don't get in enough trouble," Leah clarified as she coughed out the smoke.

"Fine, but then who are you?"

"The cool friend at the record store. She's the only person who knows what the hell is going on."

I had just barely gotten through my own first hit when there was a knock at the door.

"Shit," I muttered, scrambling to move everything out of view while Leah looked out the peephole.

"Swan, you are not gonna believe this," she tittered, covering her hand with her mouth in a flaccid attempt to stifle it.

"What? It's not the RA again, is it?"

"Nope. It's better."

She swung the door open to find Jacob looking down at her, accompanied by his roommate.

"Hey, Leah," said Sean. "Are you guys busy? We were wondering if we could hang out, if Bella's offer still stands. It's cool if you guys have other stuff going on."

Leah's eyes darted over to Jake, who was uncharacteristically fidgety, and scanning his face for a moment before breaking into a smile of recognition.

"Bella's offer, you say?" She turned back to me, her eyebrows raised in disbelief. I could only nod.

My heart was fluttering like hummingbird wings. I still didn't believe that he'd actually come. I figured I wouldn't be seeing him again until after the break at least. His hair was down again, tumbling over his jacket, and he only had a shirt on underneath it. He was still a human furnace, it seemed. It was good to see that some things hadn't changed.

"Yeah, come on in," she said, waving them in and quietly closing the door behind her.

Sean sniffed the air. "Smells like we came to the right place."

Leah ambled over to me, trying not to trip over the random clutter on our floor.

"You have a lot of explaining to do after this," she rasped.

I wasn't looking forward to that. I still hadn't told her about meeting him at the library. I wanted to keep it to myself for a little while, and I suspected he did too. I still feared her often annoyingly insightful commentary and her penchant for messing with people. This was a delicate situation, and I needed to keep as much control over it as possible. She quickly returned to her normal volume.

"We were actually just starting a movie to go with it, if you're down."

"Sure, what're we watching?" Sean and Jake began shedding their jackets.

"'Pretty in Pink,'" I answered, finally forcing myself to make a noise.

Jake looked over at me, the corner of his mouth turning up in a faint, familiar smile. 

"Your favorite."

"Yeah…" I replied quietly, allowing myself to meet his gaze.

A small spike of adrenaline surged through my veins. I hadn't looked at him right in the eyes, not when were weren't picking at each other, anyways. Now that he was calm, I almost recognized him under the spiteful mask he'd been wearing. It was kind of annoying, but that dumb goofy grin wouldn't let me stay mad at him for more than a second.

"My sister's too," Sean piped in.

He'd adopted an unusually sunny and talkative demeanor, and I began to suspect that there were ulterior motives, though I didn't know whose. He hopped up, lifting himself backwards onto the bed. There was always plenty of room for Leah and I, but the addition of Sean and The Incredible Hulk was going to be a challenge, not to mention the seating arrangements. You aren't in high school, Bella. You can sit next to people without it being weird. You're the only one making it weird.

"I don't think we've got enough square footage to fit my laptop on the bed this time, babe," Leah pondered, standing back to observe my bed as if it were calculus. "Too many legs."

"Then you know what I'm going to do."

"I swear to God, Bella. We have company."

I was already rummaging under my own bed. Jake's eyes were wandering around the room, and I suddenly regretted living like such a pig. What happened to the domestic goddess that kept Charlie from living in squalor? My desk was unreachable for all the papers and laundry piled on top of it. I was pretty sure it was clean, though the clothes in the hamper might have been the clean ones. Every night but tonight, having a clear path to the bed was my only priority, but now it was making sure that my underwear and my vibrator were out of sight. I groped around blindly until I finally found what I was looking for.

"I can't believe you have a tv tray. You're like my grandmother," she groaned.

I saw Jacob snickering out of the corner of my eye. At least he was loosening up, because I sure as hell couldn't.

"If I didn't take it then Charlie would eat every meal in front of the tv," I countered with a huff as I set everything up. "It's for his own good."

"Keep telling yourself that, babe," she grunted, climbing up with one hand, her pipe in the other.

She landed in her usual spot next to me, which is where I had settled, but this time there was Sean was on the other side of her against the headboard, leaving Jake to squeeze in on the end. If I didn't know any better, I'd think that Leah was trying to have a little fun with me. It looked like that was her schtick as of late. Out of habit, I reached out to take the piece from her, which was quickly met with a smack on the hand.

"Were you raised in a barn?" She scolded. She leaned across me to hand it to Jake.

"Ladies first."

Leah seemed to take pleasure in annoying him, but in a rare turn of events, he simply sighed and took it from her. He wasn't so brooding anymore, just quiet. He almost looked...shy? That was a new one. The Jacob I knew, past or present, was cocky to a fault. He took his hit, and then passed it over to me. As I exhaled, I noticed that he was playing with his belt loops. I was too busy trying not to look like I was looking at him, and Leah's voice snapped me back to reality.

"Hey, girl scout. It's mine now."

"Right...sorry," I stammered, turning my attention back to Molly Ringwald.

Thankfully, I was already feeling more relaxed. Sean started coughing when his turn came around. It was clear to me that this was his second time smoking weed at the most. My roommate had made a hobby out of corrupting the youth, first with me, and now with this freshman boy. When I passed it back to Jake, his fingers briefly slid over mine, making me inhale sharply. I missed the feeling of his giant hand around mine. It had always made me feel so at ease, but over time it transformed into something else. I slowly began to realize that I enjoyed his touch a little too much.

Leah and Sean were slumped over on my pillows, resting their heads against each other and giggling every now and again. My body had long since rid itself of the tension from before, replaced by an unyielding smile that made my face ache. I probably looked like an idiot. Smoking always turned me into a child.

That scene was coming up soon. My fists were clenched and pressed against my lips as I tried to contain myself. It was hopeless, of course. I loved it too much. This was the one movie that I couldn't just watch like a normal person.

"What is she wigging out about?" Sean asked, raising a single eyebrow.

_You won't regret it no, no_

_Young girls they don't forget it_

_Love is their whole happiness, yeah, yeah, yeah_

"This is her favorite part," Jake's deep voice rumbled over the music.

_All you got to do is, man, hold her when you wanna_

_Squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her_

_Get to her, got, got, got to try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah_

I hadn't noticed before, but Jake was looking down at me, chuckling in his throat while he watched me lose it over Duckie's extended Otis Redding impression. My face was definitely turning red now, and not just because of John Cryer. Leah and Sean were still stifling giggles.

"Duckie is my favorite, okay?" I said, feeling somewhat defensive. "I hate that she ends up with Blaine. He's such a piece of shit."

Leah nearly did a spit take.

"That might be the funniest thing you've ever said, Swan." 

Jacob's jaw tightened, giving her an icy stare.

Sean watched them both carefully before he coughed again and quickly changed the subject.

"Bella, you know that's not the real ending, right?" My ears pricked up at the sound of my name.

"What do you mean, 'not the real ending'?"

"The original ending had her dumping Blaine and dancing with Duckie instead, but the test audiences didn't like it and they had to shoot a new ending."

"Well they're stupid," I added petulantly.

Leah grabbed her water bottle off of my nightstand and took another sip, a knowing smile plastered on her face as she kept her eyes focused on the screen. I wasn't looking forward to what was going to happen when they left. I wasn't looking forward to them leaving at all.

_Here's the point, Andie. I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me,_ _because I live to like you and... and I can't like you anymore. So... so when you're feeling real low and... and dirty, don't look to me to pump you back up 'cause... 'cause... 'cause maybe for the first time in your life I won't be there!._

The weed was threatening to put me to bed whether I wanted to or not. My mind protested, but my body won out, and I slowly drifted off just in time to see Andie shove that dick into a locker.

I didn't remember my pillows being this warm or this supportive. The fabric was so soft against my cheekbone that I nuzzled further into it. This was the most comfortable and relaxed I had felt in a long time, and I didn't want it to end. The mattress began to shift, which jolted me awake, and I discovered that my face was buried in Jake's shoulder. I knew there had to be a catch.

The computer was the only source of light in our room, and I was especially thankful, because I knew if I were any redder I'd have steam coming out of my ears. I wasn't entirely certain why, though that may have had more to do with the green haze currently clouding my brain. Jake was probably looking at me, but I was afraid to see for myself. Leah had already slid off my bed to put away our paraphernalia and Sean was undoing the knots in his shoelaces. I couldn't stop myself anymore. I bit my lip and looked up from my hands so I could face Jacob. He gave me a restrained smile as he watched me come-to. 

"I missed that," he murmured.

His candor startled me. He'd been shrouded in mystery for so long that I'd forgotten what it was like. I took it as a sign that he really meant what he said. Now it was my turn to make good on the promise.

"Me too."

"Hey Jake, you coming?" Sean interrupted.

"Yeah, just a second."

He slid off my bed, grabbing his jacket off my dresser and slipping it on in one smooth motion. 

"G'night, Bella," he whispered. My heart skipped a beat.

Leah watched them leave from behind the threshold, finally shutting the door once they were at the other end of the hall. Even now, I couldn't calm the persistent thumping of my heart.

"What the fuck was that?" she blasted.

"I told him he should come over sometime and smoke with us."

She crossed her arms in front of her chest. Being in trouble with Leah always felt like I was in trouble with my dad.

"When? Last time I checked, you two weren't even speaking."

"Last week. We talked a little when I saw him at the library."

"The library? Bitch, you've been holding out on me!"

The pitch of her voice was rising with every exclamation. She crossed the room and perched on the side of her bed. I still couldn't discern if she was actually angry or if she just felt out of the loop. Both was a safe bet.

"I told him I was sorry and I wanted to try to make things better."

"What did he say to that?"

"He said okay," I responded, sounding almost as surprised as she was.

"Really? That's all he could muster?"

I pushed myself up on my elbows and rolled my eyes in exasperation.

"Of course he said more than that. He's willing to try, but I don't think either of us really knows what that means," I explained. "I figured I'd let him take the lead, so I offered an excuse for us to see each other if he wanted. I just didn't think it would be so soon."

She looked dumbfounded. "Well shit, Swan. I didn't know you had it in you."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

I didn't know I had it in me either. Putting myself out there had always been a struggle, and I still wasn't sure how I'd worked up the nerve to face Jake like that. I couldn't when we were in high school, and that was when we were comfortable enough to talk about anything, except perhaps that one thing. Maybe the New Bella Project wasn't a lost cause after all.

The gears began turning in my head again. I'd spent so much time ruminating on the way things used to be that I'd been letting the present pass by without any real thought. The fact of the matter was that Jacob was too important to me to ever let go again. Being near him made me feel better than I'd felt in years, like I was truly safe again. I needed to earn back his trust, but I didn't know how I was going to do that. What I wanted more than anything was to see him again, to hold his hand, to bury my face in his chest and smell the forest radiating off of his skin. I just wanted Jake.

"Leah?" I whispered.

"Yeah?"

I swallowed hard. It was time to face the reality of the situation, for better or for worse. 

"I think I'm still in love with him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I had rewatched "Pretty in Pink" around the time that I wrote this chapter. It didn't even occur to me until afterward that it would fit so well into the scene. In case you were wondering, the factoid about the re-shoots is completely true. Blaine's hair looks really terrible in some shots of the prom scene because he'd shaved his head after principal photography for another role and is wearing a really bad wig.
> 
> Next chapter might be my favorite in this story, maybe second favorite at the least.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	10. Break's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have a lot of catching up to do.

"I think that went well," Sean said pleasantly, trying to break the ice on the walk back.

The start to the evening was nerve-wracking. I'd barely mentioned Bella since she and I had our little heart-to-heart, but I don't think he needed me to elaborate. He obviously knew what was going on in my head, to the point that it was a little annoying. We both knew that he was right, but I wasn't interested in hearing more of his professional opinions. Well-intentioned as he was, I didn't trust him not to get involved, which of course meant that he did. Encouraging him to spend more time with Clearwater just so I could have the room to myself was a bad idea. It's not like I was bringing girls back anymore, and I wasn't convinced that this trade-off was going to end in my favor.

"...Yeah."

It was like she and I were starting over from the beginning, except this time there were real hurdles to clear, not that this fact kept the rest of me under control. She sat next to me the entire night. At first it made my muscles tense, but soon it was replaced with goosebumps that ran down the entire left side of my body. I could feel her warm breath on me as she started to drift off, resting her head on my shoulder. I was in my garage all over again.

"Thanks for coming with, by the way."

"It's cool, Jake. I can tell you needed to go."

Was it want or need? I could feel the line between them getting blurrier every day, threatening to lower my inhibitions. But as the evening had proven, I needed to get re-acclimated to being around her. It was all coming back to me so quickly. I hadn't remembered just how big the void was when she left, and I was more than happy to let her fill it again, like a junkie fresh out of rehab.

I could have gone the rest of my life without Leah's running commentary. Screwing with people was one of the great joys of her cursed existence, but this was starting to feel less like she was getting her jollies and more like some kind of conspiracy. She was shamelessly smug for the rest of the movie, and if Bella hadn't been half-asleep, I might've shot back. That Bella had been talking to her about our situation was a foregone conclusion. I wanted to know what she was thinking. No, I needed to. It was driving me insane. I supposed I could have asked her directly, but the awkward kid inside was more inclined to shake it out of her roommate. It was nice to know that I was less mature now than I was at sixteen.

That's how I found myself at their door again, praying for the first time that Bella wasn't there. It was quiet, and given that it was the middle of the day, there was a good chance that she was in class. I knocked quietly, still a bit ashamed that I was even here, and listened for footsteps approaching the door.

"It's open," rang an apathetic voice from inside.

I poked my head around the door to find Leah sitting with her feet propped up on the desk. She was reading, chewing on the end of a highlighter and regarding the book with a look of both confusion and contempt.

"Need me to help you with the big words?"

She snapped her book closed in her hand and gave me a sardonic smile.

"Sure, why don't you come closer and I can show you which one is giving me a hard time."

"Sorry, you're not my type." 

"I don't think anyone is confused about who your 'type' is," she smirked. I scowled back.

She went on. "I wondered when you were going to come sniffing around. She isn't here, but you aren't here to talk to her, are you?"

I didn't answer. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, wondering how much of her nonsense I was going to have to put up with.

She shrugged. "Look, I'm not going to be your go-between, and I'm not going to divulge privileged information. If you're so damn curious, you'll need to get that shit out of her yourself."

I ground my teeth. 

"Then what can you tell me? I feel like I'm totally in the dark here, and I hate it." My hands squeezed into fists at my side.

"You're not the only one, Black. Seth told me about some of the stuff you and your dumbass friends were getting up to last year. She'd want to know."

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't want her to think of me that way. I'm not that person anymore. I'm trying not to be, anyways."

She stood up and leaned on her desk, crossing her arms in front of her. 

"I can't tell you what's been going on in her head. Only she can do that. However, I can promise you that she's not going anywhere."

I could feel a lump trying to rise in my throat. Her powers of perception were a tremendous relief when she used them for good and not for pissing me off. I still wasn't sure that I was on board with her direct-line to my thoughts. She knew exactly what I was afraid of, but her words lightened the load on my mind. Perhaps Leah wasn't so bad after all.

The mask was starting to slip. I looked down at the floor in hopes that she wouldn't notice, but she could read anyone like a book.

"You really love her, don't you?"

I pressed my lips together and nodded.

"Then you've got nothing to worry about."

I wasn't sure what she meant, or even how to respond. I didn't know how I was going to approach Bella about any of this either. Trying to keep a safe distance while wanting her so badly was seriously testing my resolve. What the hell was I going to do, try to shut it out like last time? Because that worked out so well for both of us. I turned around to open the door before she stopped me.

"She's got chemistry from one to two on Tuesday and Thursday, and then she usually gets coffee at the place across from the library."

I eyed her suspiciously. "Why are you helping me? I thought you hated me."

I knew that Leah didn't appreciate my part in corrupting her little brother, nor the ongoing drama between Bella and I that she had been dragged into. She was always very rough around the edges, but there was some part of her that wasn't so bitter and calloused, something that told me she cared far more deeply about people than she would ever let on. 

"I love Bella too, you know," she answered curtly, as if I was stupid for even asking. "I want her to be happy. And if this," she gestured broadly towards me from head to toe, "is what will make her happy, then I don't have much of a choice. Just try not to screw it up."

"...Thanks, Leah." I nodded in acknowledgement.

"Anytime, Duckie."

I slipped out the door and checked the time on my phone. It was one-thirty.

* * *

It was another brisk autumn day, the kind I looked forward to every year since before I left Arizona. The leaves had long since changed into their usual golds, reds, and oranges, making the entire campus look like a sunset. But with it would soon come the sad conclusion of the year, when the trees would become naked and dejected under the equally grey skies for months afterward. It still seemed like a small price to pay for something that filled me with such happiness. I would have to wait again for what seemed like forever, but it was always worth it.

As usual, class was a slog. No matter how much I worked on my own time, it was still difficult to keep up with the syllabus. The more I learned, the dumber I felt. Of course, I had no room to complain was much as I had been. I was only required to take one semester. Some of my classmates had to take organic chemistry for their majors, and they had my deepest sympathies, even if many of them were in AP and honors chem classes in high school. No one deserved that kind of punishment.

That night in our room was still constantly invading my thoughts. It all felt too familiar. Nostalgia and my long-dormant feelings for Jacob bubbled to the surface over the course of just a couple hours, and it was giving me whiplash. I'd been angry for a long time, trying to convince myself that it was his choice to cut me out of his life, but deep down I knew that this was all my doing. I tried to imagine him disappearing into a relationship like I did, even for someone I didn't have a problem with, and the thought felt like a stone in the pit of my stomach. For a year, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see him or talk to him. He'd become a welcome fixture in my life, the only person besides Charlie who I trusted with my heart. Truth be told, I had been lashing out at him to prove to myself that I didn't need him, that I didn't need anyone. I'd made myself sick trying to conceal my guilt, my grief, and my desire to everyone, but to me most of all, obviously with very mixed results.

Given the size of the campus, I had lucked out when it came to location. Nothing dragged me to its outer limits like last year. A fifteen-minute walk was the longest travel time I had to suffer to get anywhere, and I was never more than five minutes away from a source of coffee. If it weren't for the shop across the way, I would have never made it this far. I'm sure I wasn't alone in that regard. Its proximity to the library must have made more money for the school than all the alum donations combined. I was still campaigning for a coffee IV drip. I'd finally thrown that pack of cigarettes away, though I was pretty close to finishing it anyways. To my surprise, my overall stress levels had actually gone down, and I suspected that it was the result of being back in Jake's orbit. His smile always had that effect on me, though I wish it could make me less tired, too. 

By some miracle, I'd come during a lull. There were only a handful of people inside, mostly typing on laptops or studying for all the tests that usually piled up the week before Thanksgiving break. As nice as it was to not have to worry about it while I was in Forks, I wasn't entirely convinced that it was worth the toll on my psyche.

"Hi, just a large coffee, please." The barista looked just as worn out as his customers.

"Any cream or sugar, hon?"

"Black, please.

He handed the cup off to the girl at the espresso machine. I shifted my weight from side to side as I waited, somewhat impatiently. I should have bought something to eat to go with it.

"I'm sorry, how did you want it again?" she asked.

"Black."

She nodded and handed me the paper cup, and I took it from her a little too greedily. I wandered further inside in search of a place to park my brain-dead ass, hopefully something more comfortable than the aluminum chairs.

"You know, you normally have to say it  _three_  times in order to summon me," said a deep velvety voice behind me.

I stopped dead in my tracks to find Jacob sitting in one of two leather chairs in the corner behind a half-wall. As usual, his jacket had the sole responsibility of shielding him from the elements. He wore a dark green shirt that hugged his sculpted torso with jeans that hung just below his hip bones, highlighting the diagonal trenches that pointed downwards towards his lower half like an arrow. He was working on his own cup and watching me with a wry smile that made my heart race.

"Does that make you Beetlejuice or the devil?"

"You tell me," he chuckled.

He had to be the former. If anyone was going to help me perform an exorcism on my life, it was Jacob Black.

"D'you wanna sit?" He pointed to the seat beside him.

"Uh...sure."

I'd forgotten how effortless it used to be between us, how we just sort of fit together like a two-piece puzzle. I hoped that we could still fall into that natural pattern again, even if it still didn't slow my heart.

"You coming from class?" I asked, playing with the cardboard band around my cup.

"Yeah, I've got an hour and a half break in between. It's not really enough to get anything done."

"I've got the same problem. Chem lab and lecture."

He winced in response and took a sip of his drink, and I mimicked him absentmindedly, forgetting that they had made mine not two minutes ago.

"Shit!" I sputtered, holding out my tongue.

A laugh rumbled in his throat.

"You can't even sit quietly without hurting yourself," he teased. "You're absolutely hopeless, Bells."

I still wasn't used to hearing his nickname for me again. It felt good to hear, but it couldn't help but feel a little strange, too. I directed my burned tongue towards him.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to talk a little, but now I think we might have to take a rain check."

"I'm fine, smart-ass," I replied with a smile. "What did you want to talk about?"

He looked away and scratched the back of his neck nervously. Nervous Jacob was especially cute, on the rare occasion that he made an appearance. It was such a stark contrast to the confident jokester everyone knew, and it made me feel like I was in on a secret.

"Well, I was going to ask if you had any plans for the break."

What did that mean? I didn't expect him to be going home until Christmas if he and Billy were still on the outs, but maybe they were working through it. That still didn't explain why he wanted to know my plans, unless he was thinking about seeing me while we were home.

I took off the lid and began blowing over the surface.

"I talked to Charlie about it not that long ago. He's still figuring out what everyone's doing. Right now, it looks like it might be with Leah's family, though it could just be me and Charlie like last year. Are you going back to Forks, too?"

"I don't know." He looked down and raised the cup to his lips. I guess I got my answer.

"You haven't talked to Billy yet?" I asked gently.

"Not since I left. We weren't really talking much before then either."

The once light mood was shifting, and it made me uncomfortable. I could still hear Charlie's retelling of the events of the last two years in my head, but I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. Our stories were probably seventy-percent hearsay as it was.

"I'm sorry, Jake. It seemed like things were getting better for you two...before."

"And I had you to thank for that." The corner of his mouth twitched with a half smile that disappeared as quickly as it came. "But I guess I fell off the wagon."

My brows knitted together. "What do you mean by that?"

He sighed heavily, and I wondered if my curiosity had become prying.

"You didn't know me before Forks High, what I was like back then. To be honest, I was hoping you never would, but I guess that ship sailed." He slumped back in his chair. "The classes weren't the only reason I transferred. I had kind of a...reputation at my old school. I think the elders wanted me to be someone else's problem."

"I was in trouble a lot," he continued. "I was always getting into fights. I started most of them. I was always out partying with the guys from the rez, and then I just stopped coming home most nights. I was kind of an asshole, actually. I was just so pissed off all the time that I stopped caring about anything. After I transferred, people at school weren't looking at me like I'd kicked their dog every time I walked by. And then I met you, and I realized I wanted things to be different."

I was speechless. Until I wrecked everything, I had never known anyone other than the sweet, cocky goofball that fixed my car and copied off my homework. He was a little prone to roughhousing, sure, but there was no way he was capable of hurting anyone. I never felt safer with anyone than I did with Jake, and I hated to think that my mistake set him back so far.

He turned the cup around in his hands. "I'm not blaming you for that, by the way," he quickly added. "You motivated me a lot when we were together. I'm the one that let myself backslide."

"I didn't know I could ever be considered a 'good influence.'"

"Bells, you were a nerd who never even got a tardy slip. You were the definition of 'good influence.' And now look at you! Smoking the reefer and going to frat parties."

"Not my fault. It was all Leah's doing. I'm just enjoying my freedom."

"Mhmmm." He rolled his eyes. "Sure it was."

With all of this new information came a question I had long ignored for lack of any reason to believe it, or its source, for that matter. I just hoped it wouldn't offend him or make him think I really believed the lies that the Cullens helped spread. Nevertheless, I still felt at least a little complicit. I paused, trying to come up with the right words.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't know things were that bad. I mean, I heard…"

Rumors? Whispers? Unsubstantiated claims?

"...things... at school sometimes."

"Did you believe them?"

He was looking at me directly, but not angry or defensive. I prayed that nothing I asked would upset him or make me lose even more of his trust. I was lucky that he was willing to tell me anything. Getting greedy would come back to bite me in the ass.

I shook my head. "No, but there is one thing I need to know for certain."

"Okay," he said, somewhat hesitant.

"During senior year, I heard talk about a kid from the reservation who ended up in the ER. They said he had a concussion and broken bones."

"No," he said gruffly, answering the question I didn't want to ask. He shifted in his seat.

"The kid's name is Quil. He decided to try cliff diving during a party we were having near First Beach. He's a real lightweight," he chuckled darkly. "At least he wasn't stupid enough to try doing it from the top ledge. It wasn't very far up, but he still managed to hit a rock. Everyone bolted after that. Didn't want their parents to find out they'd been drinking."

"Why did they think it was you then?"

"Because Jared and I were the only ones there when EMS showed up."

I knew it. Maybe he was different from the person I knew before, but there was no way that he could ever hurt someone like that. Underneath that guarded exterior laid a very soft heart. Sometimes it was hard to believe that I was one of the few people who'd seen it.

"He was fine," he continued. "They taped him up and his parents tore him a new asshole, but there wasn't any brain damage. Well, I don't think there was. It's really hard to tell with that kid."

I snorted and nearly made coffee come out my nose. I groped around the table next to me for a napkin, trying not to embarrass myself in front of him for the millionth time.

"You're a mess, honey. I think it might be getting worse." He was looking at me the same way he used to, the way that used to make my heart skip a beat. It still did.

"So now I think it's my turn," he announced.

"Sorry, you're right. I didn't mean to interrogate you or anything."

"No, it's good you asked."

His mouth pressed into a hard line, and his eyes wandered over to my hands.

"When did that happen?" he said in a low, flat voice. 

"About a week before move-in."

His breathing grew heavier, and he closed his eyes.

"It was actually the last weekend that I spent in Forks. Talk about a dramatic exit," I laughed weakly. I didn't know why I was trying to lighten the mood. There wasn't anything light about this story.

Suddenly, his eyes popped open and he turned to me, his eyes wide with recognition.

"You called my house."

"Yes.

"Billy said it was like ten o'clock at night."

"Somewhere around there."

"I was out with Jared and Embry," he said, the tension building in his voice. He wasn't talking to me anymore. "I never called you back."

No no no no no.

"It's okay, Jake. Really. It's over and done with."

His empty cup began collapsing in his fist, his eyes squeezed shut. This was definitely not what I wanted him take away from this conversation.

"Is it, though?."

Out of what I can only assume was pure instinct, I reached out to place my hand on his in the hopes that I could steady him. This was probably too forward for where our relationship was at the moment, but I couldn't help it. Whatever was going through his mind right now, I needed to make it better.

"I don't want to do this anymore, Jake." I must have startled him, because his eyes immediately snapped back to mine in alarm, though I wasn't sure if it was the result of my touch or my pleading.

"You don't want to do what?"

"This stupid cycle of guilt we seem to be stuck in. Me, you, Charlie, Billy, the fucking Cullens; it's killing me." I was trying to keep my voice down, but keeping it even was much harder.

"I'm still trapped in that year. What I did to you, what they did to me, everything I put Charlie through, every little stupid decision I made that snowballed into this mess, it all plays in an endless loop in my head. I tried so hard to forget. I thought if I did, then I would be able to move on and be happy, but I can't. I don't want to feel like that anymore, Jake." I looked away. "And I never want you to feel like that either, especially not on my account."

"Bella, I…"

He quickly scanned the coffee shop to find more than one person staring at us from over laptops and phones. I knew none of this would really be private if we were in public, but then again I wasn't expecting to need much privacy. My hand was still on his. I'd expected him to pull away by now. Instead, he took it into his own, and stood up.

"C'mon," he said in a low voice, tipping his head toward the door. I sniffed and nodded, picking up my bag and my drink and letting him lead me out.

I knew his strides were normally longer and faster than what I was capable of, but he matched my pace so as not to drag me the way Leah did. He guided me to the garden by the art studio, which featured installations of senior sculpture projects on short concrete pedestals. It was one of few peaceful and secluded places on campus.

He stopped us somewhere along the brick wall and leaned against it. I wished I could see what he was thinking. Just a clue. The journey there had left me pink and breathless. It wasn't clear if it was from the head rush or the way his rough palm wrapped around my fingers.

"I don't want you to feel guilty anymore either, Bells," he started. "I did in the beginning, because I thought you didn't care and I wanted to make you understand just how much it sucked when you left." He looked down at his feet. "I didn't know there was something else going on, and I never meant to throw it in your face like that."

"I know," I said quietly. "I didn't realize at first that you didn't know, and I hate that I thought for even a second that you would do that knowingly. I still can't believe that no one told you."

"You and the Cullens were kind of a...sore subject at the time. I think they were afraid to talk about you in front of me. Idiots can't tell the difference between important information and busting my balls. Kicking their asses is gonna be at the top of my to-do list the next time I'm home," he added. "I'm tired of feeling like this too, Bells, and I'm tired of trying to keep my distance."

"I don't want to stay away either. It's been way too long as it is."

"Agreed," he sighed. "I'm not mad anymore. I just want to know that I can trust you not to run off again. I don't think I could take that a second time."

He looked up at me again, his eyes begging me not to put him through that again. It paralyzed me completely. All this time I'd had more power than I imagined, and so far I'd used it with reckless stupidity.

"You can trust me, Jake. I won't leave you."

He looked up from the ground and straight into my eyes. He lunged, wrapping his muscular arms around my shoulders and pressing me to his chest. I wound my arms around his waist and listened to his heartbeat matching my own. His chest rose and fell with carefully controlled breaths, and I squeezed him even tighter. This was exactly where I was supposed to be, where I should have been all along.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered.

He inhaled deeply and pulled away. 

He cleared his throat. "I, uh, I should get going," he mumbled, fidgeting on the spot where he stood. "I've got class in fifteen minutes."

"Yeah, I should head back, too." An idea suddenly crossed my mind.

"Hey, before you go, can I borrow your phone for a second?"

"Uh, sure," he replied curiously, pulling it out of his back pocket.

I took it from him and began flipping through his contacts. I handed it back to him, my name now at the top of the screen.

"Here." He carefully studied the screen before finally looking back at me. "Use it."

He nodded quickly in response. "I will."

"See you later, Bells."

I smiled. "Yeah, you will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I think I loved writing this chapter the most out of all of them. In the books, I always disliked that Bella never had to take any real responsibility for the selfish and crappy things she did, or that she never made any attempts to be better. It's my humble opinion that in any J&B story, especially one sticking to the canon setting/characters/etc, there's got to be a certain amount of humility and self-awareness on her part, or it would be yet another unhealthy relationship. I think we can all agree that Jake deserves better than that.
> 
> Also, please check out my new story "My Guy." I've just posted the first chapter, but there will be more on the way. I've always wanted to do a period piece, and now the inspiration has finally struck.


	11. Infamy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going somewhere new again.

Every minute spent in the car with Leah involved a brush with death. No fewer than five times during the four hour drive home to Forks had my entire life flashed before my eyes, and this was  _my_  life we were talking about; It wasn't a documentary in fast-forward as much as it was a bloopers reel, one of the few occasions I could think of where a laugh track would be an improvement. But my life wasn't the only one imperiled; Not only had Seth been failing to keep his sister in the loop with regards to the break, he'd also neglected to tell her he had a girlfriend. I half expected him to be wearing a cup and a bike helmet when she got home.

But all things considered, I enjoyed our trip back. Leah liked to blast music as she raced down the highway, skillfully avoiding every speed trap as if she had psychic powers. It felt cathartic, like I was screaming out all the stress of weeks past. I already knew I wasn't going to be happy with those last test grades, but I was long past caring. When we returned to school, I would enter my pre-finals study hibernation phase, so I was going to enjoy every second that I spent at home.

Naturally, school wasn't the only reason I was so excited to blow off some steam. Except for a handful of texts, I hadn't seen Jacob since our impromptu coffee date/therapy session the week before, so I was excited, and a little apprehensive, to see him again. Leah had been eerily quiet on the subject lately. This was either because she wanted to respect my privacy (unlikely) or because she didn't care (even more unlikely), but I still had this nagging suspicion that she knew something I didn't. It wouldn't be the first time. I wondered how things were going to go between him and Billy once they were in a house together for 5 days straight without a buffer. Rachel was technically still in Forks, but work and Paul commanded most of her attention these days, based on the handful of interactions I had with her, she was not the peacemaking type.

Somewhere on the home stretch, Leah's "Nostalgia" playlist was interrupted by her phone blasting out the obnoxious ringtone she used for her little brother.

"Would you put that on speaker, babe?" she shouted before she killed the music.

"Hey, Sis." His voice had gotten deeper since I last saw him. The kid had been growing like a weed. What's in the water the Quileute boys are drinking?

"Hey yourself. What's going on?" she asked warily. "Oh, Bella's here too. You're on speaker."

"Oh hey, Bella!" he called cheerfully. Maybe he was under the delusion that I could save him from his sister.

"Hi, Seth."

"What did you do?" Leah asked shortly, nearly cutting off my greeting.

"Okay, so, remember how you told me to keep you updated on what was going on in La Push?"

"Yes?"

"I forgot to tell you something when we last talked."

She groaned loudly. "Jesus Christ, Seth. Just write it all down. What, did another one of your friends jump off the cliff?"

"Not this time. It's kind of worse."

"Delightful. Well?"

"Okay, don't be mad at me-"

"-Depends on what you're about to say."

I heard the poor boy take a huge breath before blurting it all out in a single word, as if he were speaking German.

"SamandEmilyarebackinLaPush."

"What?!" she exploded.

"I'm sorry!" he pleaded. Even without hearing the story behind it, I knew that Seth was going to need to hire a bodyguard.

"How long are they there for?" she demanded.

"I don't know. They're visiting Sam's parents. They'll probably go back to the Makah rez the same day you leave."

She didn't respond, instead choosing to focus her eyes on the road, muttering to herself through gritted teeth.

"Hey Seth, you just reminded me," I offered. "Would you tell your mom not to worry about dessert? Charlie and I are bringing pie tomorrow. Just ask Leah-"

Her head whipped around to glare at me.

"Just call  _me_  if you guys need us to bring anything else."

"S-sure, Bella. See you tomorrow." He hung up without another word.

"Got something you'd like to share with the class, Lee?"

Now that Seth wasn't listening, she merely pouted. I knew that face. That was her patented Sad-But-Trying-To-Look-Pissed face. She refused to let anyone see her cry, lest the illusion of a stone-cold bad-ass be shattered.

"I haven't seen either of them since Sam and I broke up," she said.

"I'm guessing that Emily is his girlfriend?"

"I wish she was just his girlfriend." She was now driving at a speed that would only be considered 'reasonable' on the Autobahn. White knuckled, she glared through the windshield as if she could intimidate the road into getting us home faster.

"Emily was my cousin. Okay, I guess she's still my cousin. She  _was_  my best friend the whole time we were growing up. We were practically attached at the hip."

"That must be really weird, seeing her with your ex-boyfriend." I tried to empathize, but the best approximation I could come up with was Jake dating Edward. I had to cover my mouth so she wouldn't think I was giggling at her.

She laughed bitterly. "Oh it's weird, alright. She was the one who broke us up."

"He left you for Emily?"

"No, he cheated on me with Emily."

I knew that she was still messed up about the breakup with Sam, but I'd always assumed it was because they dated for a long time or broke up after some major blowout. I never suspected that it was this bad.

"Holy shit, Lee. That's horrible."

"Yeah," she sighed. "He was cheating on me for most of my first semester freshman year. I came home for a long weekend to see them and the family, and there they were, screwing around on his couch. Half his buddies knew, and nobody said a word. A three-year relationship and a thirteen-year friendship, all down the tubes in one afternoon."

"Now I understand why you hate them all so much."

"It used to be worse. This," she pointed to her scowling face, "is Mellowed-Out Leah."

She merged into the highway off-ramp, turning in a wide circle until it dumped us out on the road that would soon lead us into our beloved podunk town. I could smell the moss and the salt air already.

"I'm surprised you let any of them survive."

"Believe me, the thought crossed my mind," she replied sourly. "I used to be a nicer, you know. Getting cheated on in a long term relationship really puts murder in a whole new perspective."

"Do you want me to run interference for you if we see them?"

"I really hope you won't have to."

"Well, I want you to know that I have a flawless plan just in case."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, you do?"

"Plan A involves me falling and breaking something, so you have to take me to the ER and stay by my side until they patch me up, and by then everyone will be gone."

"What's Plan B?"

"I start a fire."

Leah laughed, finally easing up on the gas as we pulled through the center of town. Leah always tried to make me feel better, so the few opportunities I had to cheer her up made me feel like less of a waste of oxygen. She still drove like a maniac, and I was relieved once we finally pulled into Charlie's driveway.

The thud of the car doors closing prompted a flash of movement across the kitchen window. The door swung open enthusiastically and Charlie trotted out to meet us.

"Hey, kiddo!" he yelled, squeezing me way too tightly, as if it could keep me from ever leaving again. What was it with the men in my life trying to crush me to death?

"Hey, Dad," I gasped, dropping my bag at my side.

"Evening, Chief." Leah pushed me out of the way to give Charlie a hug.

"Ah, there's my favorite Clearwater! Don't tell your dad I said that," he chuckled. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"No, just dropping her off. I've got parents to appease and a brother to kill. My evening is booked solid."

Charlie just laughed and patted her on the back. He picked up my bag and we waved goodbye as she pulled out.

Nothing had changed since I was last home. For some reason, I always expected it to look different. Maybe Charlie's recliner was a little more worn than I remembered it, or the furniture more dusty. If he hadn't been living alone for several years before I moved in full-time, I would have been worried about him. He wasn't incapable; I had just spoiled him rotten. He dropped my bag by the stairs and we settled down in the kitchen.

"It's good to see that you made it home with all your arms and legs," he said, pouring me a cup of coffee.

"Not without a near miss. Lee found out that Sam and Emily were in town and for a second I thought she was going to drive us off a mountain."

Charlie groaned as he sat down at the table, massaging his temples with one hand.

"Thank god I'm not with the highway patrol," he muttered. "Can't say I blame her, though. Sue and Harry weren't too happy about it either. They're still pretty protective of that girl, even if Emily is family."

"Me too. If you have to bail me out of jail at any point this weekend, you'll know why."

He smiled as he raised his mug to his mouth, getting his mustache wet again. Luckily, Charlie's coffee wasn't magma-hot like I was used to. I soon realized that I was nearly chugging what he'd just given me. It was entirely possible that I had a caffeine problem.

"Oh, I meant to tell you earlier, but you were already on your way home: Leah's family invited Billy and Jake over tomorrow."

I was getting really tired of aspirating coffee. I coughed, pounding my chest with my fist to keep it all from going down the wrong pipe.

"Is that alright?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, no, that's great," I stammered. "I'm glad he's spending some time with his dad while he's here. It's been a while."

"Uh-huh," he said flatly, his expression unchanging. A high-pitched beeping noise put a pin in the conversation, and I crossed my fingers that would be the end of it. Charlie sighed and crossed the kitchen to the oven, pulling out a large dish covered in foil and letting it cool on the stove.

'Well Gordon Ramsay, look at you!"

"I can read a recipe," he replied indignantly.

"I know, Dad. I was just hoping you made friends with one of the guys at the fire station while I was gone."

"I take it your 'Sassing Your Father 101' class is going well," he shot back as he began scooping dinner onto two plates. "I made that buffalo chicken casserole Sue taught me after the Super Bowl last year."

He slid my plate over to me before sitting down with his own, watching me carefully as I blew off the steam and took a bite.

"Wow, this is really good, Dad."

"No need to sound so surprised."

"I'm not. I actually want to see if I can convince Sue to share the recipe."

"Cooking at school too, eh?" He chuckled. "I'm glad you're still trying to eat healthy."

Visions of the past semester's indiscretions played in my head like a movie: the jello shots, cheap beer, mountains of pizza, bagels, massive coffees, Leah and I stoned out of minds while we blew through enough Chinese takeout to feed a small village.

"Yep. You know how much I love a good salad bar."

We ate in silence for several minutes as the last slivers of the sunset began to disappear. Daylight Savings was a curse. I loved taking walks in the woods and along the beach after dinner, but for nearly half the year I was stuck indoors watching  _M*A*S*H_  reruns with my Dad because he was so paranoid about bears. It came as a major relief when Jake started staying for dinner. Our two-thirds majority gave me a lot more say in what we watched. Of course, there were a lot of other benefits of stretching out the time I spent with him. Sitting under the blankets with Jake after Charlie inevitably dozed off was a big one. Any opportunity to sit close to him was a win.

"So I bought all the ingredients for-"

"I knew it!" I said, slamming down my fork. "You don't want to see your daughter! You just want pie!"

He raised up his hands defensively. "I had to make sure. You know I wait all year for it."

Now he was dripping sauce onto his shirt. This had to be genetic.

"I wouldn't dream of keeping you from your one true love, Dad."

"So," he began, clearing his throat and redirecting his gaze out the window. "You gonna tell me what the deal is with Jacob?"

"What do you mean?" I stared down at my food.

"Well you nearly choked to death when I mentioned his name, for a start. But Billy said things are getting better with the two of them. I'm guessing you have something to do with that."

"Not exactly." He waited.

I stabbed at a piece of chicken. "We started talking again."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I blushed, and I couldn't help but let a smile creep onto my lips. "I think things are going to be okay, Dad."

"Well I'll be damned," he chuckled. "Good for you, kiddo."

I'd been sitting on my bed for over an hour, staring at my phone while a movie played in the background. Leah was texting me off and on, mostly about dinner tomorrow and tentative plans for the rest of the weekend. This was the second year that she had tried to persuade me to get up at 3 a.m. to go shopping with her, and this time I knew how to evade her. I could not think of a worse nightmare than arriving at a mall that early in the morning, still filled with wine and too much food from the night before, just so that I could get trampled to death by an unruly mob for a chance at a thirty-dollar crockpot. That was a hard pass.

I was exceptionally bored. I couldn't for the life of me remember what I used to do before I started spending time with Edward and Jake. There was homework, but I wasn't going to be so much as glancing at schoolwork this weekend. There was reading, but nothing was really appealing to me lately, probably because of countless hours spent reading textbooks or Russian lit. I finally decided to put my music on shuffle and close my computer.

My collection was weird, as Leah loved to point out. There was plenty of moody nonsense on my phone that had become the soundtrack for my life for way too long, mixed in my odd fixation on old stuff. Both of my parents had a hand in the latter. Dad was still stuck in his childhood, and Renee's love of  _The Partridge Family_  had clearly scrambled her brain. The few, brief opportunities I had alone in the dorm were the only times I played anything without headphones.

I pressed play and walked over to my bag, where I began rooting around in search of my pajamas. At least I had the good sense to bring the nice ones, the stretchy purple bottoms with a matching long-sleeved shirt. I began trying to wiggle out of my jeans, yanking my foot through the skinny ankle that only barely allowed my foot to pass through in the first place. I looked around for a place to charge my vibrator, settling on the outlet by my desk. I wasn't going to kid myself here: it was probably going to be a long weekend on that particular front, and it's not like Charlie would come traipsing in unannounced. I had just barely finished pulling the shirt over my head when I heard one of my favorite songs blast out of my speakers.

_Rescue me_

_Come on and take my hand_

_C'mon, baby and be my man_

_'Cause I love you_

_'Cause I want you_

_Can't you see that I'm lonely_

I couldn't help my spin, sliding around in my socks. That's what I loved about oldies: they had such great energy. They were the only things I ever actually liked dancing to, though I still hated having an audience. They never failed to cheer me up when I needed it either, though some had gotten a little too real for me recently.

 My general lack of coordination and total lack of traction was a recipe for disaster, but I couldn't help it. I had finally reached a point where I honestly felt like dancing. I was going to get to see Jake again tomorrow and maybe again before we went home, and I was almost guaranteed a debauched sleepover with Leah after everyone's tryptophan started to kick in. She was more than happy to relieve her parents of any leftover wine.

 

I twirled around once more and opened my eyes, only to find a large figure standing in my peripheral vision.

I shrieked and immediately hit the floor. I flipped my hair out of my face to find Jacob leaning against the windowsill with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. He was wearing his usual ensemble with his long hair tied up in a bun. I immediately turned scarlet.

"Bella! You okay up there?" Charlie yelled up the stairs.

"I'm fine! I just fell off the bed," I called back over my shoulder.

"Oh...well...don't do that." He thumped back down the last two steps.

"Sorry to interrupt, Bells," Jake said, surely gearing up to tease the hell out of me.

"Jesus Christ, you scared me. Announce your presence next time, will you?

I pushed myself up to sit on the floor, leaning against the foot of my bed while I paused the music and tried to still my heart. How many times was I going to embarrass myself in front of him? I'd already lost count at this point. The low light in my room felt more like mood lighting, making his deep copper skin glow, which was not helping to quell the minor heart attack I was recovering from. It was a verified fact that he was a gorgeous specimen of a man, and I lamented the fact that he was always wearing a shirt. The zipper of his pants was now at eye level. He offered his hand to help me up, and it registered that I'd been ogling him this entire time. Any attempts at subtlety had been a complete failure, and I was somehow getting worse. I felt like the most awkward person on the planet, which wasn't that unusual, except that now I definitely needed to keep it under control.

"I thought we had gotten past you sneaking into my room," I panted.

"Maybe I was feeling nostalgic," he suggested, letting go of my hand once I became steady on my feet. "But I also figured you wanted to avoid a conversation with Charlie."

I began trying to fix my hair. "It's a bit late for that."

"He cornered you, huh?" I'd forgotten how well he knew my Dad. He'd practically grown up with him around, after all.

"During dinner, no less. I swear, our dads gossip like old women."

"Anything interesting?"

"Well, Sam and Emily are in town and it's got everyone in a tizzy."

"I heard. I feel bad for Leah."

"Me too," I sighed.

I sat down on the end of my bed. "He also said that Billy has been talking about you. All good things, by the sound of it. He sounds glad that you're home"

He looked away and laughed nervously. "Yeah, I came home yesterday and we talked a little. I've been trying."

"By sneaking out at night so you can break and enter into some poor, unsuspecting girl's bedroom?"

"First of all, I knocked before I came in. Secondly, I told Dad I was going out,  _and_  I told him where I was going,  _and_ I didn't lie about it. I think that's major progress."

"So it was premeditated." I squinted at him, half teasing, the other half finding an excuse to look at him a little more. That tattoo was really growing on me.

"Are you done?" he sighed.

"Fine, buzzkill. So you told your dad where you were going?"

"Yes, I told him I was going to see you because..."

He pulled something shiny out of his pocket, tinkling like bells.

My eyes lit up. "You finished it?" I gasped.

He grinned and nodded, swinging the key ring round on his index finger.

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to go for a ride. It's not the maiden voyage, but we can pretend."

"Oh,  _hell_ yes! I just need to get changed." I nodded towards my bag without thinking.

He glanced over and very quickly looked away, pressing his lips together tightly. Shit. I knew I should have let it charge behind the nightstand or something. My humiliation score for this evening was already two-for-two, and the night was still young.

"I'll, uh...leave you to it." He smirked as he opened my window again to climb down the tree.

"If you weren't so cute I'd push you out the window," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that?" he asked, looking back at me with one leg over the sill.

"Nothing. I'll meet you out there."


	12. Takeover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Throwback night takes a sudden turn

Charlie was already comatose, snoring loudly in front of the TV as commercials for cars and junk food blared in the background. This was a good opportunity to tiptoe past him and out the front door, though I didn't know why I was sneaking in the first place. I was twenty; telling him where I was going was a courtesy, not a mandate. He would still worry, and he might ask follow-up questions when I got back, and I had no clue what I would even say. I was being silly. This was no different from any of our adventures back in the day. What was going to happen? There was no reason that I would need to dodge questions from Charlie, even about Jake. It's not like there was anything to tell.

I locked the front door behind me and pulled my jacket in tightly. It might've been on the warmer side for this time of year, but that didn't mean much, especially for me. I looked over my shoulder and through the living room window to make sure I hadn't woken him, but his head remained rolled back against the headrest, snoring like a buzz-saw. With that, I took off at a jog through the front yard and down around the corner, where Jake had parked his car out of sight. He was leaning against the door, arms crossed, ready to greet me with that bright white smile.

"So?" he asked expectantly. "What do you think?"

A vintage Volkswagen had always seemed like an odd choice for him. He'd first bought the body sometime before we met, and he'd been working on it as he got the money for parts. He wasn't so tall and brawny back then, and I wondered how he would fit inside. Now that I saw how well this cute, awkward little car had come together its red paint job looking shiny and new, I understood why he got it.

"It looks amazing! When did you finish it?"

"Technically it was yesterday, but that was just because I had a couple final adjustments I wanted to make. It was actually during the summer before school started."

"Then this isn't even the second time you've driven it?"

He shrugged. "Sorry, Bells. I had to make sure it wasn't going to burst into flames before I convinced you to come with me."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, opening the passenger door and sliding in. "So what's our vector, Victor?"

He gave me a wily smile "I had an idea."

We sped down the road, moving further and further away from civilization. I knew we were somewhere in La Push, but the darkness was completely throwing off my sense of direction. Once you left the confines of Forks city limits, there were nothing but redwoods and rocks for miles around, stopping only when you hit beach.

Being in the car with him like this was spooky. In a matter of minutes, I felt everything fall away, all the anxiety, the drama, the sorrow. He were just two dumb kids again, blasting the radio and sneaking out of bed to go get into trouble. It felt a little dangerous back when Charlie had the power to ground me, but now it was just exhilarating; a late night adventure without the risk of an hour-long lecture.

"You're being really vague about our destination. I'm starting to think you're taking me to a shallow ditch in the woods."

"Bella, if I wanted to kill you, I would have just put a banana peel on the floor. Besides, that's a terrible way to hide a body. Animals would dig you up in a hot minute. What're they teaching you in the social sciences, anyway?"

"The profile of a serial killer, as a matter of fact." He laughed as I regarded him with feigned suspicion.

"We're almost there, I promise. Put down the pepper spray."

After some more back-and-forth, he turned off the highway onto a rocky road, driving past a stand of trees before coming to a stop. He killed the engine, and the headlights faded to black. I stumbled out my door as my eyes struggled to adjust to the dark, listening to Jake's footsteps around the car. We were parked by a cliff overlooking the ocean. The only sounds carrying over the radio were waves lapping at the rocks and the chilly autumnal wind grazing the trees. The sky was completely clear and the moon was full, blessing everything below it with a soft, silvery light. In short, it was absolutely beautiful.

Upon further thought, it also looked like he'd taken me to some kind of 'Make-Out-Point,' like we were teenagers in an old movie. There could be some subtext here, but I was probably reading way more into it than I needed to. It wasn't a mystery why. Ever since my confession to Leah, my imagination had been especially overactive. Things were good again, or at least much better. I was trying to let him set the boundaries, to keep things going at his pace instead of mine, but the other half of my brain wasn't having it. I wanted him all the time, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I wanted to bathe in his unnatural warmth, to hug him, touch him, kiss him. I wanted to drag him into the back seat of this tiny car and have my way with him right now.

Which was the exact opposite of what I should do. The smart, logical, less horny half told me to leave that alone, that I should be thankful I was even getting his friendship back, something that was never guaranteed or even likely. Would I really bet it all for a slim chance at what I intentionally thwarted long ago? I still hadn't told him even the pared-down version of my story. Now was a terrible time to bring any romantic inclinations into the mix, but everything about the night so far was tugging at my sleeve, urging me to just lay everything out on the table. The idea got dumber the more I thought about it.

With a tiny screech of metal-on-metal, he slid down the convertible roof, exposing the stars above us. I hadn't seen them properly since the semester started. Light pollution from the city drowned them out, but here they were crystal clear.

"Ta-da!" He hopped over the side of the car and into the back seat. "Isn't she great?"

"She's awesome," I admitted. "Though I still find it weird that you give cars pronouns."

"I didn't invent the concept, Bella. People call ships 'she,' too."

"Which is also weird.

"Mhmm."

I tried to mimic Jake's maneuver over the side of the car, which was a poor choice. Jake had about a foot and a half plus eighty pounds of muscle on me, and I wondered just what I thought was going to come of that. I nearly fell forwards into the dirt, but I felt him grab me by the tail of my jacket and yank me backwards into the car. I landed in his lap with a thud, already breaking my promise that I wouldn't let myself be tempted. Laughter rumbled in his chest. I was really on a roll tonight. I felt my face turn beet red and scrambled to move onto the seat beside him. Good thing it was dark.

"You always know how to make an entrance, Bells."

He kicked his feet up onto the console. "So do you like it?" he asked, gesturing to the wide expanse of sky and sea in front of us.

"It's really beautiful," I replied. "How did you even know this was here?"

"Oh, you know. I just stumbled onto it one day in my travels."

"I thought we were being honest."

"Fine," he puffed. "You got me. I used to come here sometimes with the guys from the rez. We'd get really high and look at the stars."

His voice became distant. "I used to sleep out here sometimes, too, when the weather was good."

"Jake…"

"C'mon," he beckoned. "Scoot over. I know you're cold."

Of course I was. My teeth were already chattering. I wasn't sure that I'd ever been too warm in my life, except maybe when he fell asleep leaning on me and I couldn't move away from his burning skin without waking him up. Right now, I wanted to climb inside his jacket. Almost reluctantly, I leaned towards him, and his arm reached behind my shoulders and pulled me into his side.

"See, isn't that better?"

I shivered. "Maybe."

" 'Maybe,' " he scoffed. "I basically kept you alive during the winter. You and Charlie would have turned into the Donner party without me."

"I could have just bought a space heater. A hunk of metal can't make fun of me for being cold."

He smirked. "No, but I'm much better company."

I relented, finally letting myself relax against his body. "Fine, you win."

I propped my feet up next to his, wondering why the hell I was wearing my old converse when it was this cold. I wasn't interested in losing any of my toes to frostbite.

"I can't believe you still have those."

"The duct tape is still there, too. I told you I don't like throwing things away."

I felt his hand lightly squeeze my shoulder.

"I'm surprised you kept them. I don't think I saw them again after..." His voice trailed off, and I could see his lips tightening.

"I actually rescued them after Alice threw them in the trash," I chuckled. "If I hadn't stashed most of my old clothes away, I would have had to start college naked."

He snorted. "Well, you would have been very popular."

"And very cold."

Everything was visible under the light of the full moon. It reflected off the water, showed the swaying of the trees in the wind, but still cast a shadow over his face. There was so much that we had hidden from each other. Neither of us seemed to realize just how much there had been to conceal, and I wondered how long I would have gone not knowing about Jacob's past if things had gone the way I wanted. More than anything else, I wanted to know what had hurt him so badly that he wouldn't even come home.

"Hey Jake?" I asked, tipping my head against his shoulder.

"Mhmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"I guess I'm contractually obligated to answer, aren't I?" He sighed. "Sure, go ahead."

"When you were talking about the way things were before we met...I wanted to know why."

"It's funny," he said. "Nobody ever asked me that before."

He shifted in his seat and looked up at the sky.

"My mom was in a car accident when I was fourteen. She was on her way back from work when a black SUV ran a red light the intersection." He squeezed me tighter.

"Billy and my sisters just shut down. Nobody would talk about it or even say her name, like she never existed at all. No pictures. Nothing. It really pissed me off." He inhaled deeply. "I just couldn't be around them anymore. Not like that."

I interlaced his fingers with my own, which he eagerly accepted. I knew that his mother had passed, but Charlie made it clear to me that the subject was taboo. I'd always hoped that he would tell me, but I didn't dare broach the subject for fear of upsetting him.

"I'm not like them, you know. I can't just keep everything bottled up forever. Rachel and Becca left as soon as they could, but I was still stuck here, so I turned into a rage monster."

"I'm so sorry, Jake," I whispered. "I had no idea."

"I don't think anyone really did. I think they felt bad for us at first, but that stopped once I became a pain in their ass. Then everyone just wanted me out of their hair."

I squeezed his hand.

"Will you tell me about her?"

I felt a brief tremor in his chest.

"I will sometime. I promise."

I smiled up at him. His face was still completely enshrouded in darkness. I felt his chest rise sharply again, and then his breathing began to return to normal.

"Can I ask  _you_  something?" he asked in a low, distant voice.

"Of course."

"Why Cullen?"

Of course he picked the one thing I didn't want to get into. Edward and I never made any sense, not even from the outside, it seemed. So many people thought we made a cute couple, except for anyone who actually knew me.

"I ask myself that question every day. I guess I didn't know any better. I'd never dated anyone before and he was so obsessed with me. Nobody had ever wanted me that badly."

"I don't think that's true," he muttered.

"I think I just got reeled in, and by the time I realized what was happening, I was in too deep."

I don't know what possessed me in that moment, but I couldn't help but laugh at how ludicrous it all was.

"D'you want to know the most hilarious part of this fiasco? I didn't even love him. It took me way too long to figure that one out."

He cocked his head and looked at me. I was being careless with my words and inviting unwelcome questions, even though I wanted to answer them.

"Then why did you go out with him?"

Not tonight.

"I'll tell you some other time."

"Beeells," he whined

"I will, I swear. Just not tonight."

He sighed. "Fine. You and Leah are getting more alike everyday. Just don't leave me on a cliffhanger forever, okay?"

"What's this about Leah?"

His body suddenly stiffened at my inquiry. If her recent silence meant that she was sticking her nose in again, she was dead. I'd like sort my life out on my own for once.

"Nothing. She's just always really weird and cryptic."

"Only with certain things," I said leadingly. So she had been talking.

"You're being paranoid, Bells. I really didn't mean anything by it."

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean Leah isn't up to something."

He rolled his eyes at me. " _Anyways_ , I was going to ask how Charlie was doing."

The tension had lifted from his body, and mine followed. Sometimes it felt like we were physically linked.

"Same old, same old. As long as he can watch baseball and go fishing with Billy, he's happy as a clam. I just wish I could convince him to start dating again."

"He doesn't want to?" he asked.

"No, I think he's afraid to try. My mom didn't exactly make things easy for him after they split. He turned into such a workaholic that I think he forgot how to even talk to women. It's just been he and Billy ever since."

"Maybe our dads should just bite the bullet and date each other."

I lurched forward, bursting out in a fit of laughter.

"Can you imagine?" I gasped as my whole body shook. "They would be perfect for each other!"

"I think you might be right. Just don't tell him I said that."

"Of course," I nodded, still giggling. "They have to work that out on their own."

He laughed and buried his nose in my hair. I could feel the humming in his throat, and the sensation of his breath on the back of my neck made my hair stand on end. His lips were just behind my ear, maybe an inch away, and I could feel my heart rate beginning to pick up.

"I really missed you, Bells," he murmured in my ear, sending chills down my spine.

He had to know what he was doing to me. I was already fighting to keep myself from doing or saying something I shouldn't, but he seemed determined to make it an uphill battle. All it would take would be for me to turn my head around, just a little, and find myself nose-to-nose with him. Stay strong, Bella. 

"I missed you, too," I breathed. "A lot."

Every moment I spent with him made me realize just how much I gave up, all the time I'd wasted. Charlie was right, though: we were just kids. Dumb kids making dumb decisions because we were too immature to think anything through. I felt like I'd made great strides since then, but I wasn't past the idiotic back-and-forth of teenage romance. That was going to have to come off with a crowbar.

I didn't dare move. Feeling him this closely was torture, but so was letting it stop. Could he feel my pulse pounding, or the raggedness of my breathing? In the end, the decision was made for me. He withdrew slowly and began rummaging around in his pocket with his free hand.

"Shit, I told dad I'd be home in a half an hour."

"Got a curfew, huh?" I teased.

"Self-imposed, mostly. It's a good place to start with him."

With great reluctance, I tried to give Jacob his hand back, but he didn't let go. I could feel his eyes on me, and when I turned to meet them, I was startled by the way he looked at me. They were searching mine, like he was trying to read my mind. I could feel his breath quicken, and I was losing the will to fend off my urge to kiss him. My hormonal brain was cut off by a single, piercing howl ringing out from the forest. Jacob jumped and dropped my hand, and we both looked away.

"W-we should probably get back. Billy's waiting," I stuttered, tucking my hair behind my ear as I rose to climb out of the car.

"Yeah, you're right. I'll take you home."

I didn't want to go home, or at least, I didn't want to go home alone. I wanted him to climb back through my window with that same grin he used to wear every day. I wanted to confess everything from start to finish; the way I felt about him then, why I started seeing Edward, the way I felt about him now. I wanted him in my bed to keep me warm. I wanted to feel him under me and hear him make all those delicious sounds that kept me up at night. I wanted to hear him say my name again. It was dizzying. The entire ride back to my house felt like I had mainlined a mix of oxytocin and adrenaline.

We pulled up to the house to discover that the TV, along with the rest of the house, was completely dark. Charlie must have gone to bed not too long after I left. I closed the door to the rabbit as quietly as I could so as not to wake him, and we slowly approached my front door. We had barely come to a stop at the porch when I slid my arms around his waist to hug him goodbye.

"Thanks for tonight, Jake," I whispered.

"Glad you could come, Bells."

When I pulled back, I was greeted once again with that same expression, finally making my willpower snap in two. I reached my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his mouth urgently onto mine, digging my fingers into the fabric of his shirt. I'd waited almost three years for this, but this wasn't how I wanted it to go. It should have been that night in the garage, or at the beach party, or at least before I had the chance to screw things up between us. When I pulled away and looked at him again, he was staring open-mouthed and blinking. I knew at that exact moment that I had fucked up.

"Oh my god," I groaned, burying my face in both hands as I stumbled backwards. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Bella…"

"I'm sorry, Jake," I called back, closing the front door behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment, if you're so inclined.


	13. Seven Minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no place like home for the holidays
> 
> No matter how far you try to run

When I awoke the next morning, I was immediately assaulted by my memory of the night before. I could still feel his mouth on mine, the dark musky scent of his hair, the way he so perfectly fit with me, even if it was just for a second. I was going to have to text Leah and give her the Reader's Digest version of the evening ahead of time to avoid more weirdness, if that was even possible. Sometimes I wondered if my self-destructive tendencies came from Charlie or Renee, or If I was simply starting a new family tradition. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was getting late, and I wanted to make sure I would have time to chill the dough for the pie. Baking would be a good distraction.

I slunk down the old wooden steps to the living room, lured by the hum of the TV and smell of cinnamon carrying throughout the house. I passed it by on my way to the kitchen to find the Rockettes doing their usual routine. Their costumes were so tiny, and I wondered how they didn't freeze their asses off, even in just fifteen minutes outside. The parade was always my favorite thing about the holiday growing up, the floats, the performances, the stupid commercials. It was the perfect way to come alive before the hubbub of dinner and relatives. After my grandfather died, there wasn't really anyone from my father's side of the family, so Thanksgiving became just an assortment of Renee's dysfunctional relations. As much as I hated it growing up, I was oddly glad that I was the only person my age in the family.

Charlie was in the kitchen, pulling cinnamon buns out of the oven to cool while coffee dripped into the pot. I trudged through to the table, where I dropped into my seat and laid my head down on the cold wooden top. He looked at me from over his shoulder and shook his head.

"Looks like we've switched places. I'm the productive one in the morning and you're the grouch."

"Sounds about right," I grumbled. "All I need is a trash can to crawl into. It's where I belong."

"I take it things didn't go well with Jacob last night."

I should have known that he would have checked on me before he went to bed. Either he was still holding onto some of that over-protectiveness, or he was getting way too good at his detective work.

"They went well, until they didn't," I said, propping my head up on the table with my hands while I watched the coffee pot fill up, like watching grains of sand through an hourglass.

He fixed us each a plate and presented mine at the table before pouring me the only cup that the pot had managed to squeeze out so far.

"Put your foot in your mouth again?"

"Sort of." I leaned back and began unraveling my breakfast.

His eyes narrowed. "What does that mean?"

"It means that I let my dumb-ass feelings get the better of me and did something unbelievably stupid.I might have just set things back by about a million years." I stared down at the dark black liquid in my cup as if I were staring into the void, screaming silently. I was still waiting for it to scream back.

"What, did you punch him?" he chuckled.

"No, I kissed him."

Charlie's eyebrows shot upwards, and then he quickly diverted his eyes outside the kitchen window.

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow," I echoed. I shook my head.

"I still love him, Dad," I said quietly. "And it's making everything twice as difficult."

"That'll usually do it. Were you planning on telling him?"

I nibbled at another piece. My fingers were covered in frosting, and I was having trouble keeping it from getting all over everything. I was a mess in every aspect of life.

"No. At least, not for a while. That's way too much to spring on a person that you just recently started talking to again, though I guess it isn't much of a secret now. Either way, I think I just poisoned the well."

He continued looking out the window, almost as if he didn't want to look at me. Talking about relationships, especially with his daughter, must have been a very peculiar experience for him. I still wondered to this day if he had ever really gotten over my mom.

"I wouldn't worry about it too much, Bella," he said, raising his mug. " You should keep trying. I've got a feeling everything's going to work itself out."

I sighed heavily. "I hope you're right."

Charlie stood up and patted my shoulder. He smiled and picked up his plate.

"C'mon, kiddo. Let's go watch the parade."

* * *

Her lips were on mine again, kissing me as if it were our last night on earth. My hands were around her waist, pulling her closer and closer while I tried not to snap her in half. She had crawled into my lap, sliding her hands up my shoulders and under my jacket to peel it off of me. I threaded my hands through her hair, pressing her as tightly against me as I could. My hand worked its way under the hem of her shirt, and she turned her attention to my neck, making an involuntary moan rumble in my chest. Her hands were moving with such urgency, yanking my shirt over my head so she could explore my chest with her fingertips, and the swelling in my jeans was getting even worse, thanks in part to the way she rubbed against it as she straddled me. Mine. All mine. I needed more of her before I burst out of sheer lust. I had barely rid her of her own shirt when her hand began traveling down my chest to the button of my pants, suddenly popping it open. I couldn't catch my breath for a second without Bella trying to undermine it. She had rendered me completely defenseless with her tiny fingers. Her mouth moved from behind my ear, nipping and sucking down my neck, my chest, my stomach, until she was kneeling on the floor in front of me, her fingers creeping underneath the waistband of my pants…

I was jerked back to consciousness by a sharp knocking.

"You up, Jacob? It's pretty late," said a muffled voice through the bedroom door. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"Yeah, Dad. I'll be out in a minute."

"Alright...Just make sure you're ready to go soon. I told Harry we'd be over at three."

"Got it."

I yanked off the blanket to find a raging hard-on trying to escape of my boxers. Fantastic; another item added to my to-do list. I thought that dirty dreams about her were supposed to stay in high school where they belonged, but they had returned with a vengeance as of late, and it was making it difficult to get anything done. I fell back on the pillow, gazing up at the ceiling. Last night was a rollercoaster: feeling Bella under my arm again, telling her about my mom, the way she looked at me, the kiss, her immediate departure after the kiss, all way more than I'd bargained for. The girl was a mystery. I thought I had things figured out for once, but she continued to surprise me.

And holy shit, did it surprise me. I'd been feeling something all night, a weird energy that emanated from her when she looked into my eyes that chipped away at my willpower was testing the limits of how far I was prepared to take this before stopping myself, like playing chicken with myself. It felt like she might be testing them too. I shouldn't let my self control go out the window when there was still more to talk about, not that this would last for very long. My hand began to slowly journey south of the elastic.

She was so close to me the entire night. I remembered back when just feeling her hair brush against my neck was enough to provoke that kind of response. It was a good thing that I wasn't so pathetically virginal anymore, or I might have lost that battle. But even now, the scent of her shampoo and her skin wafting upward with my mouth just inches from her throat was threatening to send me into overdrive. My breath caught, and my grip tightened.

And then she kissed me. I still wasn't one hundred percent sure that it really happened, because all brain function immediately took a nosedive immediately afterward. Her skin was so soft, and she tasted just like I'd always imagined she should, but it wasn't gentle. There was an aggressive undertone to it, to the way she grabbed me, pulling me into her like she was about to ship off to Vietnam or something. It all happened too fast. Before I could pull her back and keep her there, she was gone. In retrospect, this boner might be the same one. My pace was quickening.

"Jacob?" called Billy.

"Goddamnit," I muttered. "Yes?"

"Can you help me with something in here?"

Feeling defeated, I let go and swung my legs over the side of the bed.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

A tepid shower and trying to play nice with my father granted me a much clearer head than I'd had earlier this morning. I'd been hung up on the fun parts of last night, and not putting any thought into what the hell happened at the end. She kisses me, gets upset, apologizes, and then runs off. If she hadn't wanted to kiss me, then she did a poor job of showing it. The apology was probably the biggest thread to unravel. Maybe she thought I didn't want it, or maybe there were some details she was omitting. The idea filled me with a vague kind of dread, and I quickly shoved it into the back corner of my mind.

I'd always liked the Clearwater's house. It was warm and lively, and they were always happy to see you. If I hadn't been such an ass in high school, maybe I could have been here instead of the edge of a cliff. Seth was a nice kid, despite all my efforts, and there was a growing respect between Leah and I, though I still didn't entirely trust her not to make my life more difficult purely for her amusement. When Billy and I arrived, it was exactly as I remembered it, but with the addition of Bella and the chief.

"Hey you two!" Sue shouted from the stove. Harry and Seth came over to greet us.

"How's school treating you?"

"Kicking my ass, actually, but I'm adapting. It's good to be home."

Harry smiled, and his eyes quickly darted down to my dad, and then back to me.

"That's good to hear."

Charlie was helping Sue pull something heavy out of the oven while Bella watched over a pot on the stove.

"Hey, Charlie!"

"How's it going, Billy?" He nodded to me. "Hey, Jacob."

"Hey, Charlie. Good to see you." Bella was looking right at me, and I froze.

"...Hi."

"...Hi."

I could feel everyone's eyes on us in as the awkward pause grew. Harry and Dad were looking at Charlie, their eyebrows pressed together, but he simply rolled his eyes and went back to helping Sue. Leah was chopping something and tossing it into a baking dish, but stopped to grin at me, a huge kitchen knife glistening in her hand. Why would any sane person hand her a knife? I wheeled him to the kitchen table next to Harry and sat down beside him, but I knew I wasn't going to escape any questions from my dad.

Billy leaned over to me. "What the hell was that all about?" he whispered.

"I'll tell you later," I whispered back, trying not to fan the flames.

"Anything we can help with over there, Sue?" I asked in an effort to distract him.

"Nope, you all just relax. It won't be too long before dinner's ready."

Dad and Harry began chatting about something, but I didn't hear a word of it. I was too preoccupied. I caught myself stealing glances at her constantly, as if she was going to sneak out the back door when I wasn't looking. Maybe I was the one who was paranoid. Every now and again, I saw her sneaking a peek as well, though I was worried about her being so close to a heating element while distracted. What was she thinking about? Was she going to tell me what was going on, or was I going to have to guess? Leah suddenly appeared at my side to intrude on my thoughts

"Hey, space cadet." She presented me with a large basket filled with rolls. "Time to make yourself useful."

"Uh, sure," I said, tearing my eyes away from Bella, who was dishing things up for Sue.

"Are you gonna be like this all night, Black? You're freaking the dads out."

"Shut up," I barked, yanking it out of her hands and setting it on the table.

I hoped I wasn't going to be like this all night. Bella and I had just stopped acting weird around each other when we were alone; acting normal with an audience was harder, and even more so now. I was going to need some answers soon, or I might go off the deep end.

A parade of serving dishes found their way onto the table, piled high with potatoes, casseroles, and every other stereotypical Thanksgiving offering you could come up with. This would easily be the best I'd eaten in well over a year, thanks to my laziness and general lack of regard for my health. My habits hadn't changed much since my growth spurt, which had made me eat nearly ten of everything, and I realized halfway through a scoop of stuffing that I had piled my plate higher than anyone else. Charlie had sat down beside me, ensuring that I was flanked by dads, which appeared to be some cruel joke from fate or from Clearwater. For someone who had been on the police force for over a decade, Charlie did not have a good poker face. Despite the lively atmosphere at the table, there was some kind of glance-off happening between me, Bella, our dads, and an ever- snickering Leah. Having so much food in front of me made it easier to devote my attention elsewhere.

"Hey Bella, how are you liking Washington State?" asked Sue, trying to steer the subject away from baseball. Once Charlie and Harry got started, there was no stopping them.

"It's good. My program has a lot of great classes, but it's getting a little crazy now that I'm starting the upper-level ones. I'm going to have to really buckle down once I get back."

"I still can't believe you turned down Dartmouth only to get stuck with my sister," Seth laughed, only for Leah to kick him under the table with a thump and a disapproving glare.

What? Why the hell would she be here if got in? And why didn't she tell me? I was going to be sure to dig into that later. She flushed and looked down at her food, scooting a stray carrot out of a puddle of gravy.

"Oh, you know. I didn't want to be so far from Charlie. I can see him a lot more often this way."

"And in-state is so much cheaper," Leah chimed in reassuringly. "Dartmouth is private, too. Nothing but with a horde of Winklevoss clones."

"Yeah," she chuckled weakly. "I'd only get whiter."

"Not possible," I added, briefly looking up at her from my fork. She immediately blushed and covered her mouth with a napkin.

Smooth, Black. Way to throw everyone off the scent. Not only that, but those were the second and third words you'd said to her all day. I didn't have more to offer, at least not until we had another minute alone, which I wasn't anticipating tonight, unless I could find some way to steal her away for a while. I needed to know what happened and why, and I prayed that I wasn't going to have to be  _that_  honest with her tonight, because I was woefully unprepared. But the sun was setting, and there was a great view from the edge of the Clearwater's property. It was worth a shot.

Charlie and Harry were groaning about how full they were for their entire trip from the table to the living room, where a football game was playing on the TV. Leah and Seth were working on clearing and washing dishes while everyone made room for dessert, and Bella was finishing loading the leftovers into a massive tupperware.

"Hey, Bells," I started from behind her. She let out a high pitched squeak and dropped the lid onto the counter, attracting the attention of everyone in the house.

"You okay in there, kiddo?" Charlie shouted from the couch.

"I'm fine."

She turned around to face me, leaning backwards against the counter, and I realized that I was standing too close. I quickly stepped back and cleared my throat.

"Sorry. I was just wondering if you wanted to take a walk."

"Uhh, yeah," she said, quickly looking over at Leah, who was nodding encouragingly. "Just let me finish this up."

A loud buzzing came from the counter beside the stove. Sue's phone was vibrating, and inching perilously close to the edge before she snatched it up.

"Hello? Oh hey, Em. How're you doing?"

I could see Leah seizing up like rapid-onset rigor mortis, nearly breaking a plate in the sink. Emily was still technically family, so it wasn't as if her parents could shut her out forever.

"I see. Well we're just cleaning up here, so there's a bit of a break while the game is on. Are you bringing...of course. I'll see you then." Sue ended the call and put her hand on Leah's shoulder.

"She wanted to come say hello. She hasn't seen any of us in ages."

"It's almost like there's a good reason for that or something," she growled.

"I know it's still pretty raw, baby. We'll all understand if you want to take Bella and cut out early."

She looked over at Bella, her eyes pleading with her to provide an escape, and she nodded in reply.

"Sorry, Jake." She looked down and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I guess I'll have to take a rain-check."

"Sure, I understand." I did, but I was still disappointed and frustrated at the prospect of spending another night alone with my brain. "Do you want me to drive you guys? I think Charlie is going to want to stick around for a while."

"That would be great, actually. Leah, d'you have your bag?"

"Yeah," she replied gruffly, wiping her hands on a dishtowel and kissing her mother on the cheek before we made our way to the door.

The ride back to the Swan house was quiet. Leah was the quietest I'd ever seen her while also being that shade of red. I'd been anticipating a rant accompanied by a lot of creative insults, and what I got was silent fuming. It was completely dark, and the headlights were the only thing lighting the way back. We turned the corner and up the driveway to the house, when we were greeted with an obstacle: A silver Lexus parked in front of the porch, and a pair of almost yellow eyes reflecting the light from the rabbit. I'd know that face anywhere.

I could feel my body surging with white-hot rage, as if my very skin had become a heating element. I could already feel myself reverting back to that monster I was before, the one who punched first and asked questions later. This asshole wasn't coming anywhere near her. Without thinking, I leapt out of the car, slamming the door behind me loudly enough to wake the entire neighborhood. Bella came stumbling after me, her face frozen in shock.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here?" I shouted.

"I think that's pretty obvious," he sneered.

"I'm here to pick up my fiancée."


	14. Ringing In My Ears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thought he'd already lived through his worst nightmare.

_I'm here to pick up my fiancee._

The words burned in my ears. I felt nauseous. If my constitution was even the slightest bit weaker, I would have passed out. A hundred thoughts circled in my head, but each one slipped between my fingers like grains of sand. She told me that they broke up; angrily, defensively. She avoided me like the plague for weeks, just like she did before, as if I were her enemy. Every time we spoke, it was away from prying eyes, either in the dark of night or in some isolated place. She had another secret to tell me, something she wasn't ready to reveal, and it may have just revealed itself. Again.

I wheeled around to look at her, knowing full well what I must have looked like. My fists were clenched at my sides and I took slow, ragged breaths, trying with everything I had not to lose the control I had worked so long and so hard for. Tell me he's delusional, Bella. Tell me he's lying. Tell me anything to make this stop.

"Bella, what is he talking about?" 

"He…" she croaked, unable to choke out another word.

Her eyes darted back and forth between us like a tennis match, and she swallowed hard. So I was right: there was something else.

"I've already made the arrangements, my love," he said in that smooth, sickly-sweet voice that made me want to vomit. "My dad knows the dean of admissions, so all we had to do was put in a call to get you all set up. Let's get you out of this dump and back where you belong."

He opened the passenger door and gestured for her to follow into its dark leather interior. The color completely vanished from her face.

"You're leaving?"

It didn't feel like a question. I could feel myself practically vibrating with anger, as if something was preparing to burst out of my skin. I tried to steady myself, but I couldn't concentrate with pure adrenaline pumping through my veins. My brain could only form one coherent thought:

_Please, don't leave. Stay with me. Don't leave me again._

"She's not going anywhere with you, you fucking psycho!" Leah howled, wrapping her arms protectively around Bella and steering her away from Cullen. Bella still wasn't making a sound, and it was her silence that terrified me the most.

"I wasn't talking to you," he hissed.

He approached them slowly with a cold, soulless smile plastered on his pasty while face. He was the same douchebag I remembered, dressed in dark slacks and a fitted wool peacoat, his blonde hair perfectly coiffed, and reeking of some terrible cologne that burned my nose, like a J. Crew ad brought to life. I wondered if he'd ever even touched the dirty ground in his life. Maybe I'd get the opportunity to introduce them.

"Bella, darling, let's stop with the charade already. It's alright now," he crooned. He reached out his hand to take hers before Leah yanked her away. 

It was happening all over again. This piece of shit had showed up again, out of nowhere, to whisk her away to parts unknown. She told me she wanted me back in her life, that she was here to stay, but words are cheap. She promised me. Leah promised me. The first time she slowly faded away, but now I was going to watch her leave me behind again in real time. The thought tore at me from the inside out. I didn't know how I would ever be able to recover from this.

He pulled out a small, bright blue box from his coat pocket and held it out to give it to her.

"I even brought your ring."

It was true. I watched in horror as this slimeball opened the box, revealing a diamond that could probably be seen from space.

"I gave you some space, but I knew that with time, you'd come to your senses."

Bella seemed to suddenly regain control of her faculties, and broke free of Leah's embrace. Her expression was no longer fear, but anger. I could see flames in her eyes, as if she were daring him to open his mouth again again. I'd had a small taste of this before, but this was unlike anything I'd seen within her yet. I was utterly lost. She stuffed her phone in Leah's hand.

"'Space'?" she scoffed, shoving his hand away. "'Space'? Is that what you call a fucking restraining order? What part of 'two hundred yards' is confusing to you?"

This flood of information was making my head spin. Though I was relieved to see her refute my worst fears, that didn't mean the fear was gone; in fact, it pulsed throughout my body, turning my blood ice cold. It was all I could do to stop myself from grabbing her and speeding off, far away from this nutcase.

Leah began furiously swiping through Bella's phone, but Cullen didn't take his eyes off Bella for a second.

"I'm tired of playing games with you," his voice raising in anger. "I hope you had fun with your little hard-to-get routine, but it's getting old." He reached out again to take her hand, and she jerked backwards as if it were a snake.

"You keep you filthy fucking hands off of her," I bellowed, practically leaping the distance between us.

"What, you're trying to make me jealous now, Bella? That's the oldest trick in the book." He looked me up and down with a look of thinly veiled disgust, and glared back at her. "Are you fucking him?"

"That is  _none_  of your business!" she snapped, delivering a sharp shove to the chest that made him retreat.

"Enough!" He grabbed her roughly by the arm, pulling her away from me. " _Get. In the car. Now."_

Before I could even react, Leah hurtled towards him and landed a punch squarely in his face. He gasped and stumbled backward, clutching his nose. Blood was running down his lips and all over his hands, hopefully ruining his shirt to add insult to injury. Leah was growing on me more and more.

Leah panted and admired her bloody fist, then turned back to check on her friend.

"I keep my promises, Swan," she said, beaming with pure satisfaction.

"You bitch!" He yelped in surprise. He wiped his nose on the back of his hand. "You're going to pay for that. I'll sue you into the ground and my uncle will have you locked up for assaulting me. But don't worry: I'm sure your little gangbanger brother will be right behind you. You can have a little family reunion."

Bella stepped forward, thrusting herself into his face and locking eyes with his. I was completely stunned by the fire that seemed to burn within her, that little spark I saw once or twice fanned into wildfire. 

"Don't you  _ever_  speak about them like that again. They're better people than you'll ever be, though I guess that's a pretty low bar to clear, isn't it? You're just trash, Edward. Expensive, whiny trash that can't get anywhere without daddy's money. How much did your acceptance letter cost?"

His face turned beet red, and he looked like he was about to snap. A deafening crack rang out as his palm made contact with her face, knocking her onto the ground.

"How dare you! After everything I've done for you! Do we really need to have this discussion again?"

That was it. There was nothing keeping me tethered to the earth anymore but her, and he'd laid hands on Bella for the very last time in his miserable life. I wasn't worried about going too far this time. I didn't even care if I killed him. I'd at least be able to sleep at night knowing that he'd never touch her again.

I lunged, knocking him on his back, and went to work on him hoping that the damage I inflicted would permanently ruin his pretty face. No amount of money would help him lure in vulnerable girls if his he looked like a Picasso. He squirmed underneath me, slowly turning red and purple as I struck him over and over again. I couldn't hear the insults and obscenities that came tumbling out of my mouth, and I didn't know how long I'd been on him anymore, or if I could even stop. He was as good as dead.

The roar of an engine came up behind, the headlights nearly blinding me. I was mid-blow when I looked up from Cullen's purple visage to find Charlie and Harry jumping out of his truck.

"Jacob! Where is she?" he shouted, his face etched with alarm.

"I've got her, Chief!" Leah replied, kneeling on the ground while she attempted to calm a sobbing Bella.

"Charlie..." I panted, trying to come back to reality. I looked up at him, my hands skinned and red with Edward's blood.

Flashing lights had not been far behind him. A police car rolled up behind, and one of Charlie's coworkers stepped out. Holy shit. Charlie was going to haul me into the station, wasn't he? I could only imagine what Billy would say. He instead placed his hand on my shoulder and motioned for me to stand.

"It's okay, Jake," he said solemnly as I shakily rose to my feet. He set his jaw and glowered down at the pathetic worm wriggling in the dirt.

Every part of me was shaking like a leaf with no singular cause or explanation. The fury had been interrupted, now coasting to a stop, but my body was still struggling to comprehend what had just occurred. Of course I had hit people before. Sometimes it was just a little sparring for kicks, and sometimes it was because some asshole needed to be set straight, though there was probably no way to punch the asshole out of Paul. But this, this was something raw and primal that I didn't know I had in me, something that would take over my body if I let it. I'd always suspected it was there, but now I had proof, and it frightened me. I finally realized that hot tears were running down my face.

"We're gonna take care of it, Jake," he murmured, squeezing my shoulder. "It's gonna be okay."

I could only nod. The fog over my eyes began to clear, and I whipped my head around looking for Bella.

"Black! Come help me."

Leah had managed to get her upright, though it looked like she was having trouble keeping her there. Bella's face was buried in her shoulder, whimpering as her friend stroked her hair. I wrapped my arms around them both, sandwiching her in the middle as if to make a human shield. There were no words for any of this, just an amorphous sensation of panic and exhaustion trying to overtake me. The red and blue lights bounced off of her chestnut hair as I watched her father push Cullen's head down and into the cruiser, slamming the door shut.

"Let's get her inside."

Leah pulled away, and I swept my arms under Bella's knees and into my arms, hugging her firmly to my chest. She yelped quietly, balling up my shirt in her grasp.

"Jake," she croaked, stifling a sob. I was tempted to join her, but I stopped myself. I needed to stay strong and not let myself fall apart, too. I wasn't sure that was actually going to work out, but I was going to try for her sake.

"It's okay, Bells," I whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I've got you."

Leah led the way up the stairs to Bella's room. Entering her room through the door felt strange, but seeing it looking exactly the same as the night before made it surreal. Only twenty-four hours ago, she was laughing and smiling as if everything was right with the world, even though she was still burdened with that monster. She just held my hand and talked about her classes. I dug up those memories just to satisfy my curiosity and my mistrust, and she let me. I should have left it alone and just sat there with her under the stars.

I laid her down in the middle of her bed and sat on the edge behind her. Her eyes were swollen and red, and a black cloud was forming along her cheekbone. Hair was sticking to her face, and the right half of her body was smudged with dirt. Leah began rifling through the duffel bag on the floor.

"I'm going to get her changed."

"I can do it, Leah," she croaked. "I'm not a baby."

She took the giant shirt out of Leah's hands and began clumsily taking her jacket off, followed by her pants. This was the last way I ever thought I'd be this close to a naked Bella, but that was the furthest thing from my mind. I turned away to give her some privacy, even though some irrational part of my brain was refusing to let her out of my sight for even a second. When she was done, she reached around me and grabbed my hand. Her eyes were glistening with tears that were on the verge of escape.

"Don't go," she breathed, her lower lip trembling. I squeezed her hand.

"I won't. I promise."

She tugged on me like a child pleading with her mother, beckoning me to the space next to her. I looked at Leah, almost as if I were trying to get her permission. She sighed and gave me a half smile.

"I'm going to give you guys a minute. I'll be downstairs with Dad."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes as she crossed the wood floor and shut the door behind her.

I peeled off my jacket and shoes to fulfill Bella's silent request, though I wished I had sweatpants with me. Whatever. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I stripped down to my shirt and boxers, somehow feeling weirdly shy about it all, and slid into the bed next to her. She immediately wrapped her arm around my waist and buried her face in my chest. I held her tightly against me as a new wet spot began to form on my shirt. Her tiny frame trembled, shaking more with every muffled gasp. It wasn't long before I had no choice but to follow her example.

I didn't have the strength to contain it anymore. I had been trying to hold myself together for so long that I forgot how deep this pain ran, how much it was shaping who I was. Bella was right before: we couldn't hold onto all of this guilt and sadness anymore. The grief of losing my mother and then Bella, the heart-pounding rage that never truly subsided, and the relentless fear that I was going to lose her all over again, and myself in the process, had been eating me alive. But those walls had finally begun to crumble under their own weight, and I came tumbling down with them.

I cradled the back of her head in my hand, bringing it gently against me while I heaved. My face rested against the top of her head, no doubt soaking her scalp. I needed to feel her there with me so badly I couldn't breathe. I needed to stay right here and never leave. She sniffed and lifted her head to look at me. They were completely flooded, but I could see the concern in her soft brown eyes.

"Jake," she whispered, carefully brushing my long hair away from my face. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't look directly back at her.

"Are you okay?"

I nearly choked on my own laugh, wiping my eyes with the back of my arm.

"You're asking if  _I'm_  okay?"

"Yeah, I am," she squeaked.

"No, but I'm working on it."

She started stroking my back, and I tried to swallow what was left for long enough to speak in complete sentences. The endorphin rush was wearing off, and I could feel my knuckles beginning to sting. She nuzzled into my neck the same way that she used to, when we were younger and dumber and happier.

"I'm sorry," I breathed.

"What could you possibly have to be sorry for? You just knocked a guy out defending my honor," she chuckled weakly.

"For doubting you." The air seemed to stand still.

"I was so fucking scared, Bells." Keep it together, Black.

"I thought you were leaving again. It all just came back to me and I wasn't thinking straight anymore. And all that shit about Dartmouth and calling you his fia-"

I cut myself off. I couldn't bear to even say the word. He wasn't saying it idly, either. He'd whipped out a rock that probably cost more than his car, and I saw the way her face contorted she she looked at it. I needed to know, but that could wait. Patience was never my strong suit.

"I made you a promise, Jake, and I meant it. I'm staying right here."

Goddamnit. Here come the waterworks again. I tried to keep them back, with little success.

"I know." My voice was cracking. I let the words linger, squeezing her even closer.

"I've never been so angry in my entire life. I completely lost my mind. I thought I was going to kill him. I  _wanted_  to kill him."

I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't have, if it came right down to it. I could have put him in a coma just for speaking to her that way. The world certainly would have been better off losing a Cullen, but prison would have put a major damper on my plans. Regardless, anyone who tried to hurt her from now on would be writing their own death sentence.

"I almost wish you did."

"Oh yeah?" I chuckled. "Do you promise to visit me in prison?"

"They wouldn't send you to prison for killing Edward Cullen. They'd probably give you an award."

She sniffed, her grip on my arm slowly beginning to loosen. A tiny smile played on her lips as her breath slowed, blowing softly against my collarbone.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Anything for you, Bells."

Someone tapped softly on the door.

"Come in," Bella said, wiping her eyes and trying to sit up against the pillow.

"Hey, kiddo."

Charlie and Leah slowly filed in. He was still white as a sheet, and seemed to be examining her from top to bottom. She turned her head, exposing the other side of her face, and his eyes began to well up. She stepped off the bed and into his arms.

"Baby girl," he sniffed, stroking the back of her head while his shoulders shook around her. "I swear to god, Bella, he's not-"

"It's okay, Dad. I'm okay."

He pulled away, nodding wordlessly at the floor. He looked up at Leah and I.

"There's some things I need to take care of at the station before I can call it a night."

"Don't worry, Chief," Leah answered, hugging him from the side. "Jake and I can take it from here."

"Alright, then. Try to get some sleep, kids."

Leah closed the door behind him and allowed a moment to take us in, which is when I realized that Bella and I had been pantsless the entire time. Poor Charlie didn't need another reason to freak out tonight. She crawled over my legs onto the other side of the bed, wrapping her arm around Bella's shoulders. Tonight had been a ceaseless assault on my psyche, along with everyone else, and I was glad to have backup. I could be certain that she would be taken care of.

"Hey, babe."

"Hey, Lee." She looked over to her friend and smiled. "You're a real life-saver, you know that?"

"Believe me, it was my pleasure."

A moment later, the smile began to vanish from her face. I sat upright beside her as she raked both hands through her hair, her elbows propped up on her knees. Her lower lip began to tremble. I couldn't stand to see her like this, and I was going to do everything in my power to make sure I never would again.

"I guess it's time I told you guys the story."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading! This was the one scene I knew I was going to write from the very beginning of this story, and I'm glad I finally made it. 
> 
> Please leave your thoughts in the comments!


	15. Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot can happen in six months. 
> 
> For example, it could get a lot worse.

I'd been sitting in this chair for well over an hour now. Since we met, Alice had convinced me to spend an untold number of hours at her vanity table. I'd been letting her paint my face and abuse my hair, all for the sake of 'beauty.' She wasn't entirely wrong on that front; I never thought I looked more beautiful than when Alice had worked her magic on me, but it still felt wrong. I didn't recognize the person looking back at me in her brightly lit mirror. I felt photoshopped, like I had fallen into the uncanny valley. Alice always had fun with it, but these makeovers were starting to feel more like a requirement than a girl-bonding thing. Tonight she was running the gamut: spritzing, blending, highlighting, curling, and every other ridiculous and borderline insane thing a person could do with my top half. She chattered away about her boyfriend Jasper, who was a music major and two years older than her, which somehow didn't bother her parents. I wasn't sad that he couldn't make it tonight; his stare was intense and incredibly unnerving.

She of course had been ready hours ago, needing only another ten minutes to slip out of her satin robe and into her dress and heels before we walked out the door. I was used to her obsessing over every little detail when we were playing dress-up, but she seemed especially diligent tonight. I guessed it made sense; her father was being honored for the twenty years he had spent working in that network of hospitals at their annual gala in Port Angeles. All the executives and his colleagues would be there with their spouses, along with the hospital's biggest donors. The whole affair had me biting my nails for the week leading up, for which I was seriously reprimanded by Alice. It was all I could do to keep her from forcing fake nails on me. The false eyelashes were bad enough. They were itchy and when we got in the car to head home, they would be the first things to go. Well, maybe the second after my shoes.

I was suddenly enveloped by a cloud of hairspray, which might as well have been mustard gas for the effect it had on my eyes and lungs. This had to mean that the end was nigh, right? She had definitely worn me down, but I still had limits on how long I was willing to sit there.

"Done!" she chirped, combing out a couple large waves in my hair with her fingertips. She backed up and placed her hands on her hips to take in the whole picture, clearly very satisfied with her handiwork.

"I've outdone myself this time. Edward is gonna flip."

I winced at the word. It was far more accurate a statement than she realized. I was crossing my fingers that things would work out the way she intended rather than what came to mind.

She glanced over at the clock sitting on her bedside table. Her room looked like something out of the Pottery Barn catalog, all white and pastels with a small chandelier hanging from its vaulted ceiling.

"Oh, shoot. We're running behind schedule. Now we only have seven minutes to get dressed. I don't want to cut into the buffer time if we don't have to."

She padded hastily over to her bed, hastily shedding her robe to reveal the complicated infrastructure of undergarments underneath, which I'd learned were mandatory for dresses like these. Even as tiny as she was, Alice insisted on torturing herself in order to flatten some body parts and squish others upward. Laid out on her pink satin bedspread were our dresses, and based on what I'd already seen, I was not excited to spend three hours in this one. Mine was a dark green strapless number that was long enough to drag on the ground, even with four inch heels. Navigating cocktail hour was going to be seriously hazardous to my health, and the back was so low that I wondered what was going to hold up the front half. If the brief fitting session was any indication, it was going to be exceptionally form-fitting, ensuring that I probably wasn't going to eating much tonight unless my food was cool with spending the evening sitting in my esophagus.

"Bella, come on! Time is of the essence!"

She twirled around for me to help her zip her dress, which was a soft blue with a sleeveless illusion neckline and a tulle skirt, which complimented her light complexion and dark brunette bob. I begrudgingly began trying to wiggle into my own, squeezing as much air out of my lungs as possible so Alice could hook the top button, which sat just above the top of my tailbone. I was starting to wonder if I'd accidentally moon someone if I bent over, or just split the seam running vertically down my backside. She started digging through her jewelry box, finally pulling out a necklace and clasping it around my neck. It was a delicate white gold chain that merged together at my chest into a small waterfall of diamonds. She pressed a pair of matching earrings into my hand. Knowing the Cullens, the set was probably worth more than I'd saved working at Mike's store.

"Jeez, Alice. I know it's black tie and all, but don't you think this is a bit much?"

"It's a big night! You should look special. And besides, it ties your whole ensemble together."

I sighed, grabbing my shoes and purse. There was no way I would be attempting the stairs with those things on.

Carlisle and Esme met us at the front door, literally and figuratively sparkling with excitement. Carlisle was looking as dashing as ever, even more with is model of a wife on his arm.

"Oh, you two look absolutely stunning!" Esme clapped her hands together.

"Thank you." I blushed. "Where's Edward?"

"Oh, he had to pick up his tux from the tailor," Esme replied. "He's going to meet us there."

"Speaking of which." Alice checked her phone. "We need to get going soon or we'll be late."

The hospital had rented an enormous ballroom at a hotel downtown. It was richly decorated, with tall floral centerpieces towering over the dozens of tables laid out in front of the stage. There were easily be two hundred people here, and I could already feel my anxiety starting to set in. There were going to be tons of introductions and even more names from previous functions that I'd be expected to remember, which of course I didn't. Any excitement I may have had for this was rapidly turning to dread.

"Darling," came a smooth, almost musical voice behind me. I turned around to find Edward in his tux and black bow tie, looking like a mini-Carlisle, or maybe just a Ken doll. He kissed my hand, and then my lips.

"You look like a princess," he murmured.

"You look wonderful too, Edward." I probably didn't sound very convincing, but it was hard to stay focused on anything but the hordes of people surrounding me on all sides. He grabbed two glasses of champagne off the tray of a passing waiter, and handed one to me.

"Come, let's go greet everyone." He offered me his free arm and lead me away to make the rounds. I gulped and tried to prepare myself for the onslaught.

My energy was depleting with every colleague and associate and wife I met. Smiling constantly for forty-five minutes was hurting my face, and I could feel the muscles twitching with every passing attempt. The first few balls and fundraising events the Cullens brought me to really did make me feel like a princess, with the family and their friends fawning over me and telling Edward what a catch I was. I'd never felt like a catch; I was the one you threw back into the lake. But it didn't take long for these to turn into a chore. It was becoming more akin to a prize heifer being paraded around the county fair, and Edward seemed to enjoy basking in the attention it won him.

"Bella!" Alice tottered over to me in her Louboutins. Thank god. I was saved.

"Quit monopolizing Bella, big brother. Let me have a turn."

"Fine." He kissed me on the cheek. "I'll come find you in a bit, love."

There was no doubt that he would. He always seemed to know where I was. I rarely had a moment's peace at these things, not even in the goddamn bathroom.

Alice led me away by the hand towards our table. I stumbled, turning my ankle out and nearly twisting it in the process.

"Oh my gosh, Bella," she squealed. "Come on, let's get you a seat before you break both your ankles."

"Good thing we're surrounded by doctors," I quipped nervously. I slid down into my gilded chiavari chair, sighing out all the stress of the cocktail hour and unscrewing my smile. I hadn't eaten since lunch, and the champagne was making me tired but doing nothing to take the edge off.

I completely spaced out. Once again, Alice was content to talk my ear off about whatever was going on in her friend group while I nodded periodically to keep her pacified. I wasn't even halfway through, but I already wanted to go home. Esme and Carlisle approached as they waved goodbye to another couple. The...Fitzgeralds? I'd long since lost track. They took their seats next to Alice.

"Dad, when are they giving out the awards?"

"Before dinner, I think. It should be soon. The natives are getting restless," he added with a teasing smile.

I seriously hoped not. None of the hors d'oeuvres had crossed my path, and I was beginning to feel a little jittery. Another half hour of long-winded speeches was not going to end well for me, but we were at a V.I.P. table right in front of the stage, and I was obligated to at least pretend I was listening. All of Carlise's friends were taking their seats at the nearby tables. They seemed to be surrounding me like vultures.

"We'll go touch up your makeup before that, okay?" whispered Alice.

"Darling, I've been looking everywhere for you," he cut in. His syrupy tone was more overdone than usual, and it was threatening to send me into a diabetic coma.

"Oops," she giggled. "Guess I missed our window."

"I don't think Dr. Bassett is going to be paying  _that_  close attention to me." She exchanged looks with her brother. He cleared his throat.

"Bella, my love, I have something very important to tell you." His voice was raised, as if he wanted the entire section listening in. Please tell me he's about to announce that he's taking an internship with his uncle or joining the circus. People were staring.

"Nothing has ever brought me more happiness than having you at my side. You have been with me in my darkest hours and my best."

What the hell was he on about with all this 'darkest hours'? The worst thing that ever messed him up was his shitty SAT scores, and I certainly wasn't the one who helped him get over that. One phone and a couple of vases were what it took to bring him down from that tantrum.

"You are my angel. I couldn't imagine my life without you, and I hope I will never have to. And now I have a very important question to ask you."

No way. There was no way this was really happening. I glanced over at Alice, who was bubbling over with excitement. This is why I'd suffered all the extra torment at her hand. Carlisle and Esme, on the other hand, were far less transparent.

Edward knelt down in front of me and pulled a Tiffany's box out of his jacket pocket, opening it to reveal an oval-shaped diamond set in what I could only assume was platinum. If I fell in the ocean with that thing on my finger, I would have sunk straight to the bottom.

"Bella Swan, will you marry me?"

A hundred gasps rang out from all around me, and I felt all color drain from my face. My heart had dropped into the pit of my stomach. Why would he do this, especially in front of everyone? He knows how much I hate being the center of attention, how much it completely paralyzes me. Why would he do this at all? Alice was on the edge of her seat.

He was waiting for me to reply. Everyone was. My vision was blurring, and I could feel myself trying to slip out of consciousness. The dress was constricting my already constricted lungs. Oh no. I was going to be sick. Without another thought, I practically jumped out of my seat and made a beeline for the bathroom, but the combination of my utter shock and the headrush made me topple over onto the carpet, and everything faded into blackness.

"Isabella? Bella, can you hear me?"

When I awoke, I found that I had been draped over a sofa in the massive hallway outside the ballroom. Carlisle was bent over me and Alice was fanning me furiously with a program. My elbows stung, probably from a massive patch of rug burn.

"Are you alright? Do you need anything?" I could only groan in response. As I got my bearings, I realized that Edward was pacing about fifty feet away while Esme seemed to be trying to calm him down. What the hell was I going to do? I felt like I was going to pass out again.

"Edward," Carlisle called over his shoulder. "I think Bella needs to go home and rest."

He nodded silently and slowly approached me, his jaw tightly fixed. In the low light, the amber flecks in his normally radiant eyes were turning them yellow. Alice handed me my purse and shoes, which I clumsily tried to shove my feet back into, and helped me stand up.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Cullen," I murmured, almost slurring as I grasped at my forehead. Speaking and staying vertical at the same time were taking more strength than I had to spare. I wasn't sure I had enough to make it back to the car.

"Don't think of it, Bella. Please rest and feel better. I'll call to check up on you in the morning."

I was only barely awake for the walk about to Edward's car. He was in a hurry, practically dragging me by my waist through the lobby and to the valet. He had barely shut the driver door when the car lurched forward, smoke rising from the back tires as he took off. His normally fair face was red and his knuckles were white as he pushed the engine to its limits

"Ed, please, this is a forty-five zone. You're going to hit somebody."

He didn't answer. He said nothing for the entire drive back to Forks, only giving me quick icy glances from the corner or his eyes, which scared me, though I was relieved that I wasn't going to be trapped in a car with him for an hour while he lectured me. This quiet fuming was different, though, eerie. He normally just lost his temper and started yelling, but I couldn't get a word out of him.

My breathing was shallow and labored, thanks to the scraps of silk tightly encasing my ribcage. I was still woozy, but that was mostly the result of low blood sugar. The first order of business when I got home would be to tear all of this off and get into my pajamas, and then to have Charlie heat up some leftovers so I wouldn't faint again on the stairs. I was probably going to be spending the next two days sleeping, if I could help it. I still needed to work on packing for school, but I could afford to take a day or two off if I really hustled on Tuesday.

The car screeched to a stop, pulling me out of my haze. We weren't at my house. We were at the Cullen's.

"Edward, when your dad said to take me home, he meant  _my_  home." He slammed his door shut and marched around to my side, pulling me out by the wrist and nearly dislocating my shoulder.

"You and I need to have a little chat."

My heart was racing. He wasn't just angry: he was livid. I was ready to take twenty more late night galas if I could skip out on the forthcoming conversation. He plopped me down on the sofa in the formal living room, pacing like a dog in a cage. He was going to let loose and start screaming at me again any second. I covered my mouth with my hand.

"I need to use the bathroom."

"Not until we're done talking."

"I'm going to throw up any second. I  _need_  to-"

"Fine!" he snapped, waving his index finger towards the hall.

I scampered off to the powder room just off of the foyer and locked the door, sliding down the inside of the door and onto the cool tile. My hands were shaking as I fished my phone out of the tiny evening bag.

_Dad, I'm at Edward's house. Come get me ASAP._

I pressed send and prayed that he would see it. I didn't want to spend a second longer here than I had to. Screw being an independent adult; sometimes you just need your dad.

I coughed loudly and flushed the toilet, kicking my shoes off again and abandoning them in the bathroom. I quietly padded back to the living room, where he was sitting on the sofa and pensively staring down at the glass coffee table in front of him. I regarded him warily as I sat down beside him, waiting for the rant to begin. What would it be this time?

"I can't believe you would do that to me, to the whole family!" he growled. "Dad was due to go on stage to speak at any moment, and you ruined it."

"I've had nothing but champagne since one this afternoon!" I retorted. "If you hadn't dragged me around to talk to every person there, then I could have gotten in a few bruschetta bites and I wouldn't have fainted."

"Don't you dare blame this on me! I introduce you to important contacts and then pour my heart out for you, and you decide to run off? You humiliated me and my family in front of everyone! Carlisle was too busy tending to a brain-dead attention whore to accept his award. How could you? How could you betray me like that, after everything I've done for you, everything I've given you? You would never be invited to one of these on your own. I made that happen! I am the reason you have anything at all!" His volume was raising with every accusation. His hands were shaking

"No one could love you as much as I do. No one would have done all the things I've done for you. The day that you marry me will be the best goddamn thing that ever happens to you. I was going to get you out of this hellhole, but you can't even be grateful for that. Do you think that you would have gotten into Dartmouth without me? Do you think that you'd be anything at all?"

I stood to leave. I couldn't take this anymore. There was nothing the Cullens could give, not even their oppressive love, that could keep me here any longer. I don't know where it came from, where I summoned the fortitude to open my mouth while he hurled abuse at me, but it came out anyway.

"I got into Dartmouth because I studied my ass off and got good test scores. I didn't need my dad to call one of his alum buddies."

The next thing I saw was stars. The sharp cacophony all around me of shattering glass was deafening.  A strange, searing pain emanated from my arm and shot upwards through the rest of my body. The back of my head was throbbing as I stared up at the massive chandelier hanging above. Edward was looming over me, the veins pulsing in his almost purple face. 

I raised my shaking arm to witness a steady crimson stream flowing downwards onto my dress and the white plush carpet. Light from the fixture above rained down onto the debris all around me, reflecting off what was not the bracelet that I usually wore, but a piece of glass. Without another word, Edward swiped at the debris with his foot and dropped to his knees on the floor in front of me, grabbing a handful of the hem of my skirt with a jerk. I couldn't move or breathe. The only sensation that eclipsed the pounding of my heart was the blood pulsing down my arm.  His eyes were blazing, searing my very skin as he moved closer.

The chime of the Cullen's doorbell echoed off its cavernous walls, making us both freeze. When there was no answer, it sounded again.

"Dad!" I squeaked hoarsely, hardly sure if my voice would even carry as far as the front door. As I crawled onto my feet, I realized that Edward had disappeared, leaving only his jacket and the velvet box behind. I hobbled to the front door, where the doorbell was being smashed nonstop, making the throbbing on the back of my head even worse. I opened it to find Charlie, who was still in uniform with the door to his cruiser wide open. He probably hadn't ended his shift yet when he got my text.

"Dad!" I practically fell through the door and onto my father, who seized me and immediately began looking me over, his eyes wild and panicked. He withdrew his hand to find his fingers were now stained red.

"Bella? What the hell happened?"

"Edward" was all I managed to force out before collapsing back onto the mosaic. In less than a second, Charlie's hand was on his gun, his face twisted into a snarl as he charged through the front door.

"Edward Cullen!" he bellowed. "Show yourself right now, or I swear to god, I will use this thing!"

The house remained still. Not a single sound pierced the deafening silence as he paced the room, crisscrossing between the dining room, the hallways, and back with a wild look in his eye.

"You better hope I don't find you, boy!"

Bright lights bore through the open front door and into the room behind me. The car came to a screeching halt, the doors slamming almost as soon as they opened, followed by the heavy crunching of shoes on gravel.

"Isabella!" Carlisle and company rushed over to where I sat weeping and bleeding.

"Alice." His head whipped around to face his daughter. He still had the calm, soothing voice you'd expect of a man who saw worse things every day.

"Get my kit." She nodded and scurried off, but not before Charlie came barreling back in.

"Where is he?" he roared. "Where is that little piece of shit?"

"Chief Swan I don't know what-"

"Where would he go?" They stared back in shock at the gentle, even-tempered man they'd met on so many occasions. "Listen, my daughter is bleeding because of that boy. I've got another officer headed this way right now, and she'll be here in two minutes. I promise you, things are only going to get worse for him the longer I have to look, so I'm going to ask you again: where would he go?"

"He..he sometimes likes to go out on the lake," Alice stammered, looking back to her parents for approval, who were unsettlingly opaque. In the back of my mind, I always knew that when it came right down to it, I was on my own.

Charlie muttered instructions into the radio on the side of his chest while Carlisle began examining the glass in my arm. It was beginning to die down, likely because the foreign body was plugging the rest of it up.

"Don't touch her," my father growled. "I don't care if you're a doctor. I don't want you near her. You've all done enough."

Charlie pulled me back up and escorted me the the passenger seat of the cruiser when Officer Shepard pulled into the driveway. He grabbed the handkerchief from his pocket and gently pressed down onto my arm to stymie the flow. He leaned into the car and kissed my forehead.

"I'll be right back, Bella. I just need a second and then we're getting you out of here."

I felt cold, somehow shivering in the heat of a warm summer night. How did I get here? How was it that I had abandoned my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone in the world, to end up here? A constant stream of tears torrented down my face as my regrets crashed over my head. I wished I had left months ago. I wished I had turned my car around and begged Jake to forgive me. I should have told him everything. I should have emptied out my heart, laying bare all the fears and idiotic ideas that I thought could protect me, that made me believe I could love anyone as much as I loved Jacob Black. 

As I watched Charlie jog back into the foyer, I was struck with another stab of panic: My phone. I must have left it on the couch in my purse. I searched the front console for Charlie's personal phone and snatched it up. I dialed the only other number that I knew by heart.

I had no words. What could I have said, anyways? How could I encapsulate everything that had transpired in the last hours, in the last six months, when a handful of syllables was all I had in me? It didn't matter. Nothing else mattered. I just needed to hear his voice.

"Billy? Is he there?"


	16. Hallelujah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's tired of being tired.
> 
> Maybe there's hope after all.

I roused myself from what was possibly the worst sleep I'd had yet, despite where I was. Bella was still passed out with her arms wrapped around a stirring Leah. She'd fallen asleep under my arm, her back pressed firmly against me. Her long hair was fanned out on the pillow, and she mumbled occasionally in her sleep. I could never make out what it was, but sometimes I thought I heard my name, making me jump back into consciousness. She was so cute when she was asleep. All night long, she groped around for me or for Leah, letting out a satisfied groan once she found what she was looking for. I couldn't seem to sleep longer than an hour at a time, but there was something intensely soothing about the close proximity. Feeling the softness of her skin, the scent of her hair, and the way seemed to need to touch me as much as I needed her had quelled the storm inside me. After all this time, she was still the cure to what ails me.  _Bella-trin: Apply topically as-needed until symptoms improve. Side effects may include: fever, insomnia, heart palpitations, acting like a moron, and uncontrollable, rock-solid-_

"Motherfucker," I cursed under my breath.

If she were to wake up right now, she was bound to notice something hard poking her in the ass. My dick cannot read a room. My hand wandered around her nightstand for my phone, which was reading almost ten. At the very least, I needed to check in with Billy. I owed him that much. It looked like she'd kicked off part of the blankets in the night, exposing one of her long, pale legs. I was going to try to ignore that. I just wanted to keep her close to me while I could, because who knew when I'd have another opportunity. After the night we'd all had, I couldn't let go of her for a second. But I needed to. I kissed her temple and gingerly extracted myself from the one place on the planet that I wished I could stay all day, trying to slip back into my pants without making a racket. Leah's eyes snapped open and stared back sternly, silently scolding me.  _Where do you think you're going?_

"Watch her," I mouthed. "I'll be right back." Her eyes narrowed and she cuddled Bella closer to her chest. Leah didn't run quite as warm as me, but she'd do in a pinch.

I trudged into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I was trying to avoid replaying Edward's visit or his many crimes in my head, but it wasn't going very well. I tied my uncombed hair back in a ponytail and splashed cold water in my face. Nope. You still look like shit, Black. That seemed to be the trend. I looked down at my hands. The stinging had stopped, but now there was a thin layer of scabs, with the rest of my knuckles caked with blood that wasn't mine. I hoped I wasn't going to need to get tested after this.

After my unsuccessful cleansing ritual, I descended the squeaking steps, thinking that I could step out for just a minute and fill my dad in. Not any of the details, of course. I wasn't sure just how much of this she was willing to share, and I knew this would conjure some bad memories for my dad, because it certainly did for me. I passed the kitchen into the living room and towards the door when I was stopped by Charlie's voice.

"Morning, Jacob." It was low and quiet, and it wasn't clear whether this was just fatigue or his discomfort with me spending the night in his daughter's bed, but I think he knew we were all better off for it.

"Morning, Chief." I pointed to my phone. "I was just going to let my dad know where I was."

"Don't worry, I called him last night and let him know you'd be staying over." He sat down in his recliner with a newspaper. "I put on a pot if you want some."

"Uh..yeah. Thanks."

I poured myself some coffee, staring into space as I stirred in the cream and a heavy spoonful of sugar, caving to my weakness for sweet things and my body's demand for energy wherever I could find it. I planted myself on the end of the couch and looked out the window at the leaves being pushed around in circles by the wind. I could feel myself practically oozing into the cushions, as if I were liquifying along with whatever was left of my brain. Was it possible to be emotionally hung over?

"How is she?" he asked flatly.

"Not sure. She's still passed out, but I think she was out the whole night."

"Good," he nodded. "She needs her rest."

"I want to thank you, Jake," he started, slowly breathing in. "For everything you've done for her. I'm sure it hasn't been easy."

I swallowed. "I'd do it again."

I laid my head on the back of the couch and closed my eyes, letting out a long breath. Charlie and I hadn't had any kind of serious talk like this before, but he was surprisingly easy to talk to for a cop. Now I knew where she got it from.

"I know you would. I knew from the moment she first dragged you into my living room."

"Was it really that obvious?" He shifted in his seat.

"Kid, you might as well have a flashing neon sign above your head. Stevie Wonder could have seen it. I'm honestly surprised she never did."

I opened my eyes and looked up at the wooden beams holding up the ceiling. I was too exhausted to try to unpack that, even though my heart still gave a hopeful, pathetic thump when I remembered the feeling of her lips on mine. I wanted to think about it, to try to solve the puzzle that was crazy, beautiful girl, but I wouldn't get anywhere with that today. I could think about that tomorrow.

"You so sure about that?"

"Mhmm," he grunted. "My girl is brilliant, but she's pretty dense sometimes, and even a little skittish. You're gonna need to take out a billboard or she'll never get there on her own."

"Yeah, that might be for the better," I sighed, trying not to encourage the topic. I was pretty low on bandwidth already, and this was a bad time to start picking at scabs.

"So I take it you're not telling her?"

"Not anytime soon."

Charlie groaned, reclining in his seat and massaging his temples.

"You kids are so goddamn frustrating," he muttered.

"Well," he said gruffly, suddenly jerking his paper open and peering over the top. "I think I've delved into your relationship with my daughter plenty as it is. Just try not to punch anyone else, alright? I'm more than happy to watch you beat that boy into a pulp, but the guys at the station, not so much."

"It wasn't just me. Leah was actually the one who broke his nose."

"Damn!" he laughed. "I would have paid money to see that."

"It made a really satisfying noise, too."

He went back to his paper and I uneasily scooted out of my spot. I didn't want to be gone when she woke up, even if Leah would be there to tell her where I was. She was probably enjoying having Bella all to herself right now, and I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit jealous.

"I'm going to need to head out soon. I don't want to leave my dad by himself too often while I'm home." He smiled.

"I figured. I'm glad you two are getting along."

"It's been a long time coming."

When I returned, Bella had already taken up the other two-thirds of the bed. How was it possible for such a small girl to hog that much space all on her own? There was a good chance that she could have pushed me off the bed during the night if I weren't twice her size, holding her in like a retaining wall. Leah was fully awake now, sitting up on a stack of pillows and scrolling through her phone while she waited.

"Jesus, you walk like something out of  _Jurassic Park_ ," she hissed. "How did you manage to sneak into her room all the time without waking up Charlie? I'm surprised the neighbors didn't start complaining."

"I don't know how could they hear anything over the sound of your constant bitching," I retorted.

"Guuuys," Bella yawned, rolling over onto her stomach and taking a big wad of blankets with her. "Stop fighting. You're both pretty." I snorted but tried to stifle the noise as Leah glared at me.

I sat down on the edge of her bed as she slowly opened her big brown eyes, the corners of her mouth sleepily drawing upwards.

"Morning, honey." 

"Morning," she replied softly, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the light. She groggily grabbed my arm and pulled, making me lose my balance and fall down onto the sliver of bed next to her. She rolled over and wrapped my arm back around her shoulder while Leah looked on, bemused by my predicament.

"Come back to bed, Jake," she mumbled. "It's too early. And no pants." She tried to yank me closer, almost on top of her, and then rubbed the back half of her body into me, grumbling contentedly. Great. I had finally calmed it down barely ten minutes ago, and now that was all going to go out the window. This girl was going to kill me.

"She's always like this when she first wakes up," Leah remarked in a low voice. "You're going to have to be careful next time. She's like a bear trap."

" _You're_  a bear trap." Leah tipped her head.

"See what I mean?"

I took my arm back under protest and tried to extract myself from her iron grip, which was surprisingly strong when she wanted it to be.

"I'm sorry, Bells. I have to go. My dad's waiting for me."

"Oh." She looked almost crestfallen.

"We're still having that sleepover though, Swan," Leah interjected, tapping her on the shoulder. "Movie marathon, Chinese, and some of the wine I snagged before we left."

Keeping her occupied was a good strategy, provided Leah hid any other booze in that house. Getting Bella drunk would just add gasoline to her current emotional state, and I don't think any of us were equipped to manage that.

"Ugh, Lee, you're the best."

She grabbed me by the hand before I could stand up. Her eyes held a small twinge of fear.

"You'll come back, right?"

How could I ever say no to that face? Her power over me was a little scary sometimes, not that she needed to twist my arm to see her again. It was how Billy would react to everything that had me concerned. I squeezed back, brushing my thumb back and forth over the top of her tiny fingers.

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, honey."

"Okay then," she breathed, looking relieved.

"You guys have fun." I glanced over at Leah, who looked ready for round two with Bella's mattress. "Don't let her drink too much. You know how she gets."

"Shut up," Bella barked irritably, yanking the blankets back over her head.

I still had a somewhat visceral reaction to being in my house. There were so many memories bottled up within its walls, all layered and overlapping to the point that I didn't know what I was feeling when I was inside. I was just as unnerving now as it was before. It felt haunted, like even the house couldn't stand to let go. I didn't understand how Dad could tolerate living there.

I found him in his usual spot in the living room, watching those god-awful Christmas sale commercials dance across the screen, one right after the other. They seemed to be getting worse every year. The click of the door falling back into its frame caught his attention.

"Hey, Dad."

"Morning, Jacob." His expression was calm, but serious. So far, so good, but I was still extremely hesitant to have a sit-down with him.

"I'm sorry if I kept you waiting. I wanted to make sure everything was alright with them before I left."

"How is she holding up?" I sighed and sat down next to him.

"Hard to say. She was still half-asleep when I left, but I think she's okay." He nodded. "How much did Charlie tell you?"

"Enough." He paused while I tried to figure out exactly what he meant by 'enough.' "I won't lie, son; You had me worried." I stared down at my hands.

"I had me worried, too. I don't think I've ever been so mad in my life."

"Well, if there was ever a reason to be, I think that would've been it."

I was becoming increasingly frustrated with Billy's brevity and general unwillingness talk about things when it mattered. Usually, I got to guess, but my patience for that was gone now. I needed to know. I was going to try my hardest not to get upset if he gave me the wrong answer in accordance with Bella's resolution. I'd already disappointed myself on several occasions, and I'd rather reenact several chapters of a Stephen King novel than disappoint her again.

"Did you know? About the last time this happened, I mean."

"Just what Charlie told me."

As I suspected. He'd known for over a year and he didn't tell me, just like everyone else. My own father. I wasn't surprised to get that from the guys, but Billy was a whole other matter. He and I didn't understand each other very well, but he knew me well enough not to hide something like that. Easy, Jake.

"And you decided to hide it from me?"

"Yes, I did."

My nostrils flared and my hands clenched around my knees in the pregnant pause that followed.

"What, you didn't think it was important for me to know that someone attacked the only girl I've ever loved?"

I was raising my voice again. Billy fixed his eyes on me, wearing that all too familiar expression. It was how he always looked when I was about to blow a gasket. He wasn't far off.

"I had my reasons, Jacob."

"What reason could you possibly have to justify this?"

Billy looked like he was about to launch into one of his classic lectures, but I prayed I could stop myself before this escalated. Things were going too well to mess it all up again.

"I'm not trying to justify this, just explain. You were barely here long enough for me to tell you anything, and when you were, you wouldn't even look at me. The only reason Charlie told me was because he was beside himself and needed a friend to lean on. But if I'm being completely honest, it was because you were already so out of control that I was afraid of what you would do."

His words seemed to hang in the air above us like heavy clouds before a thunderstorm. I wanted to object, but he anger and defensiveness I felt were at odds with the obvious truth. After last night, we knew exactly what I would have done, and this was likely one of the better scenarios.

"I had to make a decision. It wasn't the right one, but it's what I thought was best for you."

I breathed deeply and raked my hands through my hair, trying in vain to digest Billy's contribution to everything she and I had been through. It wasn't just about my preferred problem-solving method; I could have been there for her instead of just licking my wounds. He looked down at the floor.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I didn't want to be mad at my father anymore. It was all we had in common for half a decade, and it had only made things go from bad to worse. When the four of us split off in different directions, we didn't escape anything; we just gave that fire more oxygen to grow. It made me wonder how my sisters were doing, how they were  _really_  doing. There was probably a lot of family therapy in our future.

"I'm sorry, too. I know I put you through hell."

"We were all in hell," he sighed. "I know why you started acting out. Believe me, I could have just as easily dropped off the face of the earth if I didn't have you kids to think about. You just scared the shit out of me."

"I think I scared the shit out of everyone," I chuckled. "Me included."

"You take after your mother in that regard." I looked at him quizzically.

"What, did you really think she was always the angelic creature who sang and baked cookies?" He laughed. " _Please_. She had a real temper, you know. One time, not long before we got married, I ticked her off so much that she threw half a pie at my head. Landed right on the side of my face. I probably deserved it. I think I'd been teasing her too much and she finally had enough of my shenanigans."

He was smiling fondly as he recalled the memory. It had been so long since he even mentioned her that I forgot that she had really existed. Sometimes I wasn't entirely sure that she was even real.

"Why do you never talk about her?" He paused

"It was too much to bear. We were together for almost twenty-five years, and then she was suddenly gone. You never really come back from that," he said, his voice wavering. "I had to keep everything going for you and the girls, and I couldn't even stay upright if I let myself think about her too much."

I could certainly empathize.

"I know. It just didn't feel like that at the time. It seemed like you were trying to erase her."

"I'm sorry for that, too."

He stared thoughtfully into space. I never thought I'd hear my father apologize to me, especially not after all the shit I'd pulled, and I  _really_  didn't expect to be having this conversation with him so soon. Maybe it was good that we were getting this out in the open now rather than later. I didn't want to needlessly prolong it. The truth was, I really missed having my dad.

"You'll have to remind me to thank Bella. I know she hurt you, Jacob, but she somehow managed to nudge us in the right direction."

"She's got a gift, doesn't she?" I replied. "As for the other thing, I forgave her a while ago. I think we both suffered enough on his account."

He nodded. "I'm inclined to agree. I need you to stay out of trouble, though. I know you had good intentions, but my cardiologist says I need to take it easy."

"Charlie said the same thing," I chuckled. "I'm going to give it my best shot, so long as that asshole stays away."

"And I don't think the chief of police would be too thrilled about his daughter dating a criminal."

"Jesus Christ, Dad," I groaned. "She was right about you two: Like old women. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, okay? Even though-"

"Mhmm?" he probed.

"She kissed me on Wednesday night."

"Oh goddamn it," he laughed, slapping his knee. "We had a bet going to see who would cave first. Now I owe Charlie ten bucks."

Of course he did. Meddling old geezers.

"Dad, come on. She's been through a lot and I'm not about to put that kind of pressure on her."

"I think you're underestimating her. Girl's a lot tougher than anyone gives her credit for, from what I gather. You should be open, at least."

I sighed heavily. He definitely had a point, but I hoped that she hadn't been putting up a front for my benefit or anyone else's. Our days of keeping secrets and trying to walk it off were supposed to be over. Maybe he was right: Maybe keeping this from her would backfire somehow. These things seemed to have a way of getting out on their own.

"And it's not like I'm going to be getting grandkids from your sisters anytime soon," he groused under his breath.

I buried my face in my hands. "You're relentless! There's still plenty of other stuff that she and I haven't talked about yet. I don't know if she even wants to be in a relationship right now, much less with me, so I think it's a little early to start picking out china patterns."

"Then hurry up and talk, boy. I'm not getting any younger."

"Well I'm seeing her tomorrow, so maybe if you give us the house for a couple hours we can start working on the first one."

That ought to shut him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a rough weekend for everyone, but things are looking up. There's really only one thing left to do, but how do you get both of them on board? 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Please leave your feedback in the comments.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, as we approach the end, remember that there's a good reason this fic is rated "E." Just saying.


	17. Hum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She might have finally changed her mind, thanks to a guest appearance

I had really lucked out. It was one of the few days that the sun decided to grace us with its presence, giving me a great opportunity to visit all my favorite places in Forks before I would have to head back to school. I still owed him that walk, and it was too breezy and beautiful outside to pass this up. After the last couple days, there were probably a lot more questions he needed answered, but he had a way of only asking questions that I didn't want to answer, almost as if he knew.

We settled on First Beach, which was probably my favorite place in the entire peninsula. The water was usually freezing, but I didn't care. There was something incredibly comforting about the way the massive cliffs sheltered it, like it was our own secret place, even though it would be crawling with people in the summertime. If I had a nickel for every sunburn inflicted on me after Jake or Angela tried to drag me out from under the umbrella, I could pay off my student loans. Now, I was just looking forward to another three months of shirtless Jacob throwing me in the water. He was very easy on the eyes back then, but now he could be an underwear model. It's a good thing I'll already be soaked.

I pulled up to where the side road ended and hopped out. The rabbit was nowhere to be seen, so I elected to wait for him on the driftwood. I'd missed this place so much. The rainbow pebbles that lined the beach looked like seaglass in pinks, blues, and greens, but they turned into a church window under the glare of a sunset. I'd missed the trees and the peace and quiet. It was a great place to think. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks and the shore followed me all the way to that gnarled, bleached-out log I'd spent so many hours of my life on, only to discover that I was not alone.

A gorgeous native woman was already perched on my usual spot, looking wistfully out at the ocean. She was wearing a long dress with her naked toes buried in the sand, her waist-length hair flowing along with the wind. How was she not freezing? I guessed Jake wasn't joking about that Quileute blood. To my surprise, she noticed me almost immediately, and she waved me over with a broad, welcoming smile.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you." I stepped backward, raising my hands in apology, but she was having none of it.

"Don't worry about it! C'mon, come sit with me!" she called as I drew closer.

"I can just go." I caught myself stumbling over my words. "I didn't know anyone would be here."

"Nonsense," she insisted, patting the salt-buffed wood beside her.

Awkwardly, I sat down on the other end, wondering what she could possibly want me here for. I was easily the least interesting thing on the peninsula at any given time of the year. She must be incredibly bored.

"People don't come here much once it the cold sets in, with the wind chill and all. I figured it would be deserted."

"Yeah, I finally got rid of you damn kids," she laughed, shaking her fist. "Now if I could just keep the birds from shitting everywhere…"

I already felt at ease. I hadn't met anyone from the reservation that I didn't like. In all honesty, I liked hanging out with them a lot more than most of the people I knew in town, though it could be that I simply knew more people in the rez than in town because of Jake. They were more my speed.

"I'm guessing you live nearby?" I asked, aware how banal my contributions had been so far. I was never one for chit chat with strangers.

"I used to," she sighed. "I left a while ago, but I've missed it every day since. I come back to visit whenever I can get away."

"Me too," I replied as I watched the sun glistening on the water. "I like my school, but every time I come home I remember how much I love this place. I kind of wish I could live out here."

"You could. You'd just have to get used to all the teenagers and all of your crap getting covered in sand. I'm kidding; I actually like people-watching here too, so long as I can have quiet moments like these. I get to see everyone's babies running around, teenagers being stupid, people falling in love…" she trailed off. "I've seen Seth and his lady-friend around here quite a bit lately."

"You know Seth?"

"Oh yeah, I've known him since he was a baby. He's a sweet kid. Taller than me now," she chuckled. "Jake, too. I swear, one of these days he's going smack his head on the doorframe and get a concussion."

She leaned towards me and lowered her voice to almost a whisper. "He won't admit it, but he used to hurt himself on things all the time. He was kind awkward before he really started growing."

I couldn't wait to use that against him later. Maybe I could talk Billy into pulling out some old pictures for inspiration. Years of snark at my expense were finally going to come back to bite him in the ass.

"Wow, so you know Jake too?"

"Yep," she replied, kicking her feet back and forth in the sand. "I know pretty much everyone around here, even you, Bella."

"How? I don't think we've ever met before."

"Oh, you didn't hear? I'm omniscient." She winked. "You could say your reputation precedes you."

Great. I wasn't sure exactly what she was referring to, but I could take a wild guess. It was bad enough that I had to convince Jake that I changed; I really didn't want to have to convince the whole damn tribe that I come in peace. I should have known I was going to get some stink eye once I came back. My concern must have registered on my face, because she quickly backtracked.

"Oh honey, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I've heard a lot about you. All good things." She smiled reassuringly. "A few funny things, too. Seems I need to keep you away from sharp objects and expensive landscaping."

"Preferably at the same time."

I couldn't help but stare at her. She was so pretty, but I couldn't figure out how old she was. She could have been twenty-five or forty for all I could tell. Her flawless copper skin glowed around her soft features, like some kind of Disney princess. I half expected her to call in her woodland friends to help clean something or bake a pie. Those had to be some fantastic genes.

I finally exhaled. "That's good to hear. I was a little worried people were going to break out the torches and pitchforks."

"No, not for you. Jake wouldn't allow that anyways," she said, patting my shoulder. "Things really went downhill, didn't they?" Her voice was melancholy. "I feel terrible that I wasn't there to help him. Those dickbags on the council sure as hell weren't going to. He was a child, for fuck's sake. I'm glad he met you, though."

"I wouldn't get so excited; They kind of went to hell again after I started dating my ex. Not one of my better decisions." I couldn't hide the guilt that still haunted me, despite my best efforts.

"Yeah, speaking of dickbags," she muttered. 

"You're not wrong," I admitted. "I'm just glad that's all behind me. At least, I hope it is. I think he's forgiven me for bailing on him."

She was so easy to talk to. It was strange, but I felt like I could tell her anything. It wasn't strange; it was crazy. I didn't even know this lady, but here I was blabbing about my stupid personal life as if we'd known each other for years. I could cross 'CIA agent' off my list of potential career choices. I really hoped I wasn't going to land myself in legal trouble for accidental HIPAA violations once I got licensed.

"I'm sure he has. There's just been a whole lot for him to grapple with in the last few years, but I think he's finally coming around. Thank you, by the way."

"For what?" I couldn't help but regard her with suspicion. The rez was a lot more gossipy than I thought. I was going to need to hold my cards a little closer to my chest, it seemed.

"For being there for him. For trying to fix your mistakes and helping him with his own. He's doing so well because of you, kid, and I'm really grateful for that."

"You're giving me way too much credit. I'm lucky he was even willing to let me in at all, considering, but I'm so glad he did. Though, I'm a little sad he didn't feel like he could talk to me the first time around."

Jake was the one who had done most of the heavy lifting in this process. I probably should have groveled a little more, if for no other reason than to ease my conscience.

"I don't think that was about you. You appeal to his better nature, and I think that's why he wanted to put all that behind him. A little support can go a long way. Of course, it also helps that the boy is crazy about you."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "I think that's pretty presumptuous, especially since he only stopped hating me like a month ago. There might've been something there back when we were sixteen, but that's kind of a stretch. Not that it matters. I've already royally screwed myself over as far as that's concerned. He still hasn't said anything about the other night. He probably just wants to forget about it."

She shook her head. "Look, honey, I know you're scared, but you've got to quit torturing yourself like this." She swiveled in her spot to face me head-on. "Tell me, do you love him?"

"Of course I do."

"Then holding it in is just going to cause problems for everyone. Give him a chance to respond instead of making that decision for him. I think we all remember how that turned out last time."

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, completely taken aback by her bluntness. This woman sure was ballsy for someone with such a graceful, delicate frame. I pitied anyone who ever pissed off this Trojan horse. Her only response to my question was to start clucking like a chicken.

"That's pretty below the belt." I squinted and my voice took on a sharper edge. I was starting to get a little irritated because she was beginning to sound a lot like Leah in all the wrong ways.

"Truth hurts, kid. That's how we grow. But I've got to get going now." She suddenly stood up and brushed sand off her long skirt. She bent down to hug me tightly, and after the initial shock, my body relaxed and I returned the gesture.

"It was wonderful finally meeting you, Bella."

It finally hit me that I still had no idea who this was or how she knew me, not to mention my rudeness at not having even asked her name. Charlie raised me better than that.

"I'm sorry, you never told me your name. I should have asked, though it was nice meeting you too." Even if she had spent most of it giving me a hard time.

"Don't worry about it. That's another story for another time." She waved goodbye and began making her way down the beach, her skirt billowing in the icy wind. She was so upbeat and lighthearted at first glance, but I could sense a deep sadness just below the surface. Wherever it was that she was going, I hoped she would be happy. She was almost to the road when she stopped and turned around.

"Hey!" she called. "Be sure to give Jake a kiss for me!"

I turned red yet again, listening to her cackle as she disappeared into the forest.

"Bella?"

I opened my eyes to find a far-too-awake Leah hovering over me, gently poking me in the cheek. I groaned and unsuccessfully swatted her hand away.

"Wakey-wakey, Babe," she sang. "You know what happens to the last person awake at a sleepover?"

"They're well-rested?"

"No, they find their bra in the freezer. Lucky for you, I am a benevolent goddess."

"Well you're going to have to wait a while for that goat sacrifice," I grumbled, rolling away from her to grab the pillow.

The dream was so vivid, almost lucid. I felt the icy wind on my face, the blinding light of the sun in my eyes, her whole-hearted laughter. I could even feel the heat radiating from her like a stove. I wished the dream was longer. I wasn't going to see a day in Forks that beautiful for a long time, and I would have liked to talk to her more.

"Hey, Swan, what's your deal?" Leah asked, poking me in the ribs.

My brow furrowed. "I had a really weird dream...I was talking to some lady from the rez who I've never met before."

"Oh yeah? What'd she look like?"

"I don't quite remember, but she had long hair and she was very pretty."

"That's not really narrowing it down for me. You could be talking about Emily for all I know."

"Maybe," I replied absentmindedly. "She was really pushing for me to tell Jake for some reason." This conversation was getting weirder and weirder.

Leah pushed herself back up to lean against the headboard with a knowing look.

"So you're going to listen to Dream Lady instead of me, the person who actually knows what the hell is going on?"

I sighed irritably. "No, but the chorus of people commenting on my not-relationship is starting to give me a headache. I'm just trying to be careful, but everyone is acting like  _I'm_  the unreasonable one."

Leah let out a single blast of a laugh. She was looking at me like I was crazy again, which I didn't appreciate, especially right after I woke up.

"'Being careful,' huh? I don't think kissing Black and then running off qualifies as 'careful.' You didn't even stick around long enough to see his reaction. It obviously doesn't take much from him to get you to cave. It's only a matter of time."

"He hasn't said anything about it since," I said, my voice tinged with bitterness. "I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out what that means."

She stared at me, her mouth hanging open as if I had just insulted her mother.

"Are you serious? Your asshole ex-boyfriend shows up on Thanksgiving, Jake beats the shit out of him and barely escapes getting arrested for it, and then we spent most of the night crying and talking about our feelings. Do you really think that your aborted makeout session has been his top priority in the last 48 hours? For fuck's sake, Bella. Give the guy a chance to sleep everything off before you start eulogizing your relationship."

"...You have a point," I mumbled sheepishly.

"Yeah, I do. It's because I'm right." She rolled her eyes and sat down hard with a huff. "You're so dense sometimes that I wanna scream. Why are you convinced that this is all one-sided?"

"I'm not convinced; I just don't have a good reason to believe this can be more than platonic. Maybe it wasn't just me before, but this isn't the eleventh grade, Lee. Things are different now. We're different. It's not only about what I want."

"Which is exactly why you need to tell him. You're coming apart at the goddamn seams. You've got to quit dicking around and waiting for him to do something."

"I know," I said quietly. The brewing storm of Leah's frustration seemed to have settled down, but it wouldn't be gone for long. I was sure that my imminent failure would unleash the kraken once I filled her in tomorrow.

"Not to mention that you've been eyeing him like a porterhouse steak ever since we got here. He's gonna notice that eventually."

"I have not," I countered. Oh no, had I been that transparent all along, or was it just because she already knew what was going on? No, I had definitely been staring too much. I felt like such a creep.

"Have too. I'm gonna buy you a mop so all that drool doesn't damage the wood floors."

I squinted. I couldn't argue with her about this, given how often she was on the receiving end of such attention.

"Whatever. Dad's been blowing me up all morning. I think I need to get back home before they lock me in the basement."

I picked up my phone and struggled to unlock the screen. It was after ten, and I should have been up already. I guessed I was going to have to hold off on a shower and real clothes until later. I spied an orange spot on the corner of my mouth in the reflection on the screen. Duck sauce? I was going to need a lot more work before I could be considered presentable.

"Alright, alright," I said, rubbing my forehead while I tried to drag myself out of the bed. "Just let me put on some pants and I'll take you home."

"Bella, you know you're always beautiful to me," she began in an overly sappy tone. "But you might wanna look in the mirror before you leave the house, especially if Black is coming over." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"You need to calm down. In general, but also right now."

"I'm just saying. This is when you need to be looking cute at all times."

I began rifling through my bag for a pair of jeans. I thankfully had some extra clothes that I brought just in case I left my couch a second time this weekend. Those should do for later. Would they qualify as 'cute' though? Even after a year under her tutelage, I was still unsure what that meant in a practical sense. What would Jake consider cute? I should have known that I was going to want more options, something a little nicer than what I'd normally wear. I was still too worn out to match two articles of clothing together. I had much bigger fish to fry.

"You never know when he's going to come crawling through your window again."

I'd love for him to come through my window again. Visions of rumpled sheets and my bedroom floor littered with discarded clothes began to cloud my mind. His piercing onyx eyes on me. His long hair draped down on me from above. The sexy knowing smirk that slowly crept onto his lips. I shook my head, trying to snap out of my daydreaming as I wriggled back into the old jeans from Wednesday.

"I'm coming to him this time."

"Interesting," she mused, scooting forward to sit on the edge of the bed while she watched me get ready. "What're you going to say?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

"Well figure it out. Don't go into this unprepared. We all know what a wordsmith you are when you're hyperventilating." I stuck out my tongue.

"You better watch it or you're walking home."


	18. Out in the Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the garage.

I yanked my shirt down over my head in a last-ditch attempt to stick to some kind of schedule. This tiny room was just as hard to move around in as I remember, though I hadn't spent much time in it since that major growth spurt back in high school. It was basically only used for sleeping and keeping my clothes, a pattern that had seemed to stick even now. Dad had calmed down after I came back from Bella's, which came as a major relief. For the first time in years, he wasn't acting like I was going to dive head-first out the window at the first opportunity, and we were even holding conversations like normal people. Much to my surprise, my sister finally decided to put in an appearance at dinner, and while she seemed cautiously optimistic about Dad and I, I suspected that she was still mad about me punching Paul. Nobody else appeared to be sharing that grudge.

The hum of an engine drew closer until it finally stopped in front of the house. Shit, I must have lost track of the time. What time was she supposed to be coming, anyways? Come to think of it, I don't think I ever asked her. There was no concrete plan at all, and I was too distracted to think about details or even basic logistics at this point. It was going to be dark soon. I wasn't sure when exactly she was supposed to be here, but I assumed I'd have more time than this. I didn't know what I would need more time for; I was dressed, wasn't I? Heavy steps thumped up the walk and the front door creaked open, but the dry voice that came under my door was definitely not hers.

"Hey, Billy! You ready to go?"

"Sure, come in. I just need a second and then we can head over."

What was Charlie doing here? Dad never said anything about going somewhere, though not having a live studio audience tonight could only be a plus. I opened my door just before he was ready to knock.

"Just wanted to let you know the chief and I are going over to Harry's. There's a game on tonight and he's trying to get a bigger group of us together this time."

"Oh, sure. Charlie's picking you up?"

"Yes. Don't worry, I figure we won't be back until pretty late." He winked, and I felt my jaw tighten, making him chuckle to himself as he wheeled back into the living room before I had a chance to fire back.

"Alright, Charlie, let's get going."

"Dad!" I yelled back. "I was kidding!"

Jesus Christ. This was happening too many times to count, especially in the last three days, and it was only making me more self-conscious. I couldn't help but wonder what the hell happened to make me like this, though I knew his jokes weren't helping. Charlie and Billy were getting way too invested in my love life. They needed to get a new hobby because fishing clearly wasn't occupying enough of their time.

So now I needed to decide what I was going to do while I waited, or risk wearing a hole in the carpet. I threw myself back on the couch, electing to stare at my phone for a bit in the hopes that something would keep me busy. That lasted about two minutes before I got up again, looking out between the blinds of the kitchen window. The sun was getting ready to set, and in the settling darkness I noticed that the lights in the garage were still on. I needed to quit leaving it on all the time, but it was like a bat cave even in broad daylight. Well if I needed a task, I guessed that would do.

Things were pretty dusty inside from months of neglect, even though I was just in there a few days ago. There were still tools scattered all over the shelf and the concrete floor. I began hastily picking them up, wondering where I'd put my toolbox, and finally settling on an empty plastic box perched at the very top. As I pulled it down, a stack of papers slid off the edge and onto the counter in front of me, revealing something I hadn't seen in a long time: a crumpled class assignment from November 28th, 2017. Something was scrawled on the back in my familiar chicken-scratch, each one crossed out dozens of times.

_Bella, I've liked you for a really long time and_

_There's something I wanted to ask you_

_There's something I want to tell you_

_Bella, there's something I need to tell you_

_I'm really happy that I met you._

Some things never change.

I suddenly became aware of how long I'd been standing there and what I had been doing in the first place, so I set it back down, tossing the handful of tripping hazards I'd collected into the box.

"Hey there, stranger."

She appeared in the doorway, leaning against the frame with that shy, familiar smile. She had ditched the hoodie for a dark blue sweater under her jacket, and I was almost disappointed. Her cheeks were rosy from the wind, though one was still stained by a small purple patch. In that moment, I couldn't understand why we ever fought, how I could have walked away knowing I would never see her smile like that again. The memory was a pinprick to my heart. Every time I saw her, I realized just how much I'd missed her. She helped sew me back together again, and now I was ready to remove the stitches.

"Hey yourself." I pulled her into a bear hug. "How're you feeling?"

"Suffocated" she gasped.

"Oh, sorry," I said, releasing her. "Old habits." One arm remained around me.

"It's okay, Jake." She smiled, sweeping a lock of hair out of her eyes. "I'm doing pretty good, actually. Some sleep and a  _Buffy_  marathon can really do wonders for a girl."

"Your pick, I'm guessing?"

"Yeah, vampires were a hard sell for Leah, but I think I might have converted her."

"Can't say I blame her." A short gust of wind came in through the open door, making it swing back and forth on its hinges. "You wanna go inside? It's definitely warmer in there."

"Actually, I was hoping to spend some quality time with the garage since it's been so long, but I am a little thirsty."

"Say no more."

I led her by the hand back into the house, which was already too dark to navigate. I quickly switched on nearly every light in the house to avoid yet another injury. I couldn't send her back home with anything else or her dad would probably break out the shotgun. She dropped my hand and meandered around the living room on her way to the kitchen.

"Wow, it's almost exactly the same as I remember it." I opened the fridge in search of our drinks. I was going to need to do something about Billy's eating habits before much longer.

"Yeah, you know my dad. He's not really big on change."

She came up behind me, placing her hand on my back as she bent over, and peered into the fridge. She giggled.

"Wow, this looks almost exactly like Dad's fridge whenever I come home. Nothing but beer and condiments." I laughed and shut the door.

"He's not really big on cooking, either."

My smile turned to confusion as I looked back at her. She wasn't looking at me, but rather over my shoulder at the fridge behind me. I followed her line of sight to the picture pinned to the door with a magnet.

"Bells?"

"Is that who I think it is?"

Posed in the photo were me, Billy, the twins, and my mother in front of a pink and blue castle.

"Uh yeah, that's my mom. That was on our trip to Disneyland. I was...twelve, I think? Dad must have put it up."

She still wasn't talking. Her eyes were wide open with a curious expression.

"What's the matter?"

"I had a dream about her last night."

"About my mom?"

"Yeah," she was studying the picture, her brows pressed together like a cold case detective.

"Holy shit," she giggled, leaning in for a closer look. "She was totally right."

"What?" I inched closer to her, trying to pick up on whatever it was that she was seeing.

"You  _were_  an awkward kid."

"Hey! Middle school is a dark time for everyone," I mumbled, looking away and praying she'd drop it. I was sure she'd be using this as teasing fodder for weeks. There must be something from my pre-Bella period that I didn't want to take to my grave. I'm sure I'll think of something eventually. In the meantime, I might have to get Charlie to dig up some payback material so I wouldn't have to kill her.

"Anything else?" I asked, deciding to humor her.

"Hmmm, it's a little fuzzy," she started. "We were talking about First Beach, then me and you, then I think she complained about the tribal council and she called me a chicken. She was kind of snarky, but apparently she liked me, so I've got that going for me."

"That sounds like her. She really hated those old guys on the-wait, what was that about us?"

"I'll tell you later."

"You keep saying that. I don't like 'later'."

"Then I'll tell you in a bit."

"When is 'in a bit'?" I sighed. I was getting really tired of all these cans she was kicking down the road. Wasn't the list of things we weren't talking about supposed to be going down, not up?

"Somewhere between 'now' and 'later.'"

"Beeells," I groaned.

"Hey, look! It's those sodas we were looking for!" She picked up the cans and waved them around in front of me.

"I'm not letting you off the hook, you know that right?"

"Mhmm," she hummed dismissively as she sped past me and back to the garage.

She slid into the back of my car much more deftly than before, letting out a tiny squeak when she landed on the seat. I could feel my heart fluttering every time I thought about her, about the way she fit so seamlessly into my life, even after all this time.

"The new seating arrangements are a major improvement, Jake." She propped up her feet. "But you've forgotten one crucial detail."

"Oh yeah?" I carefully climbed in so I wouldn't land on her, though I wouldn't complain if she landed on me again.

"Cup holders."

I snorted. "I'll get right on that."

This time, she didn't need prompting to sit close to me. She scooted over to be flush with my side, and I rested my arm around her shoulders. Already, it felt like things had changed, like this kind of intimacy was no longer just our natural rhythm, but buzzing like static electricity in a way that excited me, but also made my muscles tense. That must be what happens when you spend the night in a girl's bed after a couple hours unpacking all your emotional baggage.

"So how are you actually doing?"

"I really am good, Jake. I mean, I'm not looking forward to another court hearing, but I don't think I'm going to be seeing him again after that." She studied my face. "How are  _you_  really doing?"

"Much better now," I replied a bit devilishly.

I couldn't help but smile as I gave her arm a squeeze. It was true; I was exhausted, anxious, and more than a little scatterbrained, but I hadn't felt this light in forever. Sitting here, feeling the rise and fall of her chest and the warmth of her hand, I finally felt safe. I'd been constantly waiting for everything to fall apart for years, but now it was falling away. Maybe, for once in my life, things would be okay.

"Seriously though, I feel a lot better. Billy and I had a real talk yesterday after I got home."

"Really?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Yep. I think we might have finally cleared the air. I don't know, it's just nice to get everything off your chest. I wish it didn't take five years and a Thanksgiving showdown to get there, but it's better than never speaking again."

"You and me both. And I'm glad I told you guys about Ed, not that I loved turning it into storytime. I don't like keeping secrets, especially from you."

"You don't?" I scoffed. "That's news to me."

She rolled her eyes in response. "Of course I don't, Jake."

"Prove it then. I want to hear you answer my question from the other night."

"Yes, I do think that  _Godfather II_ is better than the first one."

"You're being evasive."

"You're being  _in_ vasive." I sighed, beyond exasperated at this point and bordering on annoyed.

"Hey, remember that honesty clause we agreed on?"

She looked away and shifted uncomfortably in her seat, chewing on the inside of her mouth. She was actively avoiding meeting my eyes, and now I was twice as invested in hearing the answer to this. Given everything that I know now that I didn't know then, maybe I shouldn't be getting so excited. The truth was more often painful than fun or interesting, and I wasn't keen on turning this evening into another downer.

"I dated Edward...because...Jesus Christ, this is so embarrassing."

She closed her eyes hid her face in her hands, shaking her head as if she could erase her blush like an Etch A Sketch. She was so damn cute when she was embarrassed. After all this preamble, I was practically on the edge of my seat. Were they really offering to pay for Dartmouth, or was he just really too hot to resist?

"Come on, Bells. I'm dying, here."

"Ugh, fine," she grunted loudly. She dropped her hands and looked me square in the face, almost defiantly, revealing a deep blush that carried all the way down her pale neck. She looked like she was preparing to tell me off again.

"I went out with Edward because I had a massive crush on you and I thought that it would go away if I tried dating someone else." Her eyes darted away again. "Big shock: it didn't work," she added sourly.

Talk about a plot twist.

I knew it. I knew I was a complete dumbass back then, but now I had confirmation from a reliable source. Dream Bella was right: I could have had her and I could have avoided this entire insane chapter in my life if I had just told her instead of wasting time. I slid down in my seat and closed my eyes, letting out a long, gravelly groan that bounced off the metal walls.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"What?" she yelped defensively, shrinking away from me.

"They were right. Everyone. They were all right," I muttered, shaking my head. "I'd like to be right for once."

"You said you wanted honesty," she snapped, now beet red. "So there it is." She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"No, it's not that," I corrected, trying to wave away her assumptions. "I'm just frustrated is all. Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you wer- _are_  the best friend I ever had. If I told you, there was a decent chance I would have messed that up, and I wasn't willing to risk it when I had no idea what you were thinking or feeling or...anything. I came really close to telling you, a couple times, actually, but then you found out about Edward and it was too late."

I guess now I couldn't afford to be throwing stones, but at least I wasn't the only idiot here. Well, here we go. This Big One. The thing you've been holding back for years. The thing that has been stalking your dreams for longer than you care to say. Time to face the music, Black. You got a second chance, and you better not screw it up.

"Bells, how is it that everyone on the planet knew that I was in love with you  _except_  you?"

Good job.

Her mouth opened with a pop, first in shock, then something else.

"Are you seriously annoyed with  _me?_ I'm not a mind reader!" she huffed. "Why did I have to be the first one to fess up?"

"I was planning on it! I almost did, but I lost my nerve and backed out at the last second. But, now I have, so...yeah. I was completely in love with you for all of high school."

I sighed heavily, my pulse pounding so hard I could almost feel my soul trying to leave my body.

"I still am."

Her face, previously characterized by indignation and frazzled nerves, immediately snapped to attention.

"Really?" she asked softly. I could feel her body relaxing against me. "Even after all my bullshit, you still..."

"Yes," I whispered.

I could feel my heart beating about a thousand times a minute as I waited for her to say something. I needed to hear that I wasn't completely insane for doing this, that I wasn't too late. I couldn't tear my gaze away from her for anything, instead watching as she bit her lip.

"I meant what I said before, Jake. The whole time he and I were together, the last year...I never stopped thinking about you, or missing you, or wanting to turn back time and undo everything. I had to figure out how to get along without you, and it turns out I really suck at it. I never want to do that again." Her icy fingers slid into my palm, grasping my hand to close carefully around hers."

"I know I was selfish and stupid and blind, and I probably got off way too easily, but..." she trailed off, leaving me hanging on the last word. She stared into my eyes, penetrating flesh, bone, and the last of the walls I'd left standing, until she finally breathed it all out:

"...But if you'll still have me, I'm yours."


	19. Always Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What you've been waiting for, you filthy animals.

In a second, every ounce of restraint I'd carefully cultivated was replaced with an intense need to touch her, to grab ahold of her and never let go. I reached out to caress her face, and her lips immediately crashed onto mine. Her arms wrapped around my neck, holding me in place while she deepened the kiss. Her lips moved slowly and softly against mine, letting me savor the taste of her while I threaded my hands through her hair. Her kiss was becoming more intense by the second, and I was convinced I was on the verge of cardiac arrest. At long last, Bella Swan was mine.

Things were escalating fast. She had already crawled into my lap, swiping her tongue along my bottom lip to gain further access to my mouth, where my tongue happily met hers. She pressed her body against me, practically wrapping her knees around me and making an electric shock to shoot all the way down my spine. I could finally satisfy my desire to let my hands roam freely all over her body, to her hips, her ass, the soft swell of her breast. She pawed hungrily at me, working her hands under my shirt and along my bare stomach. I wanted to taste more of her before she nearly killed me via oxygen deprivation, but I could never catch up with her. I was glad I wasn't the only one who'd been holding back a flood.

It wasn't long before she discovered my weak spot. She brushed my hair away to plant sloppy kisses behind my ear and all the way down my neck. A deep moan vibrated in my throat. Every nerve in my body was on fire. The way her thigh rubbed against my almost painful erection was driving me absolutely insane. I needed to feel her bare skin on me. As if on their own, my hand snaked under her shirt and down her lower back as I devoured every square inch of that long, delicate neck, still keeping the sweet flesh exposed by gently tugging her head away by the hair. Her heavy breaths began to crack into soft moaning. That rough, aggressive impulse I'd feared for so long was emerging again, and this time it had only one thought.

_Mine._

An insatiable, almost feral lust oozed from every pore, which she seemed to eagerly accept. This was the girl I remembered, the feisty one that came out to play whenever we were alone. I didn't want her to stop, but at this rate I was going to dissolve into absolutely nothing before I even got her clothes off, and if we were going to keep going with this, we were either going to need a clean designated spot for clothes, or to relocate. Christening my car was an appealing idea, but logistically, there was a clear winner here.

"Bells," I rasped as she raked her fingertips down my chest.

"Mhmm?" she hummed in my ear.

"I think we need a change of venue."

She detached long enough to give me a sly smile.

"I completely agree."

The next thing I knew, she was shoving me backwards onto my bed, and it slid backwards into the wall with a thud. She wasted no time in stripping off her sweater before climbing on top to straddle my hips once more. The trip back to the house had done nothing to hinder our momentum, and now I was completely at her mercy. She slid her hands along my stomach and under my shirt, almost to my collarbone.

"This," she whispered in my ear, "Needs to come off now."

She sure as hell didn't need to ask twice. I sat up to comply with her demand, yanking my shirt over my head before diving down on top of her to attack her lips again. I just couldn't stop kissing her. I loved feeling her squirm and moan into my mouth. I loved the way she arched her body upwards, responding to the light pressure of my hand rubbing her over her jeans. I needed more. I reached around her back and began fumbling with the clasp of her bra. As many times as I'd done it, bra removal was the one thing I still couldn't master. It finally relented, and I flung it onto the floor beside us, where hopefully the rest of her clothes would be in a minute. My tongue trailed down from the hollow below her neck, to her shoulder, to her breast, making her moan softly. Every sound that came from her made my hard-on twitch. I seriously needed to get out of these jeans.

She must have read my mind; she pulled my face away from her chest into another kiss, brushing her hand along the lowest point of my stomach before starting to work the button on my pants, which put up very little resistance, and neither did I. Those hit the floor too, and I could feel the huge wet spot in my boxers from my growing need. I resumed letting my mouth travel down her body, taking a moment to enjoy being buried in her breasts before moving on to her creamy white stomach and jerking her own jeans down, making her yelp. I couldn't wait any longer. Her panties immediately followed, and I got to behold to gorgeous creature sprawled out and panting on my sheets. If only Young Jacob could see me now.

"Hey," she scolded. "I want these off too." She tugged at the waistband.

"Yes, ma'am," I chuckled, letting her remove the very last thing that stood between us.

I wanted to resume tasting, smelling, fondling, and admiring this amazing girl who had fueled my imagination for so long, but it appeared she had other plans, at least for now. She sat up in front of me, nearly knocking me backwards as she grabbed my face for another kiss, and began slowly running her hand up and down the length. Without the fabric that had previously kept it under control, the wetness was flowing freely, and her strokes were spreading it everywhere, making me let out a long, involuntary growl. I could feel her smirking against my lips. I interrupted her by running my fingers back and forth along her own arousal, which was absolutely soaked. I wasn't going to let her have all the fun. I dipped the two in, stroking and spreading and feeling her shudder in my hands, only to finally slide them completely inside her while I resumed my work on her throat. Her hips seemed to move on their own in my lap, grinding into my hand with breathless desperation that only made my rock hard member weep even more. I needed her so badly, and I didn't think I could wait another second.

"Jake," she panted, grinding into me. "...please…"

Her begging was about to unleash the monster, the one that wanted nothing more than flip her around, grab her by the hips, and fuck her so hard that neither of us could walk afterwards, but that needed to wait until next time. Right now, it sounded like I needed to give her what she wanted before I succumbed to that impulse. I couldn't say no to her.

I withdrew my fingers, and she whined at the sudden emptiness until I gripped her ass, lifting her up enough to slide back and forth against her sopping wet core and taking great care to rub against that tiny bundle of nerves. She groaned deep in her chest as she bucked against me, trying and failing to slip it inside, but I wasn't going to let her just yet; I needed to hear how much she wanted me one more time.

"Jaaake..."

I put my mouth to her ear. "Mhmmm?"

" _Please."_

"Atta girl," I whispered, finally releasing my hand and allowing her sit down, slowly letting it fill her up entirely.

My breath caught as I felt her warm, wet center surround me completely. She felt too amazing to describe, enough to make my eyes roll back from the dizzying pleasure. She was such a small girl, but she took me like a champ, and there was a serious chance that I could cum right there if I wasn't careful. I thought I had mastered this, that I could last forever if I wanted to, but maybe that sappy virginal part of me still lived. Boy did I have it bad.

She gasped and arched her back at the sensation, grasping my hair by the nape of my neck to pull my face between her breasts. She began to move, and I held her close to me by the waist before suddenly taking her nipple into my mouth, flicking and swirling my tongue while she whimpered. Her moans were like music to my ears, growing louder and longer the more she rode me. I couldn't keep quiet, either, and as much as his comments made me cringe, I was  _very_  glad that my dad had given me a heads up.

I could feel her tightening around me, making me dangerously close to falling over the edge, but there was no way in hell that I was going to go before she did. I just needed to hold out a little longer. Thinking about school or car parts just wasn't going to cut it this time. My one free hand traveled down her stomach to rub her in circles as her nails dug into my shoulders. Her breathing was labored and her cries raising in pitch, until I finally felt her spasm around me, squeezing and riding it out with a belting cry, until I gave in and let it take over.

"Oh fuck, Bells," I groaned into her neck, squeezing my hands around her hips as I finally released it all inside her until there was absolutely nothing left.

I sat there, shaking and panting like a racehorse and trying to steady the rapid beating of my heart before giving up and taking her face in my hand for another kiss. She rested her forehead against mine while we swallowed and gasped for air. I was still gripping her tightly while the aftershocks slowly faded, until fatigue finally won over. She gently dismounted, and we flopped backwards onto my bed, clinging to each other and coated in a thick sheen of sweat.

"So that-"

"-Holy shit"

"Yeah, my thoughts exactly."

She cuddled into me, wrapping her arm around my waist and planting soft kisses on my chest. The girl was perfect. I prayed this wasn't another one of those fucked up dreams I'd been having.

"I want to state for the record that this was not part of the original plan," Bella panted.

"What, are you sorry that we-"

She barked a laugh. "Oh, hell no. I'm looking forward to many repeats. I'm just saying that this was not what I expected when you invited me over. I figured I was just going to embarrass myself and then go home to spend the rest of the night banging my head against a wall."

"How would that be different from any other night?" I added cheekily. "Or our little late-night excursion?"

"Shut up." She blushed and slapped me playfully on the chest. How exactly could she be embarrassed after shoving her boobs in my face not ten minutes ago?

"I think you were intentionally trying to make it difficult for me," she said.

"Or maybe you just beat me to the punch." I paused in consideration. "Did you seriously not know?"

"I mean, I wondered sometimes, but I attributed some of that to wishful thinking. I was sure it was all out the window by the time I saw you again. Even if we made up, I wasn't expecting you to ever trust me enough."

"I wasn't expecting it either, to tell you the truth, and I _definitely_  didn't think you'd want to give it a chance given...everything."

She let my comment linger, tracing circles on my stomach with her fingertips, until her pensive expression turned to confusion.

"So, how the hell did  _you_  not know?"

"Pretty much the same reason," I sighed. "Wow, we really suck at this."

"We sure do."

I turned to face her, studying the flecks of amber scattered in her eyes as I brushed her long hair out of her face.

"Well on a related note, I have a really important question to ask," I began.

"What's that?"

I hesitated because I knew exactly how this was going to sound. Whatever. I'd find something to tease her about to make up for it.

"Does this mean you're my girlfriend?"

She blinked. After a few moments of dead air, she burst out laughing, squeezing her eyes shut as she rolled onto her back next to me.

"Oh my god! What is this, the tenth grade?"

"It's a legitimate question!"

I reached over to grab her around the waist, rolling her back into me. She slowed her laughing into quiet giggles before finally nuzzling into my shoulder.

"Yes, dummy," she replied, and kissed me on the cheek.

"I love you, Jake."


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's going to be a good day.

"Wooooo! You shake the fuck out of his hand, Black!"

In the last three years, neither Leah's tact nor her capacity for an inside voice had improved. The indoor stadium was packed with people, mostly weepy parents and friends acting like jackasses, of which we were obviously the latter. Despite the size of the crowd and the enthusiasm of the other families, she and I were the loudest voices there, prompting disapproving looks from the ones around us. I couldn't help it; after years of killing himself, so many late nights, and hundreds of dollars worth of coffee, he'd made it through the program with a job offer and his sanity intact.

Our voices must have carried all the way down from our seats on the second level, because he looked right back at us, wiggling his eyebrows mischievously as he released the president's hand and headed for the stairs. I was still surprised that they managed to find a gown that would both fit over his broad shoulders and be longer than a crop top. I didn't think it was possible for him to grow any more, but he did, and this gorgeous beast of a man was all mine

I turned to take stock of our group as Jake disappeared out of sight. Billy was clearly getting a little choked up, and dad was patting him on the shoulder. Come to think of it, he was getting a little choked up himself.

"Hey...C'mon, Billy… We said we weren't gonna do this."

"I know, I know," he said, clearing his throat. "I just wish his mother were here to see this."

"Aww, Daddy…" Rebecca hiccupped and hugged her father around the shoulder. This was starting to look like a  _Lifetime_  original movie, except no one had cancer.

* * *

"You did good, kid."

She smiled and reached over to squeeze my hand as the warm summer wind blew through her silky hair. It had been a while since I last saw her, and I spent a lot of crunch time, mine and his, wishing I'd dream about her again. It felt like having a real mom.

"I hope you're right. He's on a normal sleeping schedule now, so we're making progress. Now if I could just get him to eat something decent."

"I mean it, Bella. I'm so goddamn proud of that boy, and I'm glad that he had you there to help him through it."

The midday sun was starting to shine in my eyes, making me squint as I observed two Quileute children chasing each other by the shoreline. She hadn't aged a day since I saw her last, and her smiles were somehow bigger and freer. She reminded me so much of him.

"He's amazing, isn't he?"

"Yep," she replied, wiggling her toes in the course sand. "I make a damn good kid, don't I? Though, I wish I passed on whatever gene gives you good taste in men. The girls worry me." She wrinkled her nose at the thought.

I laughed, glad to finally be able to complain without censoring myself. "Those boys married up, that's for sure."

"Can I trade you for Paul?"

With time and plenty of tough love from Rachel, his social skills had drastically improved, even if his temper was still a work in progress, but I saw the way he looked at her. If there was anyone in the world that could make him want to change for the better, it would be his new bride. Billy could take comfort in the fact that she would be well loved, even if it was going to make holidays more trying.

"I don't think I'm Rachel's type," I chuckled.

She studied my face, giving me an almost secretive smile. It was so good to see her again, to know that she was happy with how everything was turning out. This was the exact kind of validation I was craving, and from what better source?

"You've made him really happy, honey."

I felt a warmth in my cheeks. Even now, I was still a little shy when it came to talking about these things. Renee was always embarrassingly candid and jokey about boys, and Charlie was rarely up for any discussions on the matter. There was never much hope for me in that regard.

"He's made me really happy. I don't know what I'd do without him. I still can't believe I wasted so much time."

"Oh, you've got plenty of time," she said wryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry about it," she said, rising to her feet.

"There you go, being all vague and mysterious again. How is it that whenever we meet, I end up with more questions than answers?"

"My mystique is part of my charm," she said. "It drove Billy crazy, too."

"Will I get to see you again soon?"

She paused thoughtfully before looking over her shoulder at the girls on the beach, who were now tossing pebbles into the water. They screamed and giggled as the waves chased them back and forth, the cold water licking at their heels.

"I'll be back for a visit again in a little while. I think you've got a good handle on things here." She bent down, this time to give me a crushing bear hug. "You take good care of him, alright?"

"It's a promise."

* * *

"Oh, not you too, Dad!"

Charlie shifted and quickly dabbed at his nose with the back of his hand, averting his eyes to some far-off part of the massive hall. He cleared his throat.

"No, it's fine. I'm fine."

"Mhmmm," I said, rolling my eyes.

They were being more than a little sappy, but it was nice to see he and Billy here. Sue sat in the seat beside my dad, looking on sympathetically. He finally noticed her, and gave a little awkward smile before quickly looking away. I was still waiting for that shoe to drop, though Leah understandably had some mixed feeling about it. Seth, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to everything around him, choosing instead to hunt Jacob down, like  _Where's Waldo?_   in a sea of black polyester. Hopefully someone would be breaking out the beach balls any second. He waved eagerly at Jake, who was watching us from his seat as the dean droned out the rest of the class's names. We still had another 24 letters to go.

The lobby was a madhouse. Graduates began pouring in, trying to strip off their sweaty regalia to the dismay of their families, who were all prepared to take about a thousand pictures. Unfortunately for him, there was no way that Jake was going to be spared from any of that. He was going to have to suffer just a little bit longer for my enjoyment. He certainly earned it after last year.

At long last, his face came into view through the massive doors, aided by the fact that he was a head taller than nearly all of his classmates. After a moment of searching, I finally caught his eye, and he grinned back at me, pushing through the bottleneck to where we were all waiting for him. Without thinking, I took off towards him and leapt into his arms. He held me there by the waist, letting me wrap my arms around his neck for a kiss. I'd barely withdrawn when I felt his grip tighten before picking me up and swinging me around in a circle, almost taking out someone's grandma.

"Jake!" I scolded, breathless and giggling as he put me back on the ground. He looked over my shoulder at the octogenarian scowling at him.

"Sorry!" he shouted over the din, waving apologetically.

"I'm not sorry," he whispered, snickering as he lifted my chin up and pressed his lips sweetly onto mine.

"Hey, Swan! You can make out later. The old folks are getting cranky."

"Hey, we are not  _old,_ " Billy fired back. "We can still party, can't we Charlie?"

The group had been waiting restlessly after I intercepted Jacob. It looked like everyone had calmed down a little, but I wasn't expecting miracles. Sue and Leah had appointed themselves the official photographers, which came as a relief knowing how well my father understood technology. Watching him unleash the flash into his own eyes was a hoot, but this day required a more deft hand. Jake let go of me and immediately went for his dad, stooping to squeeze his imposing figure around him, where he remained. I couldn't hear the low tones of their voices over the crowd, but I could see that Billy was inching perilously close to tears again before his son gave him a squeeze and stepped away.

Everyone else began tugging him in one direction or the other for their congratulatory hugs and pictures. I was glad to finally meet Rebecca, who had been practically living in exile in Hawaii for several years, and she seemed to like me so far. Jake and Billy's glowing reviews were just going to set her up for disappointment once we finally met, or at least the former's would; Jake was admittedly pretty biased. He smiled indulgently as the parents went on with the photo shoot, allowing them their hundreds of poses and backup shots before Leah, the reigning queen of patience and delicacy, cut them off.

"Alright, alright," she carped, leaning into the frame of what would be her mother's next picture. "We can finish this up at home after we eat."

"Hey, is Rachel going to make it tonight, Dad?"

Billy shrugged. "Their flight got delayed again, but she insists she'll be there, come hell or high water."

"She better," Rebecca said. "I'm gonna be sad if I came all the way from Kauai and didn't get to see her." She turned her attention to Jake. "You two are staying in Forks tonight, right?"

"Charlie insisted, and I'm not gonna argue. I don't think we're going to be in any state to drive if things go the way I think they're going to," he replied with a wink. She grimaced.

"Don't be gross, Jake."

The spacious hall was now slowly emptying as families joined the migration back to the parking lot, still whooping and squealing from the excitement of finally finishing the marathon that is their bachelor's degree. I could still remember the wave of relief that washed over me as I tore off that stupid hat. Sadly, there were more stupid hats in my future once I made it through my master's, assuming that I kept my eyes on the prize and didn't crash under the pressure of both work and school. I was just happy that only one of us was going to still be school this time.

Castle Clearwater was just as lively and welcoming as ever, though it was still in recovery. Their loss hadn't dampened their spirits, but it was keenly felt, even outside the family. When we arrived, it became clear that there had been a lot of preparation for tonight's festivities. The fridge in the kitchen was packed with salad, desserts, and plastic bags of marinating meats in anticipation of the smoking grill waiting in their backyard. After spending so many years in Washington, I'd forgotten that holding parties and things like this outdoors is a regular occurrence everywhere else, even between October and April. It was always warm enough for it in Arizona, but someday I would get around to visiting Renee in Jacksonville so I could experience firsthand what it's like to be both damp and sweltering at the same time.

Being here felt like home, like having a real family. Of course I loved Charlie and our little party-of-two family, but this was what I always imagined it should be like when I was a kid, not the snippy cluster of islands that made up my blood relations, tethered to me only by my mother. Here I had genuine support and camaraderie, people who I chose and who chose me out of love. This is exactly where I wanted to be.

Seth had just finished up his junior year at Central Washington and was busy getting Jake all caught up on his misadventures from their seats at the large folding table they'd put outside, punctuated by Paul's braying as he worked on his third beer. It seemed that everything was perfectly timed with the long summer days to let me enjoy the evening outdoors before the darkness started hindering my balance and coordination. This was the worst group for me to spazz out in front of; I was way too easy a target.

"Make way for the meat!" Leah announced, leading my dad out the back door of the house and into the yard. The Clearwater's had assembled a mountain of chicken and hamburgers, far too much for the size of this crowd, though only to the untrained eye. The boys could put away half of that on their own with ease. Charlie carted everything to the grill, where he began instructing Sue on the finer points of charring. Leah came up next to me, placing her arm around my waist while we watched them.

"Your dad is so awkward," she whispered in my ear.

"Hey, give the man credit for trying. He's still pretty rusty. Plus, as much as she's taught him in the kitchen, I think he's excited to return the favor." She shook her head and turned her attention to me instead.

"How're you doing, babe?"

"Good. Really good," I replied. I glanced over at Jake again to catch him playfully punching Paul in the arm, who still winced. "I'm just glad all the insanity is over. Our schedules were so flipped during his finals that I barely got to see him at all. We'll both be awake at the same time now."

"Then it's too bad you're crashing at your dad's tonight," she said devilishly.

"I think you're way overestimating our energy levels right now. He's going to pass out before his head even hits the pillow, and I'll probably be right behind him."

"I don't know; he's looks like he's in a pretty 'celebratory' mood. Just try to keep the volume at least a couple decibels lower than a jet engine this time, okay?"

"You're never going to let me forget that, are you?" 

"Nope."

The wind changed direction and began blowing smoke directly at us, making me jerk away as it stung my eyes.

"C'mon," she urged, towing me out of the danger zone and towards the table. "Let's go see your boy toy."

It was still a little odd seeing him dressed up. He was in his dark blue slacks with a button down shirt, though the sleeves had long since been rolled up to reveal his thick, muscular forearms. It wasn't just his preference for casual clothes that was at play here; finding anything more formal that would fit him was a herculean task, especially in our price range. He cleaned up really well, but it was his worn-in jeans that made him look the most like Jake to me. The obvious solution to the problem was for him to wear nothing.

When we arrived, Seth was still carrying on with as much animation as I had come to expect. I would have killed for even a third of that kid's enthusiasm.

"...so yeah, the moral of the story is that Lily is my hero."

"Telling Jake about the brownie incident?" Leah interrupted, thumping him on the back.

"Yeah, I think Seth's got himself a winner," Jake laughed.

"Dude, after that, I think I'm going to have to marry her. She's perfect."

I bent over, draping my arms around Jake's neck from behind and planting a kiss on his temple.

"Hey, Bells." He smiled and turned his face upward, beckoning for a proper kiss.

"She's too good for you, bro," Leah jabbed at Seth. "All these rez guys trying to marry above their station lately. They're getting way too cocky."

"Speaking of which," I started, resting my head on top of Jacob's. "Where did Paul run off to?"

"The kitchen, I think. Rachel dragged him away to help with something," Seth explained, craning his neck around to find the source of the savory smell carrying on the breeze. "I hope that means dinner's almost ready."

"Charlie just started throwing everything on the grill, so we've probably got a while." Leah stood up, tugging her brother out of his chair. "Here, why don't you go see if he and Mom need any help."

"They look fine to m-"

She shot him a dirty look.

"Ugh, fine." He obeyed, grumbling about his bossy sister as he slunk off. He seemed to perk up quickly once he got close enough to view the sizzling meat in all its glory, like the golden retriever he was. Hopefully he hadn't interrupted anything.

"I'm gonna go get another beer. See you guys later," she winked before sauntering back into the house.

"Wow, I show up and everyone leaves," I said dryly. "I've never felt so popular in my life."

"What am I, chopped liver?"

Jake suddenly stood up and yanked me into his arms, making me giggle. The heat of his skin on mine was already making me sweat.

"You don't count. You  _have_  to hang out with me."

"Yep. It's a rough job, but somebody has to do it," he chuckled, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

Leah was right: he was a lot more energetic than I thought he would be by this time. Last year, he nearly had to carry me back to the car by the end of the night. He seemed high on the momentum that had carried us through the day, and why shouldn't he be? He worked so hard for years, for as long as we'd known each other, to get to this day, and now it was time for him to finally let go of it all and enjoy himself.

"Well, we've got a little time to kill before dinner," he murmured, resting his forehead on mine. "Wanna go for a walk?"

"Sure. It's been a while."

As we began walking away from the party, I noticed Leah's eyes on me through the kitchen window above the sink. Rachel appeared next to her and seemed to join in. I'd have to tell Leah what a creep she is once we got back.

We skimmed along the line of trees that separated the woods from the rest of the Clearwater's property. I always wanted to step inside and explore the creek and the mossy trunks. I was sure that Jake could fight off a bear if necessary, but it was finally getting dark and I didn't need his graduation party to turn into a search party. The trees swayed gently in the wind, which was slowly developing a chill as the sun set in the west. It might not have been First Beach, but the radiant gold and pink that peeked through lavender clouds in the crease between two mountains was spectacular, yet another reason why I loved this place. It wasn't long before the chatter of the party faded away into silence, with only the cicadas chiming in.

I missed having him alone like this, with no stress, no distractions, just us. It wouldn't be long before the hubbub of life took over again, and I wanted to enjoy this evening for as long as I could. He brought me carefully by the hand through the knee-high grass, which dead-ended in a small meadow that was bursting with wildflowers. The plants were also taking advantage of the weather while they could.

"We should probably turn back soon before Seth eats everything in sight," I said.

"In a minute. We've still got plenty of time."

I continued strolling forward, but he stopped me. He was staring away into the forest with a look of deep concentration

"Jake? What is it?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. "There's just been a lot going on today. I think it's finally catching up to me."

"I was wondering when it would. I know you're still pretty wiped out after finals."

He closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose. "No… I mean yes, but that's not really it." He was getting fidgety again. I hadn't seen that in a very long time.

"It's just...it's crazy, you know? I never really thought I'd make it to today. I managed to get into college, but if we never made up, I don't think I would have gotten through it all, at least not with my sanity intact. I owe you a lot, Bells."

"You always give me way too much credit-"

"-No, I mean it," he said earnestly, gently pulling me back into his arms. "You didn't give up on me." His dark eyes held that same intensity that made my heart skip a beat, a look that told me his usual silly demeanor was gone. I brushed my hand against his chest.

"I couldn't, even when I kind of wanted to. You mean too much to me," I said quietly. Even now, he could still make me blush with only a few words. His hand gently cradled my jaw.

"I can't be without you, Bells."

"You don't need to worry about that," I chuckled. "You're stuck with me."

His expression didn't change. His held me captive in his gaze, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest becoming heavier against me.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

My skin was beginning to burn against him, defying the cold that had settled over us as the sun disappeared. My heart fluttered in my chest as I slowly began to understand. Now the heat was rising upwards to my face.

"I don't want anyone else. I've never wanted anyone else. You're it for me, Bella."

Forget fluttering; my heart was now pounding like a drum, making it almost hard to breathe, but not out of fear or anxiety. This was something completely different; I could feel it ignite something inside me.

"Will you marry me?"

I felt weak in the knees, grateful that I had Jake to hold me up, but I wasn't going to faint or run away. I wasn't under a giant spotlight looking for the emergency exits. This was exactly how it should be, just me and him. There was no confusion here. I knew exactly what I wanted. Anywhere he went, I wanted to go too.

"Yes," I whispered. I couldn't contain myself anymore, and I practically jumped upwards to kiss him more passionately than I think I ever had. His arms tightened around me, hungrily reflecting my sentiments, before finally snatching me up.

"Yes," I murmured against his lips, crashing against them once more.

_Yes. Yes. Yes._

Over and over again between every kiss. His hands wound into my hair, bringing me back every time as his arm supported me from underneath. I could have stayed right here forever. Hell, I would have had him right here in the grass if the whole family wasn't waiting for us. Eventually, we were forced to break apart, and he lifted me off of him and onto my feet. I noticed I had started giggling softly against his chest, making him smile bemusedly. I'd just never felt so naturally high before.

"And to think I was a little worried," he said, kissing my forehead. "I'm going to have to tell Leah she was right, after all."

"Goddamnit, that's why she was being so weird."

"Not that she's ever needed an excuse."

"Very true.

"I'm surprised, honey; you know her better than anyone," he said, laughing at my expense. "She helped me pick out the ring, for Christ's sake."

"There's a ring?" I asked. I could feel my heart rate picking back up again.

"Of course there is!" he scoffed at the mere idea. "Do you think I was going to come empty-handed? What do you take me for?"

He reached both hands into the depths of his pockets, navigating around his keys and the random assortment of things he kept on hand before finally grasping what he was looking for.

"Aha!" He pulled out a small box covered in burgundy velvet. He began to open it, but hesitated.

"You know, I'm still not entirely sure you want to marry me," he smirked. "I think I'm gonna need to hear it one more time, just to be safe."

"Asshole," I giggled. "Alright then: Jacob Black, I love you more than anyone on the planet, and I would love to marry you." I sealed my affirmation with another kiss. He grinned.

"Okay, you pass the test." He opened the box and presented it to me, revealing a round sapphire as deep and blue as the ocean which was surrounded by a halo of tiny diamonds. It reminded me of the way the waves of our beach sparkled in the afternoon sun, even in the tiny slivers of sunlight that were hanging on as twilight began to settle in. It absolutely took my breath away.

"Jake," I gasped. "It's beautiful."

"So you like it?" He carefully plucked it out of the satin lining. 

"I love it. It's perfect, Jake."

He took my left hand and slid it down my finger, where it fit exactly right. He knew me so well that it almost made my heart ache. I'm not sure what he has to be concerned about. The boy was perfect. I was definitely the lucky one.

"Glad to hear it," he said, placing one last chaste kiss on my lips.

"Wait, did you tell my dad too?"

"Of course," he replied sarcastically. "He and my dad already worked it out. Charlie drives a hard bargain, but Dad finally talked him down to four sheep and a mule. I told him you were worth at least six sheep, but the old man is stubborn."

"Good to know that I'm finally appreciating in value."

He chuckled and gently took my hand, a stifled smile forming as he took a peek at my left hand. "As much as I'd like to stay here, I think we need to turn back before they kill us for holding up dinner."

"I guess you're right. We can celebrate more a little later," I said, licking my lips.

We returned to find that no one had waited for us. As expected, Seth appeared to be working on his second helping, and everyone else was too involved in their conversations to notice us emerging from the shadows. Everyone except Leah, that is, who snapped her face away from her brother and toward me, craning her neck up and over Billy like a meercat. She caught me in her gaze and her eyebrows shot up expectantly. I nodded quickly, trying to stay calm but completely incapable of containing my happiness. She jumped up, threw down her napkin, and rushed toward me, much to the confusion of the party. She ran into me like a linebacker, nearly knocking me over, and pulled me into a tight hug while she squealed with excitement.

"What the hell is going on, you two?" Charlie asked warily over the forkful of chicken in his mouth. A huge grin stretched across Jake's face.

"Do you want to tell him or should I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking with me to the end! I had a lot of fun writing this and I'm glad you all liked it as well. I wanted to give these two the ending they deserve, and I can't help but be happy for them.
> 
> On another note, please check out my newest J&B story, My Guy. No Edward bashing this time, but plenty of drama and juicy bits in the works.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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